Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Just when you have a plan and feel great and things happily moving forward

<< < (2/5) > >>

Hopalong:
I hope the foot is done shocking you but if it gets worse, maybe an xray and a boot or cast will be wise....

Sorry about the entitled renter.

I was always amazed how M with his millions would dicker and dime and even coupon. While I never do that at ALL. I'm frugal and conservative but save $5 or even $50 here or there doesn't drive my choices. NOT buying does. So weird.

Have to admit since the pandemic started I've ordered more "stuff" than I used to though. All things I needed but still, Amazon's too easy. I don't have the extra without things getting risky by end of month. But I'm still saving a good chunk each month, which is good since my whole patio has to be redone since the power wash. (My lawn guy who built it used the easiest brush-in-then-water kind of grout powder and it wasn't designed for an irregular, gappy kind of design. Grrr. Will cost me almost as much to have it repaired as it did to build it. Wish he had not taken the easy shortcut in the first place.)

I'm using an excellent professional company for the repair, though. Worth it.

aaarrggghh,
Hops

lighter:
Hops:

I've had a boot on since I did a run home for meds and.... boot. 

Feeeeeling a bit scattered at the moment.

I'm also elevating and icing regularly.

Taking Napoxen regularly.
Sorry liver.

This morning I stretched, had a wonderful cup of coffee, answered questions for someone brave enough to consider travel to the island in December and iced my foot while eating the correct ratio of protein and complex carbs, supplements and good fats..... ghee with the sausages and sauteed spinach..... flax oil in my coffee.  I'm focused on healing this foot as quickly as I can while rocking this bood as long as necessary. 

If I went in for an x ray, do you believe the treatment plan would change any? I'm asking bc I never went to the doc when I injured the top of my feet/and or toes in martial arts..... at first it was quite often and the little bones are easy to break.  Something I did not know until I was injured.

I've decided to have Viking braids istalled...not sure what people say when having their hair done.  Installed feels less fussy.  I'm not a fussy gal......but I NEEEEEED to do something with my hair and it might as well be attractive while keeping one big dreadlock from setting up shop.  Wearing it in a knot on top of my head creates matting at the scalp and if I didn't say....my hair is as fine as cotton candy. With all the moving about I do, it just matts...... quickly and without remorse.   Wearing it down creates matting at the nape of the neck and crown....... almost as bad BUT I have all that hair blowing about and getting in my way.

Cutting it isn't an option, bc I won't ever never ever DO my hair every day with a brush and blow drying and whatever else is necessary.  I just had a chill remembering curling iron burns on my forehead, sweating and wanting to throw myself off a bridge when I cut my hair that one time, OMG.  How do people who can't put their hair in a knot or ponytail DO IT? 

Oh....like my mother did it.  In front of a mirror, at a little make up table with a tv nearby.  Maybe it's the set up I've had wrong.

::thinking about it::.

Could be, likely not, IME.

Now the Airbnb guest is installed, money cleared...... I feel like I did BEFORE that debacle began.  Like I'm ready to begin something afresh and new.... even if it'sthe same old chores..... I feel I'll see them differently and enjoy them more, bc I really paid attention during this last COW (crisis of the week) rolled over me.  I think it's bc the girls witnessed me dealing with incredibly difficult people while trying to keep all our wheels from coming off, even as our wheels started coming off.....

and here's the kicker.

DD19 began saying things like..... THIS MAKES me never want to come here to the lake again!  I said nothing so she escalated into...
Ya... ya....that's it. I'm going to stop seeing the Nutritionist.

Still, no response from me, so she escalated into something blowing my mind apart and I said......
So don't see the Nutritionist again, it's up to you.  You're an adult now.  I said this as I was going outside to pitch something disgusting off the porch, bc I was doing fry pans with fish frying oil and fried green tomato oil...... cooked on..... lots of little burned bits and struggling with the Airbnb cheap guy.......
and DD19 was standing at the sink when I came back into the house..... struggling....... I asked if she was OK and she broke down into tears and I walked toward her..... could tell she didn't want a hug so I veered off, to her surprise, closed the dishwasher and began doing dishes again.

I think DD was surprised again and I dont' know what she did next, but her attitude got better.

Had I administered comfort, I believe she would have escalated what was beginning to feeeeeel like emotional terrorism in those moments.  I was paying pretty close attention and catching myself before doing what I usually do...... try to fix everything for everyone.

At one point I said...
"I can't make everything perfect anywere.. Not here...not at home...not at the cottage or when we travel to see Aunts and Uncles, I just can't." 

It felt like someone had stepped up and stopped a very destructive cycle (I created and perpetuated) so there was no blame.

The wheels began coming off when I was trying to DO MATH, which feeeeels the same as taking a left in Atlanta traffic..... super stressful for me, and the girls were talking loudly.  Well.... one of them was so when I finally lifted my head to let them know they were  SLOWING OUR DEPARTURE DOWN, not up with their words.....
oldest dd became over stimulated and youngest dd felt unjustly accused and I thought.....

WTF?  HELPING me would help get us out the door and youngest DID help, while oldest dd went to the car while leaving her pug under our feet, yapping, bc her mom wasn't IN the house.

At one point Icould see youngest dd hand the pug off to oldest dd, and there were words going back and forth attached to quite a bit of frustration.  I guess I'd usually try to calm the situation, but I just went back to what i had to do.

Attached to that topic is youngest dd complaining I don't fix things between them....I let oldest dd get away things and her too.... I failed as a parent, I suck......I failed as a parent to raise decent human beings which, quite frankly, used to TOUCH MY STUFF.

I'd react, get busy trying to fix things..... maybe snap at them, but this time I just ignored it all.

I remember reminding them they're adults now....... then going back to my stuff.... when they were bugging me.

I AM BUGGED.

Remember when I read that article about fears and anxiety.... how the worst things are things that come in mutiples...... fears stacked on top of fears....... not just ONE fear standing alone in one's face?

Well..... I experienced that yesterday.... just many things coming at me at once. Trying to get things sorted for the contractor so I could sort out the kitchen, which oldest dd and I WERE dealing with happily and with traction as youngest, who'd been beside herself with anxiety over moving us OUT the door with economy of motion, slept on the sofa to our relief. 

Then the text from that damned Airbnb guy came.

I have to say...... as we sat on the side of the road, held hostage to the guy's jerking me around, the girls came together.... they offered to help...they DID help.....but most importantly.....they stopped behaving like 2 year olds jerking ME around, which was AMAZING.

We sat on the side of the road, then in the shade of a gas station for an hour, till I just said FI and started rolling again without the problem resolving. 

I knew 5'7" "renter" would handle thowing the Airbnb folks out and their stuff, withut problem, bc he assured me he was aware of the mission and that was enough to shift me back to MY mission, which was getting us safely home through the moutnains on a holiday weekend with many police and much traffic.

THEN the mission was getting to White Duck Taco for Thai Shrimp tacos, Pork Belly tacos and Indian spice tacos, whatever they call them....the shrimp with their lovely cream sauce is the best, btw.

Once we walked in the door I could see the money cleared the Airbnb App and all was well.  Had I sat by the side of the road waiting it would have been an excercise in hold....hold....hold.....while the girls behaved like adults for more extended period of time.  They'd done well and I drove on FOR ME and not to shut them up, which honestly..... seemed the priority yesterday afternoon.  I honestly believe it was.

When we got home we ate take away tacos...... I went to bed with ice and the girls put away the travel coolers of food without zero complaint, only sticking their heads in after knocking politely to enquire if I had a preference for this or that cold item going to the fridge or freezer.  I was happy to answer.They withdrew quickly and politely after each encouter. 

IT FELT F'ing AMAZING and all it takes is my STOPPING to notice what's going on, exploiting the couple seconds of choice I've managed to cultivate and making those choices.

I will  say this about that.....

I intend to manage a bit more emotional distance as I navigate this new and strange land....... I KNOW my eyes go wide....I know my voice gets a bit snarky by the time I've been pushed beyond my ability to cope, which absolutely happened yesterday.

I know I'm reactive around things reminding me of my twin yapping and yapping at me till I say things like "What the fuck do I have to do to shut you  up?" which is not my inner world...it's how I've defended myself after my ability to cope is exhausted.

It reminds me of being jerked around by people getting paid to DO the opposite.

It's just a trigger in many directions, SO.....
onward and upward, shall we?

Yes, Hops.... the Royal we; )

Lighter

Hopalong:
Indeed We Shall.
We Decree It!

(Odd timing to read this...just now finished The Crown. What misery they lived with. No amount of luxury could replace the basic freedom to love who you love and be who you are.)

Great job on the self-boundary-setting. You controlled that controlling impulse. You sat with the discomfort, let your adult children figure out how to get back to an adult baseline, and kept yourself calm. I'm impressed!

No idea whether an xray would change treatment, but it'd clarify the damage. Since feet are so important, in your shoes (boot) if it were me, I'd want to know. But that's me. I have a faint idea that just in case the fracture's in an odd spot (electric bolt?) perhaps they'd want to consider if not surgery, a custom cast that leaves it in JUST the right position? Or maybe a tiny foot bone can heal in the right position without anything more than da boot. I genuinely don't know the answers but I'm good at knowing what I don't know--and always prefer more information than less. I wouldn't want to wind up with deep arthritis in a foot or something like that. Old age is hard enough. But you'll make the choice that's right for you. It'll likely work out just fine.

Hang in there, Lighter.

hugs
Hops

lighter:
I remained reasonably calm, Hops, lol. I SO very badly want to remain truly deeply and utterly calm, inside and out. Not just outside, kwim?

About the foot.

I have to think nothing is broken and out of alignment... just shifted from the swellin a bit and healing.

IF something was broken, wouldn't it be painful..... bc it's not, with the exception of my walking about on it without antinflammatories that first night.  There's been zero pain..... and I've had fractures in my feet.....
::wiggling wounded toe around::...

Nuthin.  No pain at all.

I will go IF there;s any pain at all.... promise: )

Everythng you said made absolute sense to me.

Lighter

lighter:
CB:

I planned to be at the lake next week on my own.  The girls are glad to have the house to themselves. DD19 just built her computer and is working on her bedroom...mostly clearing out all the furniture and things. Paring down.  Editing.

The girls spent time on their own when I was renovating the cottage.  DD21 spent a lot of time on her own over the past 4 or so months and DD19 enjoyed 2 weeks on her own....I think it was 2 weeks recently.  She said she enjoyed having the house to herself.  I believe her.

Youngest is recovering from anorexia, so..... we were spending time at the lake weekly, bc renovation and it was a good midway point for our weekly appointments in Atla with the Nutritionist. DD19 said she believes those appointments saved her life.  I don't know if that's the case, but she couldn't eat or go to the bathroom when she asked for help, so..... it was serious and very scary.

The emotional terrorism is something I'm done with.  Trying to remain sane...doing my best to stay sane in the face of it.... just a choice I'm learning to navigate away from. I can't believe how many years I've spent doing it....... I have to be done or turn into someone else.

It's interesting to notice what's going on around me.... when I have the ability.  I haven;t always had the ability.  For years it was oldest dd who "tormented" me. Her word. Not mine, btw.  Youngest dd was reaaalllly angry about that too.  Our lives were impacted.

Now I'm getting along with both, so youngest is threatened and kicking rocks... eating bologna samiches...... wants to be validated as the "good" child..... wants to remind me how she's always been the easy child, the helpful child.... is STILL more helpful. It's really very sad.

I can tell she's struggling.  It's like she's regressed to a younger age.... I'm a little surprised.  I didn't expect it. 

Oldest dd21 is looking for a part time job so she can make her car payment and have pocked money while researching careers and schools after that. She has a path plotted out.... to plot a path, I guess.  I want her to find something she really likes to do, or doesn't mind doing..... and get after it. 

Youngest will likely work part time soon as well. Her provisional driver's license expired when she turned 18yo so she stopped driving.  She needs to get her driver's license and there's still a waiting list of many weeks to do that, but will happen.

I do think jobs will be good for their mental health.  Social interaction....... being with peers and away from me and each other so much.  The Covid months have been closed in, closed up...... shut down...... months..... for youngest dd19, particularly, who depended on her friends and social activity more than dd21 and I did.

She's going on a picnic at the botanical gardens with her friend group tomorrow.  This is the second picnic there with this group and there have been a few other gatherings, but it's not easy. There's fear and one of the friends is the gal who had Covid while spending the night with DD19.  There's fear and real risk and the desire to ignore it and regret and wishing things were different then needing social interaction again. 

It's a cycle for DD19 and I'm happy to just work.  Work at the lake, at the cottage, at the house and in the yard.... and dd19 wants me to drive her an hour to visit the friend who had Covid so they can go boating with her mother and the mom's bf.  it sounds sketchy to me, but she's an adult now, right?

BTW, this friend has had an eating disorder similar to dd19's.....not quite so severe...... she didn't lose the weight dd did and could always eat, but dd19 has shared with me..... she feels competitiveness with anyone her size or smaller than she is.  DD19's skinny little boy ex bf was a bit thinner than her and that drove her kind of mad....... fueled the weight obsession and losing more nad more and more. Something kicks in and her brain just starts spinning..... OCD like..... to lose weight, stop eating...... lose, stoplosestoplosestop. 

I'm not sure how she's doing, really, with that, but trust she's in good hands with her Ts.  She has to do the work.I can't do it for her. She said she recently weighed herself for the first time in months, bc she couldn't stand to see the scale go up as she gained.  She seemed OK...... but she's struggling.

Yes, I'm talking myself through this.... again. 

The girls will be alone at the house for a week or so.  In the meantime we're cooking together..... oldest dd21 made lovely peach tarts this evening.  DD19 and I made sausage and sauteed spinach for breakfast together.  I fried fish with oldest dd21..... I realize they still have this thing where one feels obligated to oppose what the other wants to do.... particularly with food and me.  It's been that way since they were very young and it continues.  It's been exhausting to deal with...... it kills the joy in cooking, bc someone won't eat the food I work to make. 

The only thing I can change is myself and my response or unwillingness to respond to it..... dropping the rope, I guess.

I don't think I'm afraid they'll strike out in the world and get their noses bloodied.. That's what young people DO.  It's what I did and my sibs did.  Learning the hard way...... getting out there and meeting people..... building lives.  Lessons learned.
Yup yup yup.

I guess I'll be happy when I can take off and visit friends..... just go and do and know the girls will be OK. 

Thanks for your input, CB.  It's good to have.

Lighter

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page