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mental health
Hopalong:
I'm struggling with anxiety as winter comes on and the dark and cold start setting in. It makes me miserable because rational thinking or clever tips/rituals don't fix it. When you can't breathe and have chest pain and wake up despairing it's hard to get on a roll with healthier feelings. I clutched and cried on the dog and she's right here.
I have reached out and have a friend visiting later. I'm even thinking of asking the doc for anti-anxiety meds (an SSRI, I figure). I so so so do NOT want to do that. But if winter nights and early mornings are going to feel like this...I will. I can't cope with mental torment too often. I've been working so hard at insight and feel like a failure when the old anxiety syndrome hits. I know that's not fair.
I can tell when it's coming because it's a combo of severe insomnia (3 hours' sleep) plus an overall sense of fear, physical coldness, heart palpitations, plus random jabs of pain in the chest. This has happened so many times over the years I'm less inclined to cardio-catastrophize. But I do know the fear of deep isolation bearing down has a lot to do with it this time. (I know the joys of voluntary solitude; this is past solitude, in my case. It's toxic. Panic attacks make me nearly unable to socialize but isolation feeds the fear -- it's a stubborn cycle once it starts up.)
Anyway, in the daylight with sunshine, I'm okay, at least temporarily. The panic, when it comes, comes at what the French call "The Hour Between Dog & Wolf" -- or twilight, when the light goes and dark comes. First bout with this was a couple days ago right after daylight savings time kicked in. Had a nap, woke up at 530pm and it was black outside. This time of year twilight feels like the slamming down of something hard, not like a gentle summer dusk. It has a lot to do with loneliness.
I know about hygge, all the cozy things. It's not for lack of imagination or info, it's a physical and emotional panic. Not fixed by cocoa and candles, unfortunately.
Weird, because in some ways I'm making improvements and hopeful plans. Got my house beaten into order better than usual before cleaner came and felt proud. Not decluttered or perfected, but I got rid of the chaos. Even showed my T around the improvement over Zoom.
I was also having panic symptoms Tuesday at dusk but forced myself to go to a poetry group anyway, which was a good distraction. The young leader talked incredibly fast and ripped from one participant to the next at a frantic pace. I think his group's just too big and though it's nice to be included I also think I'm adding to the problem. He probably should've said No, or started a waiting list.
And I need a news diet. Very hard to give up the habit of plugging in every day but the sheer volume of frightening or tragic news overloads my ability to stay emotionally well. Then again, I fill up "lonely time" by reading about everything.
I must do better and put new plans in place for coping. What I've been doing isn't adequate. My insomnia's so bad that I know there are health consequences.
Okay, vent vented. Thanks for listening, y'all.
hugs
Hops
Twoapenny:
((((((((((((((Hopsie))))))))))))))
I understand your reluctance with the SSRI's, I feel the same. They've put me on a low dose of Escitalopram now (not sure if that's how you spell it!) because I was struggling with side effects so much and I'm slowly starting to feel like I can function a bit more normally. With me, I have to say it quelled my anxiety in about fifteen minutes flat, I could really feel it working that fast. I have slept a lot, I find if I sit down at all I nod off, but c'est la vie and all that. I only say all that as it might be worth talking to your doc and just seeing if there's a low dose of something that would just take the edge off without knocking all sense and feeling out of you.
I am also the same with all the pep talks, self care advice, try this, try something else and so on. I think when you're in a minor, blast the blues away kind of funk that sort of stuff works, but when you have health problems (physical ones), much enforced solitude and worry due to Covid, longer term worries about being alone (however stoically and practically you're dealing with it, the worry is there in the background, I think) and getting over M, the Scot, the revelation about missing your dad - I know it all made sense but I do think it still shocks your system when you realise something like that - well, it all adds up and sometimes I think it creates a dip in the brain that does need a medical push to get you in a position where the self care actually does do some good again.
I am thinking of you. I've not been on the board much as I am struggling and I'm trying to just concentrate on meals, exercise and a bit of activity with son before conking out on the sofa. I think going in to this second Covid winter is harder for everyone, we're all more tired and a bit battle weary, in my opinion.
Hugs. I hope the doc can recommend something useful. It's good that you're doing all those practical things and getting out when you can. I imagine that will feel even more fulfilling if you can get that little lift over all the difficult things at the moment xx
lighter:
Hey, Hops.
I just watched Fantastic Fungi on Netflix. It's an option you might find available to you. A friend micro doses regularly ( he can't even feel it) but with 1 monthly macro dose. His supplier is a lady in Texas who helps wounded vets with PTSD/Operator's Syndrome/depression. He said it's changed his life.
I'm thinking of you and pooch, Hops. I hate that you're in distress.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
It's the endless gray days that get me Hops. Only I don't have panic attacks - just curl up and hibernate.
I don't have any specific advice, but sometimes the only thing that works for me is to insist - using every devious method I can think of - that I go do ___________ whether I want to, feel like it or not. It works on my imaginationary fears & worry, it works on my "woe is me", and it works on my general cranky old lady stubbornness.
;)
Hopalong:
I hear you, Tupp. I completely understand why you're doing the SSRI and I hope the low dose kicks in for you, so you can avoid the worst side effects. It's ironic to me that in the side effects lists for many SSRIs they'll list "sleep problems" or "insomnia" and ALSO "drowsiness," for the same drug. It's an individual crapshoot, but if I were feeling anxiety severely enough for a lot longer I would give an SSRI (or maybe an SSNI) another round anyway. Although they're called antidepressants they're often prescribed for anxiety, and can help either. I was just so pleased to be off everything some years back. Hoping I can keep it that way but I'll be realistic.
I did make an appt for a video talk with my doc in a week, so I'll talk it all over with him. I will likely be feeling a lot better by then, having adjusted to the light changes that affect me so strongly. Sometimes just having a unfilled prescription in my pocket if I need it eases the anxiety state, or gives me confidence to weather it.
Lighter, ironically, in this study of magic mushrooms (they're for treatment-resistant depression, not so much for anxiety, but it's pretty individual how one reacts, if my few college LSD adventures were any indication!) they compared it --favorably--head to head with Lexapro (Tupp's Rx). It's a pretty small study of 59 males, though etc. https://www.imperial.ac.uk/news/219413/magic-mushroom-compound-performs-well-antidepressant/
I don't think that route is right for me. Years ago when I still smoked weed now and then I had a huge anxiety reaction once and quit permanently on the spot. Though I've been going through some sadness and delayed grief, I'm not depressed. I feel the difference between true sorrow and that heavy gray blanket of depression.
My issue is anxiety, almost purely. Chronic insomnia is key to it also, so maybe if I find a safe (non-valerian) treatment that helps with that, I can avoid Rx. I was reading recently something that makes perfect sense that I'd never thought of before, dunno why....ADD can be a major contributor to serious insomnia. Brain just won't stop hopping.
Long story shorter, I'm hopeful. Tonight at dusk I intentionally put on a lovely and very distracting film (on Amazon Prime, The Electrical Life of Louis Wain, which I could tell from the trailer would take me to a really great place about love and beauty). Indeed it did. And I should confess I'm a major Cumberbitch. Sighhhh.
Amber, if my breathing is working I do think pushing through my resistance is a good idea. To that end I've had a thing posted in my kitchen pass through lately -- three words that struck me as a very helpful message to keep taking in: Do It Anyway. That's what I did the morning the cleaner came and it felt awesome. House is still looking quite nice. It's the habit of pausing and reminding my ADD-self to COMPLETE whatever small task or mess, so things get put away. It's that simple.
I've got an ocean of laundry to do tomorrow, both hampers are full, so we'll see.
Thanks much to all three of you for hearing my distress and writing. You've no idea how important this safe space is to me, and each of you. I'm better just from this!
grateful hugs,
Hops
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