Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
mental health
Meh:
Hi Hops,
I read what you wrote there.
Read it earlier and then came back to it. Sometimes I read things but don't write any response.
You are questioning if you want to continue with the therapist of 4 years or do something else.
sKePTiKal:
Wacky Life Theorist (and part-time absurdist) response:
Feelings pass, are let go - when they're replaced with something else in your attention. "Healing" may very well consist of feeling something else, intensely, instead. Or otherwise occupying yourself with tasks that require your focus and attention.
Feelings AREN'T the end all, be all of authenticity. If humans were meant to be 100% "authentically" JUST their feelings - why do we develop a frontal cortex? It's how we choose to act and behave on our feelings that is the "magic" of being human.
Every person has a different comfort zone "balance" of thinking & feeling that is their experience of being alive and real; valuable and useful. What is comfortable for Ben, doesn't work at all for Betty - and individuality /spirit /DNA? - all help determine what that comfort zone is.
If "Happiness 24/7/365" was a real thing; achievable; no one would be motivated to creativity, or mind-numbingly difficult physical repetitve tasks. Chasing happiness, IMO, is one of the ways modern culture has gone off the rails. Oftentimes, I've lied to myself that feeling happy was all that mattered to me. And I'd go to extremes to try to find it - failing spectacularly. When, in truth, what it was - was I simply needed to appreciate and be grateful for all the things that are "just right" (for me) in my universe.
Sadness has a value too. It's a worthy emotion. But, at this point, I think I've come to the conclusion that the whole point of therapy - most kinds anyway - is to help people not BE STUCK - feeling just that one emotion ALL THE DAMN TIME. We're all going to have times when we touch base with our inner darkness. We're going to spend an undefined amount of time with all of them - comfortable feeling or not - and it's my experience (now) that we can spend enough time with those uncomfortable feelings until they pass naturally to something else and resume pursuing the goals or projects that were interrupted momentarily. Sometimes - it's a LONG time till it passes. But that's OK; it's what needed.
I hit a point in my grieving process (and juggling massive anger too) over Mike, where I was just SOOOOOOOoooo damn tired of crying, I just didn't want to do that anymore. And that's when I got my ass in gear to start purging the bulk of the Mike space-taker-uppers, dust collectors, and things I conceded letting him have because it filled some empty space for him. In him. Then, I found & bought the farm. ;) I didn't force it; I stayed with the grief till it shifted, let it shift through all the other things - till moving day saw me loading Mio-Mio into the car to make the last drive up here at sunset. We pulled in about 10 pm; in the dark; with a handful of unfamiliar keys.
Hops, I know you don't do well with solitude for extended periods of time. You perhaps could try to find a small group of friends nearby, to socialize with - singly or in groups. It doesn't have to become a mutual aid society or a daily practice but it would do you good, I think, to look in on some peeps you care about and not have so much time dedicated to sorting your own mess out. A small balance change at first; baby steps - might be enough change to replace attention to specific feelings that are stubbornly hanging around.
I accept that you're more emotionally oriented (as a poet) than the majority of people, including me. Your comfortable balance is gonna be different than a lot of people's. It's what floats YOUR boat, that's important and you'll need to engage your attention and perceptiveness in tiny refinements until you find what works for you. Your "recipe" for a contented life is a one-off; no two are exactly the same.
I need to run & make breakfast and then I'm sorting out a lot of studio crap. Getting it arranged & set up with the intent of starting to MAKE some things - pretties, utility items, dunno what all yet. I might even lose the urge to work out there. But it'll be ready & waiting (and CLEAN) for me to "play" should I have time & choose to do so.
Hopalong:
Thanks, Amber. I like your reminder that DOING is healing. I know it is; there it is. I need to motivate myself to pour love on my little home for myself. I tend to think -- oh what difference does it make, nobody's coming over. Kinds of stupidities.
I really don't cry much. The first few years of the no-child/no-family situation I'd open up like a firehose now and then. But it's been 10 years now and I rarely shed a tear. (To a fault, I think.) What I think I did was let the loss settle into my skeleton so it became part of me. A part I accept though I do talk about it with friends at times when it aches or when I get afraid of the long road ahead. I think I am blocked and have a lot of pent-up tears that my body turns into fear and chest stuff. Maybe I should encourage myself to have a weep-date with myself now and then. I've just dried up, kinda. My eyes get damp now and then, but no spillover.
For me, activity will heal a lot of it. But there's an ocean of ache for deeper connection and love. I know women friends love me and I had two (from the covenant group) over last evening for patio yak and it was lovely. I'm still not hugging, nor are they (one's had covid) and they're dears I'm grateful for, but. It's not the level of intimacy I yearn for (with a man). Even a mind connection is underwhelming with most of my women friends, oddly. My T said, "You need more love in your life" and there it is. I'm touch-starved, too. Pandemic didn't help.
I might be having coffee with a friendly retired railroad engineer. Saw his big-smile pic and wrote him. He lives 45 minutes away. Just seems like a happy, active guy who's obsessed with trains. Smart, not snobby. He went to Maine to a John Bonamassa concert so I looked that guy up and WOW. We might meet next week.
Mouse, thank you. You got it and it helped to read it restated simply. There it is.
Lighter, that really helped, your portrait of your T's presence and empathy. I think I kind of yearn for the Sikh and fear going back to him. I think I yearn for some male energy while fearing men. Or picking the wrong one, over and over.
I just don't know where things are with present T. She's kind and well intentioned but I wonder if she's as frustrated with me as I sometimes feel with her. I think she'd love it if I broke down crying but there's something in her way of reacting that can put me off. I believe empathy is completely genuine on her part but in some way I think her halting speech is scary to me -- can we ever ever connect without her slo-mo search for the next word, which is often so underwhelming when it comes I just feel flattened and give up. It's not her fault in the slightest.
Thanks so much, all-a y'all, for hearing all that and responding. YOU make a huge difference in my life. And my mental health.
love
Hops
lighter:
Hops:
If you feel funny about taking a break with your T....maybe her ego is involved in that process.
Maybe you're worried about hurting her feelings when she wouldn't be hurt at all.
Maybe you worry you'll lose your regular appointment, something that happened to me,but ended up with my finding a much better regular appointment.
I don;t understsand the halting speech from your T.
My T usually is repeating back to me and writing down what I'm saying bc we're about to do a session around the upsetting feelings I'm having. I don't need her to respond. She's already doing the work of guiding me to process the trauma.... what is there to say besides asking me if I'm comfortable doing EMDR, or pushing on a wall or AIT or ART therapy? There's never just sitting and if there is, it's me talkng about stuff that isn't a poblem for me.... and it's time for a break.
We're going to process the trauma OUT of my brain and body. She's teaching me to do it for myself,which is amazing and so obvious to me now.
If there;s a theme song in my T's office it's Lets Get Down To Business..... truly. She's as up for it and I can see in her eyes, she's there FOR THAT. Simple chats are enjoyable. We have them, but they're the beginning of a break OR deciding what we're going to work on next. Chatting isn't the T.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Lighter, that's really helpful. Thank you.
I don't think I can make it her responsibility that we're not working together as you describe. I've had such fear located in my body that things like reprocessing trauma trigger SOB or chest pain, and I rely on narrative instead. It's not just "chatting" but for me, it helps simply to keep telling the story or the recent story until something in my mind/heart shifts and I have a new insight. Insight is all, for me.
I think it might just be personality stuff. She is patient and empathetic, but the pace thing really is an issue. I don't need a speed freak talker, but her responses are so labored and effortful that I get subtly triggered. Dunno what it is. Maybe she's having processing struggles in some way I don't understand, or maybe it's how her own ADD functions, who knows? I don't think I need to know the why, but just try to assess how "stuck" it is.
And also challenge myself. To take more pauses, to listen more calmly while she finds a word. Hmmm.
As I think of it now, I think I'm backing off the idea of seeing Sikh again. The reason is, when I'm strong and fighting and being a warrior for myself, I can talk to anyone and hold my own. But I have enough fear of males (and his religious stuff, even though he says it won't apply) that it might not be the best move.
But that's how I feel today. :)
hugs
Hops
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