2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report

[Hopalong]

I always hear responsibility coming from your posts, Amber. And such competence.
It's a lot, and it's remarkable. The thing that seems so much more important than what you do, list wise, is how much you enjoy it. There's a lovely savoring in getting things done.

I couldn't even call you a role model as you're an olympic Zamboni compared to an old-school ice cube tray.

I'm pretty sure the above was incoherent, but you'll get whatever's worth getting, I know.

Just so pleased to hear the B-notes coming through to the top line. Joy in the morning!

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

A zamboni, eh? They are pretty cool machines in action. First time I've had that applied to me though! LOLOLOLOL

You might lean more toward the ice cube tray end of the spectrum though, if you tried to find my tomatos in the big garden. The weeds are almost waist high again, with all this rain. B has been keeping me busy with running for parts to fix vehicles, using the ranger to get around - and we've been running to town a lot for his appts. Hol has needed regular mommy-attention with S gone so much; he won't be home until very late tonight - and tomorrow leaves again. Her abandonment issues are starting to conflict with her independent, responsible & competent streak... and I'm her closest opportunity to sit & chat with. I think she's going to go visit an old friend and swim next weekend tho.

I much prefer B's company to hers. He is so easy & fun to be around - and almost anything said between Hol & I can trigger a reaction in one or the other. I know we're spending too much unstructured time together but I don't see that being fixable. Maybe I can suggest a collaborative project to her; keep her mind off ruminating so much she becomes a whistling rattling teakettle.

[sKePTiKal]

OH... and B & I are moving into a new phase of planning; getting ready for his big move things need to be better organized around here. It helps he's as OCD about organization as I am (though in practice and during work - he makes a squirrel's nest of mess).

[lighter]

If I could speak to Hol.....
I'd tell her what I'm trying to tell my girls, Amber.

"It's OK to feel the pain and face the suffering..... it won't kill you, though it feels as thought it might."
Mom can't fix this for you.  It's inside you and it's something you have to fix yourself now.  You CAN fix this yourself.  I trust you can and believe in you.


My girls are stumbling through a very uncomfortable path...... I trained stoicism into their little Nervous Systems and as I loosen suffering's hold on me, my deaprture from stoicism alarms them.  They don't know what to do with it.... yet.  They will.

Learning to replace stocism is a very whonky unpretty thing, IME.  Toes can't point and there';s no sucking it in, emotionally.... it's ugly and traumatic but it's how trauma gets tended to, IME.

We all deserve to tend to be tended to, as does our pain, IME.

More about that on one of my threads; )
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Stoic, she is NOT. Hence the need for almost regularly constant social interaction. She hasn't quite made friends with herself yet.

But she IS trying all on her own; I'm just the resorted to "last resort" when she's sick of arguing with herself about herself. Some of it is menopausal hormones, for sure. But there's a lot more than that going on.

Eh, it is what it is. She looks to be busier this week, or at least more of it. Which means I'm left alone.

[lighter]

I hear you, Amber.  Hol's distress comes out all over the place,. but it seems to me it's just symptoms she's stressing over.

You steady her and she goes on the way she goes.....

Hol can hang on to the edge longer,. bc she strong and bc you're steadying her grip.

At some point, dropping off the edge..... maybe being allowed to drop off the edge to really FEEL whatever the root cause is leads to healing and growth and emotional freedom.

One of my girls is really going through some tough times and it was coming out of sideways and all over the place...mostly aimed at me, but it wasn't about me.  It's about her and she was just unsing me as a distraction..... there was some drama, btw.

But the hard nut of her original trauma was something she was holding on to with perseverence and great strength.   She's recently relented and somthing cracked and it poured out with immense relief and it was so so so hard to get there. 

Part of getting there was my dealing with her distress better.... just letting it be....not propping her up...... not allowing her to make it about me or anything else, really.  Just redireting her back to herself withi compassion and making it clear she was going to be the one to fix her stuff.

[Hopalong]

I think both of you mothers have done an extraordinary job of learning not to fix it, with your Ds. All the more remarkable because they live with you as adults.

It's impressive. When they do fully settle into autonomy, they're going to be stronger dealing with their stuff. That's for sure. Or will find other people to trust and to help. I admire you both for being able to witness when asked without joining. Huge.

What a gift.

hugs,
Hops

[lighter]

(((Hops)))

[Hopalong]

Amber, was B exposed to toxins during his service?
Doesn't sound as though his line of work would've done that.

But I was hoping that some provisions/improvements in the burn pits legislation would somehow trickle to all injured vets, and thought of all B's been through. Haven't read the fine print.

So happy y'all are together on the mountain. And envious of your cooler temp (I think?) and all the nature that surrounds you.

Enjoyyyyyyy...

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Very likely Hops. He was a diver and has assisted in all kinds of underwater salvage & rescues for local law enforcement and after storms; mechanical work too - even on heavy equipment.

But when you sign up with the military, they assume absoutely NADA responsibiity for any physical issues you might encounter or incur along the way. In reality. It's only because of laws, that the VA even pretends to help... and their execution oftentimes is less than professional. Especially considering how long (or repeatedly) these soldiers were facing inhuman trauma and life/death situations. So, there's psychological wear & tear to consider also. Thus, it's always been, throughout history - when they weren't killed directly in battle.

I don't have any realistic hope that any funding will actually benefit actual vets healthcare; it'll disappear into the admin/bureaucracy never to be seen again -- so that they can ask for the same budget the next year, in the standard "use it or lose it" scenario that exists all thru government agencies. And the only result will be more hoops to jump thru to obtain care & constant monitoring for vets.

That said, he's experienced this for so long it's normalized for him. He knows how it works, and is a stickler for following the rules. The new doc and this organization are a major improvement. This is "new"; takes some getting used to for him. It's so easy to expect the same negative care & results. Those old neural pathways ya know? Expectations delivering results.

It's been a month. Incision has healed up well in that time - and he HAS been able to work with the level of pain relief he's getting now, which is microscopic almost. It's enough for the affected nerves. Only issue keeping him from going back to finish the purge & packing is a slight infection; that was treated immediately and competently. B's mind does worry over that alot given prior experience. I do what I can to help him sort out fear of repetition from actual fact.

Overall it's going well Hops. Just putting one foot in front of the other and figuring things out; brainstorming ideas, and just playing around. 

[sKePTiKal]

So, the studio work.

The last of Hol's things have been moved. I've been scrubbing the floor, moving items, deep cleaning & designing in my head. Trying to get a feel for functional arrangement of flat surfaces. And looking at all my gack displayed on shelves - wishing it would just all go away. Like oil painting crap. Oils are tedious, touchy, and one has to wait for them to dry before proceeding. Most of my images are personal & therapeutic for ME - and I'm seldom that distraught anymore to bother with the lovely, expressive "get the composition on quickly with passion" phase. One canvas in 30 years? Hmmmmmmm. Perhaps it's not worth it keeping all that around.

Like my old etching zinc plates; poundage there. I don't have a press (studio floor wouldn't hold it anyway). And the ventilation requirements far exceed the building's design. Before moving to the beach, I invested in a nice watercolor taboret. Even back then, the last time I thought I had time/interest in making art... I was extremely tentative exploring that medium. And ended up back with my paper & pencils; occasionally pastels. Which felt pretty good. And I have done quite a bit in that medium; even lately I finished a portrait of Mike.

A lot of Hol's friends are artists. And one thing I've noticed about that generation is that it's almost more important that they IDENTIFY as an artist -- as make art. There is one exception; the former photog who's been making collages of disposed cigaratte paper/filters. He's been regularly producing pieces, albeit it may also be a form of art therapy for him too. The work/style is evolving, I can say that for him.

As for me, I never made a big deal out of being an artist. The label is almost a stereotype and people regularly told me I wasn't a "normal" artist. LOLOLOLOLOL. You know, raising kids, driving boys to soccer practice, making meals at normal times and paying the bills on time. But I never let the identification go. It was always something I could "fall back on" when I got too old & decrepit to be of much use otherwise. So I saved all those tools. Drug 'em around move after move. And now, I just want them to go away.

It's like armor that's outlived it's usefulness. It's in the way. Of what I don't know yet. Like having long hair down to my butt, that took a long, long time to grow; eats up hours a week taking care of it; creates tension headaches from the weight and is like wearing a wooly mammoth in the heat of summer. It's in the way; not functional; serves no purpose; takes up space. If I keep my watercolors, papers & pencils - I can still make images. Been watching some bookbinding vids too. I learned that one summer before my senior year and made a few books with fancy pull-outs, die-cuts, all handprinted. I have linoleum blocks & tools & inks. Could still print that way.

But the things I know about sewing and needlework seem to be more valuable in the society we're transitioning to. Useful. And it was my first creative medium. And there seems to be rising energy in/around me to just dive in and revive the old studio motto:

I know by going where it is I have to go. (Theodore Rothke)

[Hopalong]

LOVE all this thinking, Amber!

And btw, apropos of nothing, I love pastels. Did a wild series of pastel self-portraits when I lived in the attic of the Louisville Courier Journal film critic. She was pals with Ned Beatty. I loved that city.

My guy pals used to come look at them all over the wall and try not to show that they liked the one with bare boobs best.

Identity labels don't matter. Your capacity for human happiness, in whatever personal form, is functioning fine.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

Ahhh.... the long hair and art supplies, Amber.  So heavy, take up time and space, but they're a part of a person with long hair and an attachment to art supplies... I understand.

As I read your post I thought about your cutting your hair........
and I was envious at the thought you could and I would never shed my own..... hair or art supplies.

The idea of putting away, giving away precious art supplies felt so sad to me...... and my daughters dive into them and use them all the time, so....they're here to stay.

But the hair....the last time I cut mine, was before trial.  I guess youngest dd was about 6 or 7yo and she was so angry.
"I had a lot of good memories with that hair, you PUT IT BACK!" 

The ttuth is.... shorter hair is a HUGE PITA to deal with.... much more difficult than longer hair I can put up and out of the way in 3 seconds.  Shorter hair looks like someone else's hair and I';m completely unnerved every time I see myself in a mirror....... it was a dreadful time and I think it's shaved head, like Tupp, or long hair for me.

I think the moss was my oil painting-like habit...... tedious and time consuming, perhaps not worth keeping it around. Will see.

I'm curious what I'll keep..... things are going to go.  I;m just not certain which things. 

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

I'm not either Lighter; not sure what will go and what will stay. It was easier to box up the last of Mike's tools & collections from the studio and relocate them. There are some photos in that category too. My hair is growing out again, just to be able to pull it back and my stylist is on maternity leave.

The outdoor work has two giant obstacles for me. One is heat & humidity; I simply can't acclimate to it. The other is bugs. Noseeums were late this year, and I got nailed back in June; still have red welts on my back. We have a bug zapper on the porch and when I came out a few nights ago collected 20 mosquito bites within the space of 5 minutes. The one welt on my back has B worrying over it and doctoring me, for a change. It's still not serious but it does itch and bother me.

Furniture changes - minor ones - are in order too. And storage management. My pantry plan for part of the garage downstairs hasn't materialized. The studio garage needs a LOT of reorganization and we have a good bit to move from the barn to the shop. Every blessed vehicle needs a day of B attention and parts. B is cutting down dead trees for firewood and Virginia pines (which are invasive here and grow like weeds). The garden needs it's fall makeover after I earth any surviving plants from the waist high weeds. And I need to get my seed starting stuff moved to the barn and order more seeds. And a TON of tree trimming and removing suckers from stumps, etc just landscaping cleanup.

SIGH. I might have to recruit Hol. And she has her own list of important jobs. I guess we'll touch base later today again and see what their schedule looks like again.

[Hopalong]

Anybody local who'd welcome some hourly yard work?

hugs
Hops