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2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report

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sKePTiKal:
Once again, no news is good news.

B's infection is clearing up now. Both my jeeps have been added to the "must repair list" - brakes. Rudi's almost done. All the bobcat needs is some grease - and shelter. Still have a gas tank to weld on the backhoe.

I've got blinds & curtains to put up in the studio. Debbie's coming out for a long weekend away from "crazy". Hol's getting ready to go back to work for a couple weeks; and she's sorting out her differences with S.

We're planning a low-key relaxing weekend. A bit of a road trip, if the Grand Cherokee is done in time - there is a farm I want to check out for grass-fed beef. There are 3-4 sources locally now and the farmer's markets are all over the place on weekends.

B's been cutting/splitting wood for the stoves this winter - and to clear out around the shop. He's in no hurry to go back... LOLOLOL. Which suits me fine. But he'll have to - he keeps needing tools he doesn't have here. LOLOL.

sKePTiKal:
Just got the call last night - my mom has died.

Bro was set to take her home for hospice today. He's a tad upset about that - but now that it's over, I think the relief will set in. Both Hol & I have been expecting the call for days now. She was less of a fan of my mom than I was. My only regret is that now there isn't any way to resolve our differences. We had said everything that needed saying by the middle of the lockdown... so the only thing left was just accepting the finality of not being able to address those differences.

I kinda don't really feel anything one thing or another; I knew she was dying back in June.

So after the cremation, I guess Bro & I will discuss the hoarders' pile of stuff left behind. We would need a couple of large uhaul trucks to deal with it - and then I'm not sure where it would/should go. Maybe donations for a lot of it. Only thing I know I have dibs on is my step-dad's treadle sewing machine.

lighter:
I'm sorry you didn't get more closure and understanding from your mom, ((Amber.))

I found myself feeling all kinds of ways after my mother passed.  I found healing I couldn't find while she was still alive, beginning with her memorial service, so maybe resist feeling your time for closure has passed.  It might just begin.

About the hoard.... there are companies that haul everything away for you.  If you can find one that does it for cheap, maybe cosider them.  I bet that sewing machine is smack in the middle of that hoard.


::shaking head::.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
Thanks Lighter.

Mostly, I found myself thinking I "should" feel something different than I was feeling. But mostly I just feel free. So I get the healing side of this. Talk about waking up into a new reality, tho!  ;)

It's a pretty day here. I have all the makings for a long bonfire (and really, it's due). Buck is a big help with accepting that people are who they are... and we can let go without regret; accepting that things are the way they are.

Hopalong:
I'm sorry, (((((Amber)))))). Not because this is a Greek tragedy, but because no matter how an individual reacts to loss -- it is always individual -- there's an inner child present there somewhere. Hugs and gentle company to her. (I'm glad Buck's with you now. And that your mother's misery is over.)

That child may feel relieved, scared, sad, guilty, confused, liberated, angry, lost, numb or any of these and so many more emotions. It's such a swirl for a while. Individual.

I like Lighter's thought that sometimes more healing and closure happen after a death that could not happen before. Something that occurs to me is that no matter our age when it comes, when our second parent dies -- even or maybe especially a toxic one -- on some biological or metaphysical level, being orphaned is a new identity. Sometimes even when we've looked forward to that freedom, it is still a disorienting feeling. That wears off.

I knew when my Nmom died my main feeling was relief. I had already done most of my grieving for her (what she was and couldn't be) over the course of years. I was also exhausted; so some sorrow, but no tears. Now and then I very briefly miss her, just in a momentary flash when, say, folding something the way she taught me to.

You just do you, wherever your feelings and reflections take you. I know you'll listen to what floats up and you'll be safe with it.

hugs and comfort,
Hops

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