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2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report

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sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---I had already done most of my grieving for her (what she was and couldn't be) over the course of years.
--- End quote ---


Exactly this Hops. After 50 years.

sKePTiKal:
So, B's pump refill was yesterday. And it was deided that yes, pressing ahead to also replace the stimulator (electrical signal to nerves) would also get done - and the process began yesterday. Insurance approval first; psych eval (which is std protocol), and then schedule surgery. We'd been talking/planning about getting back to finish packing and move the next load - but we have another appt next week to give him some latitude on the pump dose rate, with his own controller.

So, we're kinda shifting gears in our planning process a lot. This new pump and several adjustments have made it possible for him to start living more like a normal person - there's less uncertainty in the morning about whether he's going to have a good day or will be miserable all day. His sleeping patterns are normalizing; less waking in the middle of the night and fewer headaches; fewer serious muscle spasms. Overall his quality of life is improving.

Less chronic pain has contributed to more fun times for us, too. Though it's all homely and just being together fun. We 're really getting to know each other at a deep level. It's all just organic, unstructured, the two us as each of us are... and it's incredibly uncomplex and easy - and FUN. Hol isn't understanding this, at all. Seems she's still working through her pre-ordained pattern of a relationship and the level of her satisfaction and getting her needs met. And I think she's having a relationship with her mental image of who she thinks S is; or what he has the potential to be... instead of realizing that with some efforts on her part, what is would work just fine. And if it still won't - it's within her perogative to end it and move on with her life. Instead of cycling around in questioning, imagination, and her struggle with self-image.

Yeah, she's an overthinker par excellence! It is not in her vocabulary to just be grateful for the many things that are going just fine... and continue doing it the next day and the next. It has to be something ELSE; impressive, spectacular, maybe something that will up her value socially among her peer group. (Because she's seeing it through a negative lens too often.) But she's going to work for a couple of weeks and I'm sure that her life here is going to look a lot better when she gets home.

I'm trying to rebalance how much time I spend with her because she's perfectly capable of working through all this crap in her head by herself. And I want to invest in MY life, too. I think she gets that.

There is less "waiting for the other shoe to drop", now that my Mom has passed. As if I couldn't see how much dread I felt about her next phone call or medical episode. Or how much space in my head she took up. There is more room now. And honestly, I'm hearing less of those nasty judgy self-critical comments too. Which is like breathing crisp fresh air on a fall day...

lighter:
How does Too feel about therapy?  If you step back, maybe she'll seek out professional advice?

You sound real good, Amber: )

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
I've been strongly suggesting T for a long time, Lighter. Years. Mostly on her own - but if asked, I would be willing to do a joint session. She is just not a believer in the benefits, for various reasons. It matters not that I've told her that it would take some effort to find someone who is a good match for her. A "guide" to fixing oneself would work best for her, but first she needs convincing that T isn't going to "fix" anything; that's her job once she discovers how she's sabotaging herself.

Anxiety seems to be her nemesis. But then, I was about her age when it hit me like a frieght train too. Her perimenopausal symptoms are tough; hormones very wonky. But, progress is being made anyway. She did actually ASK for some support last night without being overcritical of what was able to be offered.

She is a person who functions best in a busy, demanding, structured environment with a smaller amount of free time. I thrive on unstructured free time - even if I do have to fight my tendency to be lazy.

Hopalong:
I'm really sorry, Amber.

If Hol could open herself to having her own experience in therapy in the nearby city, her whole life could grow more peaceful and focused. She could heal and bloom.

IME, sometimes even the very first "interview for information" appointment she makes could pay off. And if the fit's not quite right, it's just as valuable to talk with a second or third professional. She'll know when it's right.

Sending good vibes to you both. Plus B.

hugs
Hops

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