Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
2022 Frozen Tundra Farm Report
sKePTiKal:
Sorry for the last really quick update. He hit me with that first thing in the morning and I was kinda in shock. Seems too fast, as hard as it's been to jump through all the hoops in front of him, to get healthcare at all. And I started running through the list of everything I needed to do before he got here... and it's truly not that much. Tomatos & peppers will go in tomorrow when it's cooler. Shopping run today and maybe later in the week too.
This is the long visit. Doc wants him to rest up 30 days, to let the pump heal in adequately before going back to his normal level of physical activity; which puts some younger men to shame. So my job is to ride herd on him & the squirrels in his brain. LOL. Then, he figures there are 2 more trips before he's done going back & forth. If this one is successful, and actually starts dripping the pain relief to his destroyed nerves... it won't be long.
I've been trying to get my metabolism rev'd up a little, with the necessary work around here. That kills two birds at one time. It takes a lot of energy to keep up with him - and my neuro pathways for energy are all associated with stress. So, trying to tweak that back toward balance. Trying to figure out better food for lunches too. But that's been a struggle for awhile. At least it's salad season and I make good potato and pasta salad.
Hol seems to be a bit of a mess; emotionally/mentally. But that's partly something she knows is difficult for her -- unstructured time fuels overthinking & picking flies outta shit. Magnifying little "problems" and imagining slights.... she does much better with clear goals & deadlines and is learning to create those for herself. It's not like she doesn't have big important things to "do". It's not like she's deeply unhappy being here. But she can easily talk herself into believing some of the fantasies (or old wound-fueled narratives) in her head. I'm managing to refute the untrue things while basically letting her figure this out herself.
I know it must feel like a lot to manage for her, what with both of them working more at staggered (sometimes overlapping) times - and the resulting extra chores for me, taking care of dogs and feeding birds. She has imposed a giant obligation on herself to "take care of mom" -- which is bigger than it has to be. I have been telling her, I can and WANT to do things myself. But that's not sinking in yet. Coz I don't work the way she does, and make everything an urgent "get it done now" priority. I know better than to spread myself too thin - and am only beginning to surface from the business stuff (administration) I've been submerged in.
She is also dealing with changes in the outside world too. What she sees of the city scares the crap out of her now. But she's being pretty pragmatic about dealing with the fear, most of the time. She lived there long enough to know how to sense trouble before she has to deal with it. But sadness & worry for those she cares about who are still there, sometimes can make her unreasonable. She forgets, in that state, I've lived through "hard times" and know cities too. Because I don't now, reads to her, like I can't possibly imagine.
This kid is a whole package of "stuff", for sure - and adulthood so far, hasn't really done more than wear off a little of the rough edges. LOLOL. Think: FORMIDABLE. And yet, she can revert to silly, giggly, playful sweetie in the next split second. I think she got the weirdo gene.
lighter:
Hi,Amber:
I'm SO happy B has surgery scheduled and has someone, YOU, on his team to oversee and help. I can't imagine all the hospital stuff he's tried to get through without a good advocate at the hospital.
Hol will figure her stuff out and learn from your mindful boundary setting. Sure, she'll push back, but that's OK.
The push back my youngest was serving has calmed itself and she's talked about what was behind it...... explained it. It helps us both understand and keep moving forward. It's not always pretty, but it's in the right direction and that has to be enough.
I'm happy to read about your garden,but notice I have zero interest in planting and caring for much right now. I have one large hole to dig and every day I touch my shovel...... move my arm..... consider it, then put it off a bit longer.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
I get the not wanting to plant & care for "something else". I am still trying, especially the veg garden - which needs more tilled up & seeded - the squash, beans, etc - pretty quick. I also need to pot up some herb seeds. So far, I've gotten valerian established.
I feel I've been pulled in too many very different directions again. What with the medicare crap, taxes, Hol's need to be "heard" about whatever rolls thru her head... and am kinda sitting down, crossing my arms, and saying to myself... when is someone gonna take care of ME? So far, that ain't on the radar. Though Hol did help me with a particularly difficult toilet tank disassembly. I made one fix myself; and the tank still leaks... so just about everything inside needs replaced or I buy a new toilet.
A week ago, my brother texted me late. He'd taken my mom to the hospital because she was short of breath, seriously. They've diagnosed congestive heart failure and very high BP. But it just hit me wrong that late at night; along with the realization she'll be 90 next spring and sort of a long-held secret wish that my life could just be free of the conflicting feelings I still have about her. Since I was about 12, I've wanted my mommy back - the one before she lost it when her mom died. Somewhere in there, my old mommy still exists and still feel very intensely about how she hasn't been able to retrieve that self - for her own sake. She and I don't have anything that resembles a relationship, so it's not like I can plead with her about that.
I've known for some time, that this time was coming. I've expected to feel all kinds of things about it too. So it's not a surprise. Why should feelings about her death be any less conflicted than the last 50+ years, ya know? Fortunately, I'm no longer responsible for handling her affairs - I think. I'll need to talk to brother about that. Have some business things to follow up on with him anyway.
My subconscious is working through a whole bunch of stuff lately in recurring dream landscapes. The beach house, other living situations/people... I'm just kinda watching them and not letting the fact I'm having strange dreams become a new puzzle to solve.
I still have a few plants to put in the dirt - a real nice foxglove I bought locally, some marigolds and nasturiums. The kitchen bed needs weeding and my car needs a bath, badly. Years of pollen stuck to door frames, etc. Poor thing will be 10 years old next year! But I'm glad I haven't been tempted to trade it in or sell it, since it gets great gas mileage still. And I probably put more fuel in the farm vehicles than I do the jeeps.
Hopalong:
I'm so sorry, ((((((Amber))))). We all have incipient inner orphan grief, and we can be in our 60s or 70s when the final door to a different outcome with parents closes in our face...
So to that little girl inside you, tenderness. And to your lost mother, peace and as much comfort as possible. It's a major chapter -- the last one. Closing the book takes a long time after, but it will work its way through the psyche and free you.
I think it's got to be YOU who steps up with the boundaries that give you space to care for yourself. Dang it. Just if you can, do it (= say it) before you feel resentment or anger rising. You don't have to justify or detail it or blow up about it, just assert your needs. We're all selfish and deaf so it helps to have someone just say what's happening.
I'm feel all pontificant today and just got properly smacked on the wrist for wrongly correcting a word thing in the Post. Hmmm. Did me good, so do dump salt on what I opine....
hugs
Hops
PS I am blowing $$ on having my 2008 car detailed (interior only). I have to drive a couple people to a gathering and Pooch had a smelly accident...ugh. But it'll be a joy to drive once the doghair-upholstery is spruced up. All the bending involved in doing it myself is not an option at the moment. My back just seized up this morning when all I did was bend down to collect a jar out of a low cupboard. Made 5 power shakes anyway to freeze. Pea protein, frozen spinach, blueberries/banana/tart cherries/mangos, turmeric, stevia, soymilk. Not elegant but gets those nutrients in.
lighter:
((Amber)) Maybe writing unsent letters to the mum you had before age 10... will help? Not sure, but I hope you find serenity around your mother. My heart wants to walk your inner child through memory reconsolidation to rewrite that story in your Nervous System. Do you see a T and does she do that kind work?
Hops:
Your shakes sound yummy.
Do you switch the soy milk up or do you have one you can't live without?
I've started using Kiki milk which isn't perfect....almost a little grainy, but I can't argue with the ingredient list.
What do you do to unsieze your back?
lighter
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