Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
My husband has been dead over a year now...........omg
sKePTiKal:
BettyAnne - IMO, your feelings are natural and normal. The first "anniversary" is the hardest. Just watch out for how much time you spend reliving the past, instead of trying to build a new kind of life now. It does get easier, the more time has passed, for most people. Especially if you can focus on present life and finding your new place in it.
Bettyanne:
I think what is so hard is that I have known Bill since I was 16 and he was 17.......60 years...omg
I'm not going into in depth but I had a very difficult time with my mother. Life was more about her then it was about anything. I bought a book recently Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents.......omg did that fit.....
Life was bad enough living with her mother and my retared brother who never walked or talked.......and a mother who runs out the door everyday to be a secretary.......
My father, brother and grandmother all died in 1964 ......and I was married to Bill on June 6th.....I get yelled at saying I have a husband and she has nothing.......but she always ran away not dealing with her son, husband, mother or me??
She worked until she was 100.....she finally died in 2012 almost 101......
I am lost in the meantime with the loss of my dear husband Bill.......that bitch took advantage of me again.....until she died
I could go on and on about her.......but really it was about her????
I realize now how she took advantage of me and my husband .......and people at the office or anyone she could take advantage of.......I wonder how God looked at this picture??
I know its easy to say let it go.......but that bitch used anyone an especially me and Bill.......
OK I need to stop......
Hopalong:
It must be really hard to let go of your mother, Bettyanne...
it was never fair for you.
I hope at some point you'll be able to let her go.
She's had her run -- 100 years! -- so if you got some of those longevity genes,
maybe you'll have a couple decades for thoughts that make you feel happier.
I remember being so obsessed with my mother, how she wasn't motherly or warm or affectionate, and was so manipulative and dominating, for decades. Looking back, I wish I could have released her to the past and freed up my mind for better things.
But it just took me the time it took, so I sympathize with where you're stuck. In my case, I wasn't really free of her until I forgave her. I learned a few years before she died that her father abused his daughters. She was both broken and hollow and eventually, I stopped wishing for something from her that she didn't have to give. It helped when I would start down my same old narrative, and stop myself, and deliberately think of her as a little girl in a sick family. Then a held-back tide of compassion came up through me for her as a child. She did do me a lot of damage, but that started in her own damage, which was not her fault.
It was a huge relief. Brought me peace.
hugs
Hops
lighter:
You don't need to"stop" having the feelings, Bettyanne:
You're entitled to have every hard, difficult, agressively resentful feeling your mother put inside your brain and body. It's Ok and necessary and good to take it out, examine it and finish with it.
I don't know how to do that without a trauma informed T to help one process those feelings so they can be filed away in historic files for good.....but I know pushing them down and expecting them to go away isn't likely going to get rid of them.
You deserve to be free of all the past trauma, (((Bettyanne.)))
You deserve to turn fully towards your present moments and all the good memories you built with B.
You might find some relief on the Emotional Freedom Tecniques site... I've heard good things about it,but never visited it.
Lighter
Hopalong:
Lighter, when I would do this:
--- Quote ---when I would start down my same old narrative, and stop myself
--- End quote ---
I wasn't telling myself I had to "stop" negative feelings. I didn't judge them as wrong or bad and I had felt them and thought about them and validated and narrated them to myself incessantly for decades. These were deeply warn ruts in my mind. And well earned.
I just reached a point where an unexpected flood of understanding brought light. It began to smooth the ruts, and allow me peace.
I found I wanted peace, is all. I craved peace. I wasn't papering over toxic or terrible stuff or not processing the past. Peace and compassion just called to me more. Finally. It took as long as it took and by old age, many people with painful pasts do have a chance to find peace, if they're lucky.
I agree that all of Bettyanne's feelings are true and welcome. Absolutely. I wasn't suggesting otherwise. Just sharing my own experience, not suppressing hers.
hugs
Hops
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