Hello ... i've been reading up on everything you all have written and wanted to introduce myself and a new topic ... and i, too, have forgotten my password to log on
a warning, this might get kind of long
Anyway, so i think i've figured who the main N in my life is - a difficult question coz there have been so many ... for a long time i thought it was my father, but, increasingly, i think he's got N tendencies, but may be reflecting a lot of what my mother dumps on him -- so, my conclusion is that she puts 'unrelenting' (his word, which i think i v on point) pressure on him, venting about how me or my brother are doing something horrible/upsetting/insensitive etc etc and he ends up blasting us with those very words ... v effective strategy, coz she ends up smelling like roses, and we end up hating him. Feel a bit stupid that it took me this long to work out the pattern, but then again, you have to say it's pretty ingenious, machiavellian even!! Even more impressive if you think that i spent years and years idealizing this woman, thinking that she was the end all and be all
In 2002, I got out of a relationship (5+ yrs) with a man who i think bloomed into a full-fledged N (or perhaps was this all along!) -- the only good thing about this relationship was the fact that because of his horrible horrible mother -- the only person in my life i have absolutely NO doubts is an N -- i discovered N'ism and started analysing my own family. So thanks to that most horrible woman and, frighteningly, nearly Nminlaw!!
Oooof -- so having escaped all that, i decided to return to my family -- knowing that it was a dangerous move (not, i think realizing just how dangerous) but feeling that i had to relive the experience of being at home to understnad once and for all what exactly happened while i was growing up ... Needless to say, i discovered contsant one-upmanship, bizzarre guilt-trips (my mom regularly spews off about wanting to prevent me even thinking about getting a Phd - she says she doesn't want to suffer as i go thru the work and tension and stress of further study
) and an erosion of the feelings of self-worth i have worked so hard in the past year to rebuild. I find that it's the constant barrage of niggling doubts, criticisms, combined with the hijacking of my emotions, my experiences in and about the world that is most draining.
So, first conclusion -- no wonder i got myself into so many bad situations in my life.
Second conclusion -- hats off to me and all of us on this board for having made it through at all ... It's v v difficult to hang on to ANY shred of ourselves, I think --- and it seems that, as Ns go, my mother is of the less destructive kind (no court cases, no active destruction of my relationships, only passive aggression)
My third conclusion is genuine fear and bewilderment -- since all this posturing, abuse and control that i have grown up with seems normal to me, i freeze when it comes to thinking of relationships down the line.
After i broke up with my fiance (WHAT A RELIEF
, i had a brief relationship with another man, who was lovely -- really, really kind to me and unbelievably helpful in giving me back some confidence. But i left the city he's in (he also has a bunch of issues that made me wary of getting too much more involved) We are still friends and email back and forth -- he is still helpful, but i just never know what to make of it when he doesn't write for a while. It's v difficult to know if i'm tripping and being overneedy or if he's doing the distancing/withholding thing ...
This brings me to the real reason for posting this -- part of our (my) adjustment as ACONs is, i think, getting back in touch with our emotions, as well as 'normal' emotions, 'normal' relationships. I read the posts of people with 'normal' significant others in wonder and awe. At this point, i doubt my ability to recognize what's normal, whether in me or in someone else.
SO, in the hopes of being helpful, i thought i would post a link i just found
on emotional intelligence --
http://eqi.org/index.htmI believe that, given the tips and direction, I can build up the skills to conduct 'normal' relationships and not fall back into the traps of Ns and other parasitic people.
I would love to hear if people think this is the way forward, out of our horrors, sadness, isolation and towards a place where our lives are full of people who leave us relaxed, not stressed or drained.
Lots of love to all
Atiya
