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Captain's Log - 2024

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Hopalong:
Sounds like one of those crunch times, Amber.
And sounds like you're navigating it well.

Keeping track of Hol and S and B is a lot.

For me, lazy and anxious, every day is Sunday. Barring some appointments.
Despite my own busier activities, I feel retirement in my bones and am so grateful for that freedom.

I think it's because I spent so many many years working for da man.

I think if you didn't find joy, as Lighter does, in complex, long-term projects and preparations, you would be living in a condo somewhere, disconnected from nature, not enjoying your compound/studio/gardens dreams.

As long as they bring joy they are probably extending your life.

But how many "loads" does B have to go fetch before he fully lives with you?

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Hops, I don't pay very close attention to what everyone else is doing or when - or I wouldn't be able to do a thing myself! Sometimes, they work together... and sometimes one will work with me... to make a job shorter.

B does things "like I do" - his way. So I can trust him to ride off & do. Hol is KINDA learning about how collaboration works now... so I'm forgiving when she does "her way" because it's "the best way". And of course, she makes a lot of assumptions that aren't accurate. As long as the end result is what we discussed, I just have to "give" leeway and let it be. B tends to do more when he works with Hol, than she would like - because she wants to do it herself, under supervision. And in a way, he has as much trouble saying things in a way she can understand - same as I do. We see it in our heads, but it just doesn't translate well, verbally.

We are just about out of open space - for the moment - for B to bring everything here all at once. And I have a hard time letting him out of my sight, because he forgets to eat and rest before he puts himself out of commission for a few days. Right now, his timetable is managed by his dr appts/tests etc. So, when he goes back to get another load - he's scrapping, trashing, selling things that he doesn't need or plan to use anymore. And that stuff takes more time than he has, before he has to be back. Yeah, appts can be changed - but without a functioning stimulator sans side effects - he doesn't want to push anything back. And he MUST be here for the pump fill. It's not like he can just go to Jiffy Lube and say "fill 'er up". LOL. Time, place, technician are all highly controlled for morphine and synthetic morphine. Also, 30 years in the same place - and closed businesses - has accumulated into a massive amount of "stuff". I know it's emotionally difficult to part with some things (I'm STILL working on that) and it's physically exhausting too.

So it takes him as long as it takes. He has been spending months at a time here and only going back for a month to pack up more stuff... he won't be able to bring the mill this return trip; too much weight to rush that. Too dangerous to half-ass it.

This doesn't trouble me AT ALL. And I kinda enjoy having a break from all the running around to appts.

Hopalong:
I get it. His trips back to get stuff give you a much needed break from it all.
I dunno if I could handle a FT relationship so can imagine how much adjusting you've done...even though you love him and love sharing your life. Sometimes it's gotta be Amber time.

Hope you enjoy it every day.

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Part of it, is my finally acquiring a sense of independence. B has taken on, without me even asking, a lot of the things I would normally do. Hol is also, stepping up and doing. That is very welcome, but then leaves me wondering what I'm good for sometimes. So, in those moments, I flail a bit. Being totally alone means I can breathe into the relying just on myself space again.

B also sees/does the things that don't make it onto my radar priority list, but I know need to be addressed. So there really IS less on the list. But then, between these two people that i'm interacting with on THEIR schedule, sometimes I'm not seeking/getting my own quiet downtime. I've been working on that a couple different ways.

Lest any of this sound like a complaint or serious issue... it's just something I'm aware of and am dealing with. Yesterday was the first day I drove by myself in months! Because the jeep has smaller tires, it's not as easy to see now, pulling out on the highway... so I had a little anxiety over that. And remembered: so, roll the window down so you can HEAR too... breathe; be patient... and pounce on the accelerator when you DO pull out. This old lady still throws gravel - LOL.

lighter:
You sound so good, Amber! 

Paying attention to your needs and time spent with others/spent alone to recharge.

You're restoring balance....
no. 

You're mindfully crafting balance in your life.

I hope it feels empowering for you.  It's ok to not know the shape of things all the time.

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