Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Captain's Log - 2024

<< < (8/27) > >>

Hopalong:
I often think about how I get the most distressed when somebody I care about is affected by something I have struggled with in myself (too many times).  I think what you said to her is the unvarnished truth. But has she gone to therapy to place this deep struggle within where it belongs? Or is she gravitating back into the familiarity of fight with and/or blame my mother because that takes my mind off the work I have to do on me.

What would happen within you, not Hol, if you rewrite this to be about you, not Hol?

if you're NOT trying to control her behavior and yet after 5 years you think she will still change to suit you, then all you end up with is the same misery...

I don't think I've ever heard you in more misery and emotional pain than back a ways, when you struggled with her over and over and over. At the same time, it devolved into big fights and her disrespect, entitledness and expectations and (NOT my favorite) blame of you. Anything she could throw at you or the wall, because she couldn't face herself when she repeatedly turned it into YOUR problem.

Dunno if I expressed this very clearly, but it instantly jumped out at me. Hol can blame you, blame S, fight with you, fight with S, but as long as either Hol OR you are wrapped up in the blame-fight-react trap you've been in before, no change will happen.

IMO, it's completely HER problem, and this is that old cycle of you becoming therapist and winding up sucking mud yourself. I don't fear it's going to be a long cycle this time...you have learned so much by learning to step back. And GOOD for you for recognizing it more quickly this time. Made me happy (at first) to read this:

I think I'm going to stop being so available to her microscopic detail pseudo-analysis sessions. We have LOTS of farm stuff to talk about and do. But those conversations are consistently hijacked for the same hamster-wheel loop.

I desperately need a break from it.

Maybe it's going to take a pretty simple conversation with Hol, soon. Ex: "You know I love you and get hooked by your distress. I've learned that it's really not good for me to climb into conversations about you and S. A good therapist, even online, is what can help you -- and I hope you'll find one. But I'm gong to steer clear of these analysis sessions, because they wind up damaging both of us. Love you." Sumpin' like that.

Too much advice from me today, as I majored in doing all the unhealthy things I could see so clearly in others. Draining, exhausting and painful. In one relationship, with Poet, we've actually gotten to the miraculous stage where we monitor ourselves for unsolicited advice-giving. I'm better at it now, and when she is highly distressed or agitated about something (usually her partner) have reduced myself to saying sympathetically, "Gosh. What do you think you're going to do?" and then shoving a metaphorical sock in my mouth.

What do you think you're going to do?

hugs
Hops

sKePTiKal:
Oh... it's not as if she REALLY BELIEVES the blame is mine Hops. Things get said in the heat of the moment and I know they're rubbish; and they still hurt. Apologies often follow.

And I'm pretty restrained on the advice side of things - only SHE can make those decisions. But she is a verbal processor and MUST talk out all the stuff in her head. My job is to just listen and when she poses a question, my usual preface is that it's what I think; what I do; what my opinion is. All of that is "take it or leave it", doesn't matter to me except for expressing my wish to not see her cycle back into the same misery trap over & over.

It's been an insanely frantic morning here; with deliveries and moving studio stuff. I'm just having a bit of a sit down before I go run some necessary errands.

OH... and next week, Hol's drainage issues will be amended and we'll get 14 dump truck loads of gravel on the drive. It's 2-3 miles long. VERY nice young man with his own company and Hol's eyes lit up like lighthouse beacons meeting him. Said he was very cute but likely too young for her to chase; she noticed he didn't have a ring on - which for tradesmen is just a way to protect their hands. We giggled silly giggles over how smitten she was. He on the other hand, was very professional and all business. Liked having what he calls an easy job.

She has another friend here helping to move a sofa from the studio that's going to auction. And another will be coming out to complete the greenhouse with her. So, she's already replacing S, practically speaking. Oh, and the ladies will be here for Walpurgisnacht... altho S will be noticeably absent; AGAIN.

So YEAH, Hol's been driving herself nutz being way too much in her head. It's good to see her moving/doing again. Fingers crossed her situation resolves one way or another without me.

lighter:
Two phrases come to mind, regarding Hol.

"What are you gonna do about that?"

and ....
"Let me know how that works out for you."

Not saying it's easy to stay mum when a child is struggling.  Just saying it takes us out of the equation if we (yes, the royal, Hops) step out of the way so all the child sees is themself with nothing else to push against besides their issues.

You can't solve Hol's problems, Amber and I know you know that.

You aren't abandoning her if you allow her to have her problems fully, on her own, IME.  You're opening up space for her to identify options and realize her power, IMo. 

I think that hits people hard .... that helpful chemical dump accompanying the realization no one will save us, so we better save ourselves, IME.

Really feeling the responsibility settle on one's shoulders, bc no one else is stepping up to carry an ounce of it feels......
very real, IME. 

Sobering.....focused..... seriously in need of resolution.

It's raining here now and I want to check on all the new transplants.  I hope you find joy and focus on your stuff, Amber. 

I'm trying to take my own advice regarding a struggling  DD today.  I've been distracted....changing travel plans ...trying to position myself, but it's not easy.

And so....into the rain I go, hoping peace and clarity fill and keep me calm.....at a flexible, but consistent distance so DD finds she can trust and count on herself. 

The journey continues.

Lighter

sKePTiKal:
In this episode of the young(ish) and anxious...

Holly's drama factory has spawned yet another "threat" to worry about. An old friend who's actively turned threatening and refusing to accept her rejection of his persistent advances. Both B and I have offered her practical steps to take to protect herself. She may call another friend of hers, who has strong law enforcement contacts. This is on top of the S issues, trying to maintain a social life and getting things done in the studio, plants in the ground, dogs cared for.

I think she's pushing herself to a breaking point. I haven't seen her actually RELAX in weeks. And she's nitpickingly critical - and desperately clinging to trying to control for every variable in the universe while holding herself blameless. To the point of hurting my feelings pretty intensely a couple days ago. Despite her claims to the contrary, I think she's completely losing her shit. Hopefully, it's just temporary.

I'm hanging in there - but have been VERY busy what with deliveries, swapping items in the studio, planning/ordering and trying to cope with her verbal processing sessions. But my list of to-dos is only growing as the mountain turns green... the house needs to continue getting a spring clean... and I need to remember to eat. New contractor is supposed to start today - he promised; he said he's be here Monday and I have a job that NEEDS to get done that will interfere with his work.

I got a LOVELY assortment of more medicinal herb plants from Richter's (in Canada) again. I really need to get them in the ground and start working outside while Hol finishes the ceiling. First batch of seeds needs tending today, finish laundry... start working on beds & plant the onions/garlic. I'm late getting those in but it's been wet and I even got chilly enough I had a fire going a week ago.

SO busy this time of year! I'm trying to stay focused on the to-dos and NOT navel-gaze over the same ground that HAS solutions but no one seems to want to go there. So, I'm going to carve out my own path and let Hol flail a bit more. FFS, she's old enough to be able to sort all this out and take care of herself better than this. She doesn't need a mommy. She knows this - and despite me shifting out of that mode, to more friend mode of interaction - anything I say or do for her CAN trigger a resentment reaction.

B has his own drama factory "back at the ranch". He said he's packing light and leaving as soon as he can for the next month's appts. We aren't talking as much as either of us likes. But the connection is still strong and clear. He's definitely a rock... with feelings too! LOL. A rare gem.

sKePTiKal:
Well now, the mysteries are cleared up.

S invited Hol down to see a movie and go to dinner, Sunday while I kept two of the dogs; she brought Beeb home for a vet appt this week. Monday early, she texted she was on her way back - way early for a "romantic overnight" ya know. One look at her face, and I knew what happened. I'd actually had a premonition of it too.

He has a new hiking "friend" - M - that he wants to pursue more of a friends with benefits situation with. But he ALSO wants to come out & spend the same quality of time here with Hol, that he has for 5 years. Hol understands somewhat the "non-manogamous" lifestyle, intellectually. But clearly, she's not cut out for that and wants an engaged, active partner. Good thing we're under a burn ban still or she woulda had a huge bonfire already.

I think she understands now, about her choice Lighter. She spent 6 hrs with me yesterday verbally processing all her feelings and beginning to wrap her head around this. She is still having to guess at just what S really wants, and is hanging onto the POSSIBILITY (however slim) that he'll come dragging himself back here, a changed man. She knows it's a longshot. He's told her he isn't happy here - feels lazy & incompetent. She insists he's the only one who can change that. He said she isn't "fun" - because she's working herself to death on the projects she wants to develop out here. Likes sharing that with her friends. I don't think he's on the friend list even, any more - despite her claims otherwise. She understands she's been used as a stepping stone to his "new life".

So, this morning she's in a whole new world and has an opportunity to not make the same mistakes again. Thing is, he sold her on essential green man, homesteader lifestyle - only to wind up in a basement apartment in the DC suburbs. Not even enough yard for his dog. He made a lot noise signifying nothing REAL about his ability or desire to actually make the effort required. He just wants to surf from one temporary hedonistic high to another with no accountability. I don't find this a redeeming characteristic - especially as judgemental as he is about others. (He's still afraid of B - despite how much B has helped out & fixed the things S broke.) Hol is still insisting that S is a good person... sigh. If he is such a good person, why didn't care enough about what SHE was feeling and needing help with?

Whatever. OPPs. But I think she's past the stage where the facts were smacking in the face to the point that she now has to corral some of her feelings into a new direction. She does need to come to terms with her hopelessness about meeting someone new and better suited. And the tendency to blame herself (where does she get that, I wonder?) for why he couldn't/wouldn't do more.

We have a little bit of priming left to do in the studio, then we can start painting. Work is good for her. Contractor's are about done with driveway; much nicer than the neglected country road in TO the driveway. Most of the cabinet stuff is here now. Custom cabinets won't be ready till June.

Contractor is here, checking progress. Maybe getting his check too. Didn't take the whole 5 days he estimated. We're definitely offering him a couple more jobs! All veterans and they don't dilly-dally.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page