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Captain's Log - 2024

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sKePTiKal:
So, B & I are still in a holding pattern with the docs. He hasn't said anything, so probably hasn't heard anything about insurance approval to test a different location for the stimulator leads. This means he has good days and bad, bad days. When he has bad days, he tends to use anger for the adrenalin kick it provides, to get him through the day. It is either a holiday or very very rarely, that he takes a day off to do absolutely nothing. He usually gives me fair warning, about his outbursts of anger - because, if he blindsides me he's not overly fond of my instant mirror-reaction. He's learned that lesson, I think.

This is a problem of "gentle souls" in this world, I think. They adjust, adapt & put up with life's slings & arrows till they're pushed past that amount of tolerance - and then they flip into anger. Hol has the same issue, but is handling hers a bit differently. The two of them, have butted heads when in the same mode, however. That didn't end too well as they've put some unnecessary distance between themselves and are communicating awkwardly again. It will take some time to mend that; C is helping - he and B have motorcycles in common.

And I think in some ways, this is a time when many of us (at least here on the farm) are struggling yet again with the old traditional archetypal patterns that define roles and how we manifest those. Between Hol and I, there is still good communication - but there is also something new coming from her. Sort of a pulling away; separating off into her own llfe. Which I WANT her to do. She keeps adjusting boundaries, while she's figuring this out. Sometimes, it's awkward but we're able to talk through it. She needs to have her own life, so I can have mine. I can't be her constant go-to for company if she's not content being on her own. She is learning how to enjoy solitude - but it's not her natural habitat. I don't think she'll ever be comfortable with a steady diet of it, either. But for me, it's massively therapeutic and beneficial. She has a hard time seeing how that's nutritious for me, when it definitely isn't for her.

C is still kind of an unknown to me. I have spent some time talking to him; getting to know him because he's way more socially skilled than S. He's done a lot of travelling - which Hol wants to do more of. They're making semi-serious plans. He's educated and seems to fit the profile of "digital nomad", although he's committed to rehabbing a house he bought just 1/2 hr north of our county seat. That kind of work is also right up Hol's alley and she thrives on being helpful and useful. He talks a mile a minute - which exhausts me but is a good chance for me to practice feeling confident and solid in my personal space; not feeling pushed. It's perfect for Hol as her quick wit & silliness can riff off his words in an instant. At least he has some dreams, ambition, and skills that he likes to be creative with in his own life! Something not seen at all, in S. She is still letting go of that slowly; sort of by attrition.

She's said that she's not creating any narrative or defining this new relationship. She is still a little gunshy after the back to back disappointments of the last two relationships. So, staying solid in herself. And she knows I'm not going anywhere... LOL. Stick in the mud mom!

I'm not noticing being a homebody means I'm at a loss for something to do! There is PLENTY to do around here, all the time and honestly, I have to call "we're not going anywhere these days" with B. Otherwise we'd be running hither & yon for this part or supplies, to nose around flea markets or farmer's markets. or for med appts. And then, there are the days/weeks he's got his mind on a project and he hardly comes up for air. I'm just goin' with the flow these days.

Two more cabinets are here for the studio. Cody helped get them upstairs. My custom made work cabinets should be done soon, too. So I can actually put things AWAY. And we can experiment with furniture layout. My sewing cabinet has been unboxed upstairs so I can start putting that together. Maybe Knuckles & I can do that today. Get started anyway. Hol hates these "ready to assemble" things, but she did get the 4 barstools done. I have a repair to do on the arm of her old couch (she collects them) - this will be a bit of a challenge. And I have trim still to cut for the new windows. She still has quarter round to cut for baseboards, but we need to also pull up/replace a couple of floor boards. Then it's just the fun decorating stuff.  (Like installing the glass shelves over the sink.) In that room. We have to demo the shower in the tiny bath: then move plumbing and probably drywall again. Vanity is already here, but I can shop for a mirror. Maybe. I have a pretty good sized one - repurposed from another project - that would fit that space, if I can perhaps find a frame. And I'm still considering wall paper in there. Something sorta toile-reminiscent... it's pen & ink linework - roses with skulls intertwined in an optical illusion. Overall pattern. It's just too perfect for that space and where I'm going with the whole space, but it's totally extravagant cost-wise.

The forecast is for a 50-50 chance of rain the next couple days. We REALLY need it. Spring was overly cool & wet - even with grow lights, my seeds did poorly till May. After Memorial Day, the drought set in with a vengence and even my herbs are looking sad. They are difficult to water being spread all over the place in the rocks. I guess I'll see what survives winter - and go from there.

Can you guess I'm looking forward to fall? I'm so over this heat & drought it's nowhere NEAR funny. And I'm getting tired of not having the studio "done" enough to at least stay in the A/C and sew. Had a historical project I was ready to start - just as Hol started pushing on the drywall. SIGH. We have different internal timetables, too.

No idea what I'll actually get up to, today.

lighter:
Amber:  I nodded through much of your post as youngest DD is learning to feel secure in solitude, the heat is kicking me hard and projects are stuttering forward,stalling and starting again.

My 4 little Thai Basil plants are thriving, but I didn't start them from seed.  Our fruiting plants are very sad .. a second blueberry bush died.  Bless your energy and interest in growing your own food and apothecary.  I recognize it, but it's distant.

As for fall getting here, I'm with you.  I can't wait, even though it means hours of fending leaves off the moss.  I'll take it over this wilting heat.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Skep I think the only thing I would do if I were cleaning naked would be to put a warning notice up to prevent trauma to others :)  Lol, I think I might be careful with products as well, not sure I'd want to get bleach splashed on my hoo haa :)  Lol I can only imagine heat now, it's rare for me to take my cardigan off these days :)

I think the thing that makes me angry about health related nightmares (such as B's and I know so many other people) is I think what the bleep is the point of us being lucky enough to have options and knowledge and surgery capabilities and all the rest of it and then making it so difficult for people to access it.  So many years he's been dealing with this now and still it's all up in the air.  Crazy situation.  I think it must help in some way that he's not dealing with it all alone though, stoical as he is, it does help with someone on your side.

sKePTiKal:
Tupp, he still thanks me for going to appts with him. No one's ever done that before. After the first surgery, driving back he was still coming up from anasthesia and had been given a pain killer. He was babblingly effusive about how much it meant to him that I went with and stayed to bring him back home. I sense that for whatever reason, none of his family or partners gave much of a damn about him - and refused to even have normal human compassion and consideration for him. Holly drove for the second surgery and so, she got his focus that time. Poor guy was pretty out of it.

It's good that I go, because sometimes he doesn't hear things correctly - or it triggers emotions from a past experience. Sometimes he forgets to ask important things or can't remember times/dates/incidents of concern.

So, having someone demonstrate CARE for him seems to be a new experience. That definitely colors our "relationship" a little differently. And my old resistence to allowing someone to take care of me has poked through a couple times, too. So we TRY, we make mistakes, we talk about it... and try again. Same way Hol has approached a couple faux pas with him, too. It kinda freaks him out that we don't just cuss him & then blame him for everything and make him miserable.

Heat is still around Lighter. They're promising a cool down but I'm not seeing my "comfort zone" in sight yet. We finally got a good rain last night and the resulting humidity is "different". LOL. Studio progress is happening again - I'm in the midst of deciphering how to put my sewing cabinet together - and have to back up 4-5 steps and reverse one panel. Also have to patiently correct an issue on the hydraulic machine lift. My storage cabinets will be done next week, then he'll bring them out. We've got to finish the baseboard on that side before then and Hol has been going bonkers with projects at her place.

Contractor will be out next week to finish her equipment shed & the gate opener; her friend is here helping her terrace her back hill, so it's plantable and stable - usable dirt in other words. (He's an absolute blast to be around too.) So I should have plenty of alone time to get stuff done in studio. When the cabs are here, I can FINALLY put all my "junk" away. We're getting down to phase 2 pretty quick - demo'ing the bathroom. Then I'll be able to work this winter out there. I'll concentrate on garden NEXT year. The conditions were just too insurmountable this year. Fingers crossed my herbs make it.

lighter:
You've had big projects going nonstop, Amber.  As you finish up, one after er another, time will expand for gardening and time in the studio.

I keep thinking the same will happen for me....and it will.  There's so many wee small things requiring attention and I couldn't see them till the larger projects were finished.

So many small things. They add up to another big thing and will there ever not be a list?

I'm contemplating the lists, what's mine, what's important and what I'd rather pick up.  What do I have to put down in order to....
have order and more choice?

Lighter

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