Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Checking In
sKePTiKal:
I hoped to get back to you sooner with some of my thoughts on this relational "phenomenon" Tupp. But I've been SUPER busy this week (beyond my comfort zone busy). I may not say this bit, all that coherently, as a result but here goes nothin'.
When we were small, and lived in abusive unpleasant times... we learned that by caretaking adults around us, sometimes it saved us from the brunt of the worst experiences. I even see the little kitties doing this behavior. It works often enough to become a conditioned response. A coping mechanism. And depending on how deeply we internalized it, becomes part of our outward facing "persona".
Other people did the same thing when they were young - but situationally, things were different and they developed other conditioned responses. They obtained the safety they wanted by being bullies, or being "sick", etc different approaches. And there is some sort of primal attraction between the different types - a dysfunctional "utility" that keeps people stuck in those kinds of transactional relationships. (For one thing, it feels "normal" because the behavior is so old and engraved on their persona.)
To act differently than the conditioned behavior is UNcomfortable and feels fake or mask-like... even when our inner voices (instincts) and deepest feelings are telling us that providing a different behavior is EXACTLY what we should do. The new behavior doesn't feel like "us"; doesn't feel authentic or genuine (even though it's more authentic than the conditioned one). That's merely a different familiarity; habit.
Practicing - like you're doing - is probably the fastest & easiest way to break the old habit. Sometimes, we screw up but that's OK; we're learning from the screw ups. And trying again the "next time", we'll remember what we learned.
Does that make any sense to you? There is other language I can use to describe this but the "mechanical process" seemed like a good starting point. The other styles get into less concrete examples; more philosophical, emotional, spiritual stuff... but the process is still the same and we risk misunderstanding more, when using the other styles of language. There's more room for personal interpretation... and sometimes there is an AHA synchronicity of understanding that feels truly good... but we humans are a tad psychologically complex and it's just not as simple as a "how things work" explanation!
I see you making a great leap forward in your work now. You're applying it to real life situations and getting good results. However you think/speak of this is definitely working for you!
"Real life" is trying even in the calmest most settled of times. We (globally) aren't living in settled times. I occasionally see some of the strongest sanest people completely lose their cheese off their cracker these days. And some days, that's me too. It's not a lot of times, but I have had to take some things off my plate lately, when I'm feeling overwhelmed and like life issues are piling on. First thing to go for me, is always "OPPs" - other people's problems. When I get grounded again, then I re-engage.
Twoapenny:
Yes, that's exactly it, Skep, it's like trying not to blink. It's so much a part of who you are and what you do that not doing it feels as difficult as not blinking. I find it very hard to say, "let me know how that works out for you", partly because I feel it's very passive aggressive and I hear it as "I couldn't give a s**t, I don't care what happens to you, don't bore me with your problems". I don't feel it's a phrase that really works for me - although at the same time I sometimes feel I'm being manipulated by people who prefer to be 'helpless' in their situations. I did keep saying to myself, "I don't have to fix this' and that helped. It's just mad to me when there are relatively simple things that would help a bit (I know because I do them myself and for most people it's common sense). Little steps, keep practising, one day it will be easier! Lol. I hope your busy week has calmed down a bit now x
lighter:
Whoo boy..... I'm re reading recent posts on this thread.......trying not to blink.
Lighter
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: lighter on October 13, 2024, 11:28:32 AM ---Whoo boy..... I'm re reading recent posts on this thread.......trying not to blink.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, I hope you're doing okay. Is there any sense of normality creeping back in yet? I hope there's some level of function now with the very basics covered, at least.
I've pondered some more (in fact I keep waking up in the night with it all going round in my brain) and I think I did write a post a while back about me selecting people who don't cope because I feel inferior to people who've got their s**t together. I can't remember if I actually wrote it or just thought it, but it makes sense to me. I am trying very hard to focus on my stuff and not be derailed by the need to rescue others.
We did have a really lovely experience last week. My son started a new social group and watching him go in, shake everyone's hands, introduce himself and throw himself into the activities, without needing any prompting or support from me to do it, was a real testament to the well adjusted, confident man he's grown in to. We spent so many years at home because socialising was such a nightmare, and when we did do it, it had to be really carefully managed. So to see him go in, settle down straight away and really enjoy himself, was really lovely. He was buzzing when he came out, really happy and content. It was amazing to see and has made me feel very hopeful for the future. I told him at the weekend that I was very proud of the man he's become, and that I really admired all the difficult experiences he'd had through childhood and how he'd worked through them. He blushed, it was so cute (but I can't say he's cute because it annoys him lol). We've got a really good life now, for all sorts of different reasons but him thriving - despite the best efforts of many to thwart that - is a real balm.
lighter:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on October 14, 2024, 06:26:08 AM ---
--- Quote from: lighter on October 13, 2024, 11:28:32 AM ---Whoo boy..... I'm re reading recent posts on this thread.......trying not to blink.
Lighter
--- End quote ---
Lighter, I hope you're doing okay. Is there any sense of normality creeping back in yet? I hope there's some level of function now with the very basics covered, at least.
No, Tupp. In fact I'm overwhelmed with the likely clogged aerators in bathroom sinks and mud in water heater and whatever fresh hell is possibly waiting back home.
I know there's a ton of debris and some glass in yard and driveway and roof, a long with damaged gutters, for certain. I posted about feeling dizzy on another thread and I
hope it stops, completely, very soon. It's much better, but adding to dismay over hurricane wreckage and lives, homes and infrastructure lost.
I've pondered some more (in fact I keep waking up in the night with it all going round in my brain) and I think I did write a post a while back about me selecting people who don't cope because I feel inferior to people who've got their s**t together. I can't remember if I actually wrote it or just thought it, but it makes sense to me. I am trying very hard to focus on my stuff and not be derailed by the need to rescue others.
I think I have done understanding, in my own way, of what you're going through with this.
We did have a really lovely experience last week. My son started a new social group and watching him go in, shake everyone's hands, introduce himself and throw himself into the activities, without needing any prompting or support from me to do it, was a real testament to the well adjusted, confident man he's grown in to. We spent so many years at home because socialising was such a nightmare, and when we did do it, it had to be really carefully managed. So to see him go in, settle down straight away and really enjoy himself, was really lovely. He was buzzing when he came out, really happy and content. It was amazing to see and has made me feel very hopeful for the future. I told him at the weekend that I was very proud of the man he's become, and that I really admired all the difficult experiences he'd had through childhood and how he'd worked through them. He blushed, it was so cute (but I can't say he's cute because it annoys him lol). We've got a really good life now, for all sorts of different reasons but him thriving - despite the best efforts of many to thwart that - is a real balm.
--- End quote ---
That's an amazing and hopeful day for you and son, (((Tupp.))). It's releasing happy chemicals just to read it🥰
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version