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Hopalong:
I think I've loved Son from afar for ages, Tupp.
Otherwise, how to explain the tears that leapt after reading that account?
I feel so awed by him, and you, whose love and determination have made his life so good and his future so hopeful.
I was SO happy to read that! And again, awed. What you have done with heroic effort for so long for Son is the kind of life work that will never make the news. But oh it should.
hugs and respect,
Hops
Twoapenny:
(((((((Lighter)))))))))) I'm not surprised you're overwhelmed - just reading the list felt overwhelming to me, so to experience it along with dizziness, long term problems to sort and general despair and difficulty all around - I can't even imagine. All I can say is I hope that the to do list starts to feel more manageable and that as other folks lives start to settle more if all feels less overwhelming. If I could sweep in on my broom stick to fetch and carry and sweep up, I would do so xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on October 14, 2024, 02:37:25 PM ---I think I've loved Son from afar for ages, Tupp.
Otherwise, how to explain the tears that leapt after reading that account?
I feel so awed by him, and you, whose love and determination have made his life so good and his future so hopeful.
I was SO happy to read that! And again, awed. What you have done with heroic effort for so long for Son is the kind of life work that will never make the news. But oh it should.
hugs and respect,
Hops
--- End quote ---
Aw, thanks, Hops. I must admit I am really enjoying see the fruits of all those years of work showing themselves in how he is and the things he can manage now. Really feels like we've got to a good point in life. We met loads of people when we were away the other week and he chatted away to them, it's so different to some of his peers who, unfortunately, were so badly bullied in school and have been made to do things that they weren't ready to do, that they don't talk to anyone they don't know and won't go anywhere without a parent. One of the mums I know still can't leave her son with anyone else and he's in his thirties. I think the system fails them so badly, and I'm very grateful that I saw it early on and got him out. I'm very lucky. Not least because we've had unusually warm weather the last few days and I was gardening in a T shirt yesterday :) Lol x
Twoapenny:
I'm having very vivid dreams that my mum has died and I'm in her house. It's weird that after all this time I can see every detail of her home in such detail, I know where everything is and I feel that horrible tense feeling that was always present. It's so vivid that when I wake up I have a few moments of not being sure where I am This morning I turned the wrong way out of my bedroom and instead of heading for my bathroom, I took two steps toward where her bathroom would be before realising I'm not there.
There is nowhere else I would feel I could say this, but I am looking forward to her passing. When I think of it, I feel such a sense of relief and an unsnapping of chains, even though I've had so little contact with her for so many years now. I still feel this malefic presence around me when I think of her. I feel enormously sad that all I have with my mum is a sense of wishing she were gone. I feel angry at her stupidity for doing such terrible things to people who loved her, when what she wanted so desperately was to be loved. She had everything she wanted, and she harmed us all again and again until we all turned away. I still struggle to see how anyone can be in that situation and not, at some point, wonder if they were doing something wrong and seek help from a therapist or some sort of self help situation. Truly baffling.
Anyhoo. It is not a problem, more just an observation. I'm trying very hard to stick to a daily routine. I am seeing some improvements in sleep and energy, despite the vivid dreaming. We are having incredible weather at the minute, which I love. I have lost a bit of weight. Son and I have got into a better routine at home so the house and garden are coming together (and nothing in the garden is growing now, which is a relief. The plan is to prune to buggery over the winter, get the broken fence replaced and then hopefully all will be easier to maintain through next spring/summer.
Hopalong:
Oh Tupp, I completely understand and think your anticipation of your mother's death is not malevolent or macabre -- it's just honest. That's your very great gift, imo, the ability to see yourself and own and describe clearly what you think and feel.
And in the circumstances you were raised in, I'd have the exact same feeling of waiting for the sun. I felt the same way about Nmom, after that decade. She took all she could from me in terms of attention and compassion, and there was nothing left. With my D, I began to see even more clearly how this had been my pattern all along.
Now I'm more self-centered, but not with selfishness as much as seeing that my life will go all the way off the rails if I don't allow myself to be that real.
I've respected your compassion and lamented your lasting link, just as I did my own for a while. But in the year before her death my path cleared up, and I just admitted completely that I needed to be free of her, and knew her death would be a relief. It was. Immediately. I hope you'll truly feel that release and let her float off.
My SNbro's and D's attacks during the two years after made it harder, but it wasn't about grief for her, though there are moments I can experience that and feel...warm. It wasn't that I coldn't feel anyting tender for her ever, it was just that you can't heat and keep flattening a pancake so hard it becomes sealed to the pan. Then it just can't nourish you, and becomes hard scrapings. Inedible.
You've done a brilliant and very mindful job for years of unpicking the too-tight threads of that bond, imo. And now you're truly attentive to nourishing your own spirit, and son's. As it should be. There will be some genuine sadness, but I think you've already experienced the complicated version of grief, and have now made room for simple peace.
hugs,
Hops
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