Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Checking In

<< < (4/25) > >>

sKePTiKal:
What are your plans for the mum paperwork, when you're done reviewing & sorting Tupp?

Twoapenny:
No plans for that, Skep.  My original intention was to sort through the paperwork with a view to putting together a document regarding my son, so that all the useful and necessary information is in one place, easy to read and simple to use.  So my plan was to scan documents, then pick out what was most useful and relevant and put that information in one document, with a link to the original so it's easy to find if needed (I'm thinking if I get hit by a bus scenario because no-one's going to wade through hundreds of pieces of paper looking for specific details and likely a lot of important stuff will get overlooked.

The mum paperwork was an unexpected side effect of that; I'd honestly thought all this time that almost all of the paperwork was relevant to my son but it's now clear that's not the case.  So I'm sticking to my original remit and working through what I need for him and getting that put together.  Everything else is put to one side for now; I'll deal with it when I feel the time is right for me.  She's not dictating anything anymore and all the stuff that's connected to her can wait until I've done everything I want to do.  It's just been a nice feeling for it to become clear that there is really something very wrong with her  At times I've thought it more personality clash, she's a product of her environment type of thing.  But going through it from the beginning, in a calm, non-stressed situation (ie not fighting a bunch of malicious allegations) it's clear that there's something about her that's unhinged and she's way beyond 'difficult'.  So for not I'm enjoying how easy a scanner makes everything to do; I can search for specific words, phrases and dates, cut and paste what I need into the new document, insert a link to the original document and then just press save.  Next step is the shredder :)  Lol

lighter:
Hi, Tupp:  Sorry you're still going through boxes and trying to put together a cohesive document with every important THING in one place. I understand how imperative that feels, esp for you with your darling boy. 

It's good you and your sister are connecting.  I don't understand why the chit chat is so upsetting and the deeper stuff brings calm communication, but I'm glad that's brought some peace.

As for your mum's protective parts........I'm reminded of Mud's words......"There's no making sense of nonsensical PD behaviors that will never make sense."  I'm paraphrasing, but there's a bit of peace in there.  Whatever drives your mother... whatever fears and shame and installed software bounces around her head, it makes her dangerous to those who venture near,. IME.

I was reminded how powerful inner belief systems are when you posted you believe your mother's motives are likely about herself and nothing to do with you..... but for years your fears about your abilities and mental health kicked in and you assumed her motives were about saving or helping your son. 

My T said toxic words and attacks from others have zero power over us UNLESS we buy into them, even a speck's worth.  I have to assume someone put fear and shame in your child/mother's software and she's spent a lifetime lashing out to prove it isn't HER with problems.... so it has to be everyone else, right?

Your mum had no ability to self reflect.... her damaged/protective inner children believe they won't survive that, IME.  Her disordered thinking compounded and built on itself..... landed on you and your sister and children.

 Your protective and wounded parts believe everthing is YOUR fault..... on some level.... and that makes it easier for you to self reflect and see what's really there.  You're growing and educating yourself.  You're restoring choice and healing generational trauma.I'm not even gonna pronounce that a triumph..... I'm gonna suspend all judgment and let it be what it is. 

Your mother's protective and wounded parts believe everything is someone eles's fault.  She's manufactured a lifetime of false narratives around herself... and I agree with you..... it's all about her.  Nothing to do with you or your son or sister.

Writing that out helps me make peace with difficult things I wrestle with, Tupp.

It helps me release judgment.... more easily....more quickly..... sometimes skip it entirely... and that's turning out to be an important shortcut.

As for the people who believe the PD lies and don't do their jobs..... I've put myself in their shoes, mentally, many times.  It's circular and there are no easy fixes for PDs telling outrageous lies with sincerity and false motives.  I'd be overwhelmed completely in those jobs. 

As long as there's lack of training, education in mental health and abuse.... as long as the pay is low and the demands overwhelming and impossible to meet.... as long as there's lack of accountability and compassion, esp at the top...... this is the reality for people dealing with and stuck in the systems, IME. 

And.... the wounded and protective parts of people working in the system are the easiest to manipulate, IME. 

If I get some distance on it...... I see there are far more people who aren't buying into the PD craziness...... but it's difficult to SEE, bc disproving the PD crazy ATE YEARS OF MY LIFE.  Ate the years I should have been building fairy houses in the woods with my girls.... ate them WHOLE.

Lighter



   

Hopalong:
Tupp...hon....

I'll just assert something that went GONNNGGGG in my head as I tried to catch up with the thread. (I don't know if it's insight or I've just made it up, but sometimes a thought hits in a certain way.)

I think it's possible that the main reason you were targeted by your broken mother is that she was unconsciously jealous of your stepfather's fixation on you. I started realizing that a lot of what was broken between my mother and me was her discomfort at my closeness to my father (and she was a child of a male abuser). Your stepfather was twisted and evil, but that was attention that you got, and any you got, she didn't. Once he turned his sick attention on you, she was no longer the big magnet at the center of everything. She lost a mjor form of power when he began to abuse you. (And of course you did NOT want his attention, ever.)

I don't know that your mother knew this was happening in her psyche, but I saw some version of that in my Nmother -- didn't understand it for most of my life, until I knew what happened in her childhood. She never left us alone if she could help it, tried to control and dictate my relationship with him, acted threatened if I had lunch with him sometime without her, etc. It was constantly strange, but after I learned more about her childhood from my cousin, it started to fit.

Does that make any sense?

I hate thinking of you carrying around this mountain of documentation of HER craziness, and spending your precious time going through it all once again. But your plan sounds so clear -- winnow it to the core documentation about and for your Son. I hope you won't even re-read (because it sounds like re-experiencing) the mother crap. Maybe it's only her death that will help you let go of her.

I am so sorry you drew her for the mother card, and him for the monster card. But you've played your own game of life vrey well and there's nothing either of them could do now, nothing whatsoever in any shape or form or fantasy, to hurt you again.

And I wish we could all come to the paper bonfire.

hugs
Hops

Twoapenny:
Thanks, both :)  Do you know the funniest thing is, I haven't thought about it again.  Any of it.  It's like it just magicked away.  The paperwork will need to be shredded, I think that's safest.  There are companies that do it but I quite like the idea of doing it myself.  But I don't feel any need or desire to deal with it just now, it doesn't feel like a pressing or important job.
My mum's current saga is following its usual pattern of escalation, isn't it funny how the pattern is always the same?  But she can't see it.  And it looks like no-one is giving her the response she needs to carry on in her usual way, I think she's genuinely worn everyone out now.  I almost feel sorry for her; your long trusted coping mechanism (however destructive it may be) not working during what is probably genuinely the most difficult time is hard, we've all been there.  And in some ways I'm very glad I've learnt some of the hard lessons I have earlier on in life, I wouldn't like to have to face reality for the first time in my 80's.  But I honestly don't feel any need to rescue, analyse, ponder, I've almost not thought about her.  Not quite, but very nearly, and she's a whisper of a thought in my head instead of the bloody freight train she usually becomes.  Interestingly I've been less anxious in general.  Some of my anxiety based habits have lessened, not to the point of not being there at all but they've dropped from hard to resist compulsions to feelings of wanting that can be ignored.

So that's where we're at.  The paperwork is done, son's document is almost there, needs a few tweaks and some double checking in places but it's nearly finished.  Son has embarked on a huge clear out of toys, books, games, clothes and anything else that's been shored up in his room for many years.  We're selling what we can, giving away what isn't worth selling and keeping a track of the money coming in so he can see the money for his next adventure adding up :) Going away camping soon and then hopefully away at least one weekend a month throughout the summer.  The cat doesn't like being left and I feel mean taking him to the cattery but when we left him at home with a neighbour popping in we came home to a forest of dead mice upstairs and that was a grim task after a long car journey!  The house is looking good, the garden's looking good, the weather's nice.  Honestly feel like we haven't got a huge cloud hanging over us for the first time in a very long time and it's a good feeling :)

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page