Thanks, Hops. I think you have to be very careful who you say this sort of thing to, some people can't comprehend a loss being a relief in this way. I have some trepidation with regard to what she'll have arranged to cause problems after she's gone. I can't see her simply departing and am envisaging, at best, a horrible letter of some kind and at worst, some sort of divisive will designed to ensure the siblings fight and attack each other. It's not something I worry about but knowing what she's like, I am certain she'll have some sort of parting shot for us all. Sad but true.
I'm still trying to unpick the 'be good but not too good' message that seems to be very deeply entrenched in me. I' realising that she's done her best to remove the two people I loved the most from my life. She threw my dad out and tried repeatedly to get my son taken away from me. I think it's left me with a fear (albeit an irrational one) that anything good or that brings me joy will be taken away from me. It's funny but I was thinking back to childhood (loads of these little things are popping up at the moment) and I was thinking about how generous she always was at Christmas and birthdays - but how we never got what we actually wanted. It's weird but she'd spend a lot of money, but not buy us what we really wanted to have. You can't be ungrateful for presents but the point is to get the person something they want. So we'd always have this weird thing of, for example, a huge sack of presents under the tree, lots of nice stuff, but the one thing we really wanted wouldn't be there, even though it would have been cheaper. My aunt bought me a tape cassette of my favourite musician when I was young (showing my age now) and it's the one present I really remember, because I wanted it so much and I played it so many times that I wore it out. All these other things and that five pound gift was the one I really liked. I'm rambling, it feels like loose ends are being tied up. We must avoid inedible pancakes! Lol x
