Summer and long winters

[Meh]

I'm cold and listening to music.

Have got my father's address. I'm looking at it in Google maps. It's in a shit neighborhood in a city I don't like. He is in some low income housing. There's probably street gangs and junk there. I'm probably making too big a deal of the location. Also, I'm a bad driver and it's 45 minutes away. I slightly feel I should visit him before he dies or something.

Mostly so much time has passed that I don't quite have the emotional reaction to my father that I used to. Haven't seen him for over a decade.

My personal life is always a disaster. I mean I inherited crap.

Well, I don't NEED to drive there. Like my father wasn't really "there" when I needed "family" to be family-like.

Do I drive 45 minutes in neurotic-anxiety inducing traffic to visit him. Does it matter.

Also, he didn't teach me to drive when I was growing up. So the fact that I am afraid of driving in the city well he didn't help with that much.

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Earlier today I was on a farm road exploring. Fucking around I guess. Or just trying to see where I can get to and how far I can go while still avoiding the freeway. Not sure how much longer this freeway avoidance is going to go on for. I have to do something. My life is retarded.

So, a couple calfs came out of their barn and were on the road. They weren't really secured too well. Maybe the farmers don't care. Interesting roads with freaking barns right up on it. Tried to shoo the baby cows back in. A guy saw the cow in front of my car and when I got out he explained he forgot who owned that farm and he wasn't sure if they were around but he started knocking on doors and went into the dark barn. Better him than me. Farms are quaint, picturesque, nostalgic americana from a distance.. up close they're dirty and strange and they've got guard dogs. Too bad this one didn't have a herd dog. Anyhow. I found a lake to fish in. It's doubtful that I'm going to be fishing though... that is a string of prep, and I'd have to borrow a pole or something. Nah. I don't need to do it.
Massive distractions.
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I did absolutely fuck all last summer and the summer before. I just want to feel like I did some summer stuff. Something other than eating and shitting. Am I too much? Too cynical? Sorry.

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There's a concert I want to go see in a couple weeks. I've not been to a real concert in 5+ years? Not even sure.
It's in the city. It would be a long drive with me trying to avoid major traffic areas. Also, the tickets might sell out and it's outdoors. Sort of waiting for next week when I can start to get weather forecasts. Then there is the parking situations.

Just this week I had to have someone else help me get out of a parking spot.

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I've got shit I need to do. And I am getting stuff done but it's like at a snail's pace.

Now I'm just feeling upset. Weird relatives. Weird relationships.

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An old co-worker came up last weekend. I took her on a mini roadtrip. I think it was a bit much for both of us but the day turned out perfect like really no problems. Weather was sunny and then cooled down enough to be comfortable. Saw mountains, saw ocean, saw sunrise. I'll admit that natural beauty seems to content me more than other people. I did arrange for us to see a couple small live music things. I think she liked it. I also think she was simultaneously unimpressed. She isn't outdoorsy I guess. And I couldn't care less about shopping for trinkets.

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I've spent most of my week thinking about where I can go. I've been like a caged animal for not just the winter but I also barely did anything when I lived in the city.

I hate the city. Now I feel like I am still in the middle of nowhere. Doesn't matter. I just have to work on what I need to work on.

That's it.

I think about my parents and my really messed up not-relationships with them and I STILL think they should NOT have had kids. And I'm old. I'm not a kid. So now what? Well practical demands fill up the what. There is always something on the personal To-Do list like changing lightbulbs and whatnot.

Seeing parents get old is kind of sad and terrifying and awful even if one doesn't have a good relationship with them.

I need to have a heart attack before I get THAT old. I will live in some low-income housing lol alone. Had 15 jobs but still I will just be the same thing my father is alone and old.

[Meh]

I've spent years of my life inside beige cubicals. For like nothing. I really ended up with mostly nothing.

People give me not very thoughtful advice that I don't ask for. For whatever reason what stands out to people is that I have on occasion painted. So they like to say: "make a website"  "work in an art gallery" I've had TWO people say this idiotic refrain to me this past week. Someone who bumped into me walking on the street and I didn't bring up the topic. People give terrible advice. They tell people to do things that they themselves wouldn't do.

I actually told one of them something like "Oh, I'm done with that hobby" and "I'm not really into it that much" or something along those lines and they don't even hear me. I'm tired of it. I'm old.

I'm 100% convinced that A LOT of people don't even know why something is clicking for them.

Okay, I'm complaining. I think those people are perhaps just talking to their projections. Maybe THEY WISH they had followed some hobby more but then why don't they do it now instead of telling ME to do it.

Doesn't matter.

I have nothing to say here. Just felt like journaling or whatever.

Met someone at a campground today while I was driving around exploring places. They were blocking me with their big Winnebago. The guy told me to go around him in the dirt shoulder and I told him I would just wait and that I was a bad driver. I told him I wasn't in a hurry. He eventually parked. He was oldish, had a tie dye shirt on.

Looking around I'm thinking holy shit who are these people out in the world actually DOING STUFF.

Why can't I DO STUFF? Something other than being unhappy and stressed about everything.

Maybe it's because I'm not rich hahahaha like I don't own a Winnebago thing hahaha and I'm not retired and never will be hahahaha oh yes. That is it right. That is probably it.

Anyhow. It's already Friday. I don't want to sleep.

[Meh]

I need to stop cooking. I have energy to create the mess but not to clean it up. Man do I make big cooking messes.

There might be cow shit on my car.

I'm wide awake. These tea bags I drank three hours ago may have actually worked for once. Well, I will just clean and then I will turn all the lights off.

My laptop feels like a torture device and it's probably keeping me awake too.

So close it yes. Maybe. yeah Good night or morning.

[lighter]

People who do nothing don't have road trips with friends, cow shit on their car or conversations with guys struggling to park Winnebagos, Meh. 

I think you're doing things.  What did the ocean look like?

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Meh, your post sounds to me like a mixture of reconnecting with the world plus severe depression and anxiety, too.

I don't know what would help you, but in my case a low dose of SSRI has been making a big difference.

I wonder if there's a driving instructor who'd work with you? Worth asking?

I wish I had a magic wand I could wave over your life. Nature is that wand -- that is where your heart is. I'm sorry you have to work so long and so hard. I haetd my wasted cubicle years, too.

On the other hand, it was wonderful to read a post where you were reconnecting with the world, bravely and in defiance of nothingness. And your mother wasn't even part of it.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

I'm not taking mood pills Hops. The pills are bullshit. Been there, done that, fuck that.

[Hopalong]

Gotcha.
Sorry I forgot, but now I remember
you shared that before.

Hang in. (My memory is going.)

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Went out to listen to some live music was a few bands on private property down a dirt road on a "farm."

It wasn't really a farm as they didn't have livestock or crops so I guess it's more of a hobby farm for the well off.

The neighboring property did have some horses and I went to look at them. Chatted to a lady who was also there. I didn't want to spook her so I talked so she would know I was behind her. She ended up askimg me to sit next to her and eat and she old me about her visiting her family on the east coast etc.

I have to say. It's really hard meeting people. It's kind of hard meeting anybody at all. I've just been making a point of going out to see live music. But really I'm doing stuff kind of and still not expanding my social circle.

People's advice about meeting other people is kinda awful I think. Just going out of the house isn't really the key. It's good to get out definitely gets a person off devices and into a different kind of distraction or whatever.

[sKePTiKal]

It is hard to describe the benefits of putting down the screens and interacting face to face, with all kinds of people. The benefits aren't really tangible. I definitely notice an energy boost - and that could be good or bad, depending on what I'm currently struggling with personally. That's kinda like exercise of our more subtle "senses".

Sometimes, there are shared giggles or belly laughs; sometimes discussion of current events or topics where someone offers a new perspective, one hasn't thought of. Sometimes it's just a smile or friendly looks. I like change of scenery, too.

When we leave home - admittedly it's purpose-driven and not usually a fun, exploration run - I generally set my expectations down when I get in the jeep. It will be what it is - for better or worse - and I accept that my own perception, energy, etc that I bring to the situation has some impact on what I experience too.

It sounds to me like you're doing pretty good; going at your own pace. There's no race to accomplish any set goal, is there? Did you ever find an apartment and a new job? I know you were looking, but might've missed the report.

[lighter]

Expectations are a limiting thing, IME.

If I think back to social activities if my past....I think of the small martial arts group I belonged to for many years. 

I brought in members, went out with members, had them over for parties, are with some, liked some didn't like others and enjoyed class with some immensely.  So e were really dreadful human beings.... dangerous even.

The thing is, a group with similar interests, a plan to meet with people showing up is easier to navigate than finding people by chance and starting friendships.

Joining a group doesn't require people change their schedule.  It's better, easier to flow into community that way, IME.

I'm glad your enjoying live music, Meh.  I hope you feel moved to dance🪺
Lighter