Hopsie, do you know that this morning that I realised when it comes to 'mothering', I think where I've gone wrong with it (in relation to mothering myself), is that the sort of gentle, maternal self talk (there, there darling, it's alright kind of thing) just doesn't really do it for me. I realised I am a more practical, getting on with it sort of person, not in a being commanded way, but for me 'care' is someone saying, "yes, I know you don't feel like going out for a walk but in the long run it will make you feel better so up you get, get your shoes on, I'll come with you". I don't think I've realised that before; I can 'mother' myself in a practical way, it doesn't need to be the polar opposites of either constant criticism or nothing other than total acceptance. There's a place in between that suits me better. Hmmm. More to think about lol.
Thanks, Lighter and Skep as well. I've been trying today to have a dialogue between the external me, who wants to protect and prevent harm, and the internal me, who doesn't really have a voice and just gets sort of shushed away if she trys to peek her head out. One example I wanted to run past you all, to see if it makes sense (!) is this:
Our bathroom needs decorating. I've stripped half the paper off the walls but it's been in this half done state for months now, as I haven't had another free afternoon to get the rest of it done. There also comes after that an argument with the landlord to get it replastered so it can be painted ( they've already refused once, I've had advice from a housing organisation and now need to go back to them quoting this, that and something else. It's a pain) It could also do with a good clean and it's kind of disorganised as we don't have any real storage beyond a few basic bits, as I didn't want to start putting things on walls that will need to come down again to replaster and decorate. So in essence, it's a mess, and because it's a bathroom, I'm in and out of it all day long so I'm constantly reminded it's a mess and it needs sorting out.
So my external thought to it is that the condition it's in shows I'm slovenly and lazy. That's the way I would perceive someone else looking at it would think of me if they saw it. But when I sat and thought about it internally - what does it really mean, what does it really show? (and it took a while, I find it hard to tap in to that 'who I really am' stuff), I thought, actually, the reason it's not done is because I'm exhausted, unsupported, my priorities change not just daily but through the day, as I respond and adapt depending on my son's needs and, where possible, my own, the thought of having to argue with the landlord to get the work done really puts me off sorting it out and most days I don't have an uninterrupted chunk of two to three hours to work on it.
Now none of those internal thoughts are unreasonable, are they? Because I've never had them before. I always feel like anything I haven't done is a reflection of 'fault' on my part, in some way. But now I'm thinking, no, it shows I've got no help, I prioritise my son, and myself most of the time, over the house because we are more important, and how my energy levels are low - not to mention how many houses we've lived in now that we've had to move out of again after I've spent time and energy making them better.
I'm carrying on with it through the day, I'd be interested in other's thoughts? I'm looking through what I've written this morning and it's honestly like I've got two completely different people living in my head. No wonder I'm always tired. I don't know whether to laugh or cry really.
I'm just editing because it's getting worse and I sometimes feel so angry that I don't notice this stuff about myself sooner. Why don't I see it? I want to blooming slap myself sometimes.
I went into the kitchen and it's similar to the bathroom - it needs decorating, I haven't cleaned the windows since the storm so they're still dirty, the whole room could do with a good clean, there are dishes that need washing, there's a blind in the corner waiting to go up on the window and again, it shows I'm slovenly, lazy, can't be bothered. Have sat and had a think trying to tap into the 'internal' me, and do you know what I didn't even notice? What didn't even register in my mind at all? The loaf of bread on the side that I baked yesterday, the cupcakes I made for my son because they're his favourites. The meal planners up on the wall that I use to make my son nice dinners that don't cost too much and avoid waste, the charts I've got up for him that show what food is in season and when, the utensils that are all arranged so they're easy for him to get to, the recipe cards that I've written out by hand in a way that he can follow more easily, the lists on the doors so that he can see what we need to buy when we go shopping and add to it if he sees we're getting low. I paid no attention to the view from my window of what was a very overgrown garden when we moved in and is now cut back and tidy, full of birds enjoying their breakfast, borders on to another garden of a neighbour who is nice to me, the cat who we took in, full of fleas, worms and ticks, anxious and skinny, who is now lounging around like lord of the manor, getting a bit on the chubby side and who is up to date with all his treatments and vaccines. Why didn't I see any of that? Why have I never seen any of that? It's all there, just as much as the walls that need painting and the blind that needs putting up, so why do I see those and not everything else? Blooming hell. I need to give my own head a wobble. Right. I'm carrying on, I won't come back with an update for each room though lol. I feel like I need to go back to bed! Lol
