Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Farm Journal - 2025
sKePTiKal:
Well, B left yesterday on the two day trek back to his place. He'll get unpacked and rested up about the time he has to pack up & get back here for his med appts. <rolleyes> He doesn't care about the driving.
While he was gone last time, I took Fenris (the 07 Jeep) to a garage. S'posed to be just for brakes & inspection and investigate why it would jump out of first gear. That turned out to be the clutch, and later, the transmission. Whoo boy... as slow as B is, it would've taken him a couple years to do all that. But, he's all fixed up now and B's been driving it; I drove it no problems this time. And I have a new place to get my lifted jeeps inspected. Instead of renting a vehicle to get him and all his "traveling tools" back & forth, I let him put Fenris to the test on this short turn-around trip. So far, so good. In a couple of weeks, he'll be towing a trailer and a heavy toolbox. More testing.
He's already had Hol's jeep in a garage tracing out an electrical issue for most of the year. But, it's not like he WANTS to work on it. Hol explained the problem she thought she had, and he just assumed responsibility for the work on his own - and then bitched about how she just dumps things on him. That is a totally unfair characterization of the situation; he's not even aware that he wouldn't just share knowledge with her - and let her fix it herself. OH NO... needs to make her the bad guy. To be fair, Hol does that to him quite a bit too.
I've been quietly watching the dynamics for awhile. Been pondering how these things happen... what part I'm playing in it too and owning that. It seems a lot like any time there are 3 people involved in something, someone's toes get stepped on and dissension seems to follow UNLESS, there's a person observing and speaking up, to head the whole act of the play off at the pass.
If 3 turns into 4 (Cody is a possiblity; being discussed but not with urgency) some of this will go away.
B's experience of "extended family" living situations is fraught with a lot of negative experiences. Hol & I have had our share, but we've continued to work through and improve things. That process is BRAND NEW to him. So, I've been paying closer attention to some of his "mutterings" and how he says how he's interpreting the interactions. Gathering more information. I have, I think, at least a direction to try now. Experiments are always good.
I am such a homebody introvert, that I almost never seek out new things to do, explore or try. And given his mobility issues and my lack of stamina and patience for large groups... we need to find things that aren't overly taxing. So I'm looking while he's gone.
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Meanwhile, I'm coordinating the elevator project & contractors. Found an external lift (1000 lbs capable) that costs a lot less than an internal one that needs an addition. Just have to cut a hole in the part of the deck I don't use. Talked to the guy who did the original glass replacement for me just after I'd moved in... he'll come out next week and look at rebuilding 3 sides of the decks (which are in sad shape) and sealing & painting the exterior.
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AGAIN, garden is a total disaster. Went from cold & wet in June, to abominably hot & dry - and SOME of my "itchies" turned out to be bug bites. SIGH. I still have herbs and some bulbs to plant. I am getting the sewing mess in the studio under control - mending, a historical sewing project (chemise), and tying up loose ends of the interior remodel.
Friend Deb is coming out for Labor Day weekend. Who knows what we'll get up to.
lighter:
Lordy, Amber......lots of balls in the air. The lift solution sounds like the better choice, btw. So glad you wended your way to that final choice.
The thing with Hol and B and boundaries and resentments.....ya.
Do, point out to B, that frustrated resentment he feels is likely about him, not Hol. If he needs things to be different... it's a him thing. If he isn't staring clear boundaries..... it's a him thing. Not bad or good.
I'm going through similar stuff with my grown kiddos. Teaching, rather than doing their stuff and feeling resentment, is a breath of fresh air. Saying NO is too
You'll get the garden together, this year or next. Maybe consider hiring someone to do the drudge work.....at least while you're so busy? I envision you taking on one or two young people, interested in gardening/herbs/sharing some produce. Maybe students who get credits. My kid's friend group worked at an organic farm, a mea cow/chicken farm and mushroom farm, while in school, for little or no pay. Just for experience.
I know...... people usually mean complications, but I refuse to believe outreach, and reciprocity, is always a mistake.
We have teens begging for summer work, around here. Adults too. Garden and yard work, etc.
Hoping B has a quick and safe trip.
Lighter
sKePTiKal:
Ya know, it's too much to ask that Hol would be satisfied that i found a faster, less expensive way to solve the future problems with stairs (that may/may not happen). Oh no... she immediately jumps to: well if you're doing laundry or just want to grab something from your big pantry downstairs - you still have to go outside with your coat on in the cold, snow or rain. She's always finding fault, or imagining the potential what-ifs that won't be an everyday occurance - ie, nitpicking my thought process and/or decision.
But O M G, if someone does that to her, then you've totally invalidated her, implied she can't be trusted, and is stupid on top of it.
And if I do a bit of mending - that's wrong too. Why? Because I did something for B instead of for myself.
I hope she DOES go on her trip in Sept for a week/10 days. And I'm actively planning a few trips for B and me, since on his return, he'll be here till spring.
Hopalong:
Huzzah, outside elevator! (Patting self on back...)
Is it possible for its body and works to be outside but with a door opening to the inside? Even on 2 levels? Or, erect some simple roof out to it?
More $$ than outside-only, but still not a $$$$$ addition. Or, ignore Hol? LOL.
Hope B and H learn to communicate clearly and each say No, or I can do this by X date but not that...instead of mind-reading and seething. Hard on you to be middlemaid.
hugs,
Hops
sKePTiKal:
It's different things with each of them. B sees all current behaviors/events as exactly like what he has had to deal with in the past. It can ONLY be that one thing, in his mind. I keep pointing out how it isn't necessarilly the same. Repetition can have magical results. <smile> Especially for someone as OCD as he is combined with ADHD attributes. Yes, he has days he needs a lot of "adult supervision". LOL.
Hol thinks EVERYONE "can do better", "try harder", and learn different ways of being, communicating & behaving. My only issue with that, is that the only acceptable result (to her) is to be exactly like HER. Choosing something ELSE gets charactized as being defensive, ashamed, afraid, stubborn, controlling, negative, and disrespecting her "need" to "understand". SIGH. Again, repetition is my chinese water tactic to get her to "allow" people to be something DIFFERENT - and just as equal or valuable.
Neither one of these idiosyncrasies rises much above a level of annoyance for me. Yeah, it's tiresome. But it is familiar and if it threatens to go beyond annoyance - the boundaries get enforced sharply & quickly and both will back off. Then, I'll go read a book for 6 hours. Buh-bye.... I'm done.
I think that's just my introvert coping - I've peopled enough for that day; now like Greta Garbo, I just vant to be ALONE. LOLOLOLOL.
Both have just enough intellectual understanding of psycho-speak to develop rational "explanations". But neither is busting their butt to work through to the letting go point, of things that are based on old traumatic realities that no longer exist in their lives. Hol, in particular, is having a difficult time separating her self, from how she learned to cope way back when, with different people, in different circumstances.
She IS a smart one. And ALWAYS thinking (and overthinking, and recursively thinking). I see a little bit of her learning to relax - truly relax - more. But that's new. Her hypervigilance and anxiety about how she's perceived by others leads her to go as far as imagining other people's feelings and perceptions - and then claiming it's what she sees. And then, she spirals up into her overthinking again. And dominating conversations so much, I in particular can't even form or finish a sentence before she interupts again. If I call her on it, then "I'm not hearing her". SIGH. The implied message is that I'm not accepting her perception, her decision on the motivations behind it, etc etc, ad boredom.
Yeah, I see old patterns from my past - but these are different people, I'm different, and circumstances are VERY different. I look at things for a LONG TIME, before I trust my own discernment of a situation to open my yap and talk about it. I want to know I'm "seeing" and "understanding" my SELF correctly and think about the words I'm going to use so that other people can understand my arcane & fuzzy ways of combining perception and feelings and conclusions.
Some days just aren't "people" days for me.
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