Farm Journal - 2026

[sKePTiKal]

Hippy, one more thing about Tai Chi. A lot of students said they were there for the physical benefits; but just as many said they appreciated the style of socializing too. Much of that doesn't involve talking - as the class learns the new positions and collectively performs the whole set of positions. But there are breaks - and gathering/leaving conversations. You get to know people over time.

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So B's surgery is scheduled for 7 am in the city on Friday (at least a 2 hr drive for us! Hol is driving because I don't do city rush hour traffic anymore.) We'll be awake at zero dark thirty. Hopefully there won't be any accidents on the way. None of this has been made any easier for us to deal with - because of software upgrades in the doc's office to integrate AI programs. One of which has cancelled his surgery appt 10 times and continues to do so. His Rx's for post surgery are also NOT making it into the pharmacy. The pre-op appt B had to sign all the basic boilerplate permissions again IN HARD COPY. I asked the nurse if it was because of the software upgrade - and YES - the IT company didn't carry over the initial paperwork every patient signs when seeking treatment. I rolled my eyes; she rolled hers and let out a huge sigh. They had to collect hard copy sigs from ALL their patients again. Big pain for all of us... and she let slip that yes, they are limited to 15 mins sessions with ALL patients.

Having managed those kinds of upgrades in my previous existence, I am not impressed. B on the other hand - is ballistic. It has to do with trust. He can't trust in people or processes that don't seem to know if they're coming or going. Can't blame him, either. And they take absolutely no time or consideration that after all the horrible things he's experienced at the hands of the medical "professionals" that there MIGHT be everything from suspicion, to distrust to outright PTSD about every little screw up, bureaucratic confusion, and personally inconvenient and painful consequences. He is not a person - just a procedure to perform.

We're dealing with it. Sometimes I have to walk away while he melts down. But he does eventually regulate and we reconnect. Hol and I can meet up at the studio... she'll play music... I'll calm down... and sometimes B joins us to unwind a little. He's been taking it out on dead/down trees. We already have enough wood for next winter.

But, just last week it was cold enough we had a fire in the woodstove again. Yesterday, I turned the AC on for the next few days of 90 degrees. High will only be in the low 50s on Friday. Sigh. Wearing layers that day.

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The garden is probably not going to happen. What with the weather - things breaking around here (front door & garage door having issues) and all this running around... I'm going with cleaning up, adding compost to what is growing... and mulching this year. MIGHT do some herb seeds in a couple weeks for a few plants. Have raspberries ordered too. But not adding this to my to-do list right now.

[Hopalong]

That's a lot, Amber.

I just want to say (for you this is temporary) that when I realized I Just Can't Garden Now I grieved. Genuinely, it hurts. But that was a year or two back, and this year I'm not pretending about it. I'm not even composting now, same feelings.

But I DO feel good about accepting my current limits, and not letting grief go on forever. If it's a couple pots on the patio plus the yellow wheelbarrow, I will still take joy in lovely plants growing.

My three indoor plants are thriving. The baby begonia is now a beautiful monster. Betty B will go outside when the warmth can be trusted.

Phil O-Dendron is showing his muscle on a pedestal kind of setup. The one that needs transplanting and care is the cyclamen. Blows my mind when it blooms.

Enjoy all you can access without harming yourself, hon. And I am imagining how very much you'll love and use that grand deck.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

It sounds wise to put garden down, Amber.  You'll still dream and plan.... prepare, but focus on other things seems reasonable.

Good luck to B..... I'll be sending white beams if justice and competence his way on Friday.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks Ladies.

I've recognized the quiet stress over this that we're both unable to exactly put down. Cope with, yes. So far that's working. The Rx are ready for pickup finally. And we have other errands to run too, to make it easy for us to be homebodies for a few days. He's got a list of things to keep his hands & mind busy that are not physically strenuous for that first week. He does heal up fast.

The garden just is setting expectations too high for me this year. I'll settle for amending the soil, and tidying my herb garden. I think my comfrey died over the winter - but I have another patch to check that I might be able to divide. And Hol has plenty to share. I have enough seeds for the next couple of years and depending on weather, might try for a fall garden.

He doesn't experience much pain from the surgery itself. He's had so many. The first couple days will bother him.  But the pump dosage will be minimal for the first week - then we should be able to get him back up to his normal dose AND with a controller that actually works to boost his dose a little within limits. I think it's the invasiveness that bugs him. I can relate.

[Hopalong]

I'll be sending a big cloud of white light down the highway above y'all, ((((Amber)))).

I hope the new procedure might be B's last. What a task it must be to help him manage his reactivity. It's an act of love but at times can also be a burden.

Like gardens. At some point we have to let go and let things happen.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Oh no... not his last Hops! The batteries in med devices have about a 5 yr life span. So to keep pain levels tolerable for the rest of his life, replacement is necessary.* I just hope we get a closer surgical center.

Yeah - I feel he's kind of entitled to his reactivity. Some days I do a better job of managing of my own; and when I can't we're both good with taking our "stuff" somewhere away from each other until we settle. The only thing I interfere with is when he starts his negative tape in his head about how things ALWAYS turn out badly for him; as if he's cursed. We tend to play out: overwhelming force and immovable object with this. After many repetitions, I am slowly making headway to him seeing the possibility that "this is now; it's different; results will be different" as compared to reliving former trauma.


* The scary part is that already, the surgeons are starting to grumble about going thru all his scar tissue - internal as well as external. And that there may come a point when replacement simply won't be possible. That bridge isn't going to be crossed, even in imagination, until we get to it. You've seen Outlander - B's back is scarred; but not as badly as they made up Jamie's to be. He was self-conscious coz of some inconsiderate comments about it. Until I told him "chicks dig scars".

[lighter]

::adding powerfully charged surgical dance, to my energetic rain dance'round the bonfire::.

Feel free to join in ladies.....Doc?

 Mud, if you ever visit.

If anyone deserves bonfire magic....B surely does on Friday.

To the possibility things go very well!!!

Lighter

[lighter]

Decidedly....
A good war dance is prayer.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Permanent pain is hell to live with and also has so much mythology about purification, by which I mean hogwash, around it.

Someone was telling me yesterday that a "new" treatment for severe spinal arthritis pain is actually radiation. I suppose that makes sense, since they can pinpoint any area and reach it without scalpels or damage to other tissue. (If I understood it right, which is always debatable.)

B. must be feeling like that Joe Bltssfyk guy in the old comic. Can't blame him but it's good you model resistance against "always" thinking. My sculptor exH2 was hit head on by a drunk driver on his way to the Art Institute of Chicago with a full load of pieces for a show without a seat belt because he was too manly to need one....had the kind of build-a-back surgery that left him with permanent intense pain. Titanium rods, countless plates and screws, slices of his own ribs and hip grafted around parts of the spinal column, etc. She, the driver, wasn't hurt badly but he's lived with all the consequences and his recovery sounded like torture. Your B's pain story reminds me so much of him. Ex2's scarred back is a 3-D topo map of what he went through...I don't think implant pumps were available to him then. I'd love to introduce those two for a pain bros talk. It's got to be hell sometimes, for both of you.

[Adding gold, pink and salmon light to the cloud above your ride....]

hugs
Hops