The psychology of chronic pain patients is interesting. A former private practice PT, put me on to a bunch of research on the neuroscience/psychology involved in his speciality... and it informed some ideas for me. And I tried some simple experiments; I tried explaining - and found out words were simply useless noise in this instance. There is a visceral experience level - a combo of emotions, physical comfort/pleasure, and cognitive distraction that IS a balance to the experience of constant pain, negativity, paranoid expectations of being singled out for torture (the pain). Think of how one comforts a crying baby, who's been fed, changed, etc. Rocking works because of the sense of physical security and gentle rocking motion. The soothing vocalisms are just gravy.
B would always find a "problem" to solve that involved using his hands, eyes, brain when the pain was the worst. It was his self-developed coping mechanism. But all the while, part of his brain was ruminating on being singled out for a miserable physical existence. A negative feedback loop experience.
I started looking for moments that would distract him AND be pleasant. Didn't have to be euphoric or sensation numbing. Little things. Short-lived; but to him - memorable. We started accumulating a library of pleasant memories to offset - just a little bit - the painful ones. Still working on that too, btw. It HELPS that the new pump has dropped his pain level down so low now. And it's working; it's just a slow process.
Other qualities of his personality show through, a peek here and there. Radical acceptance of him, as he is, and still sticking by him means a lot too. Pretty sure there are betrayal and abandonment issues to understand and let go yet... on his terms... but he is beginning to come out of his tactically defensive shell. And it's worth it to see that potential start to be realized.
We don't talk about it. It's not a responsibility or chore for me; when I remember to use a more positive understanding and share it with him - I do. He gets it most times. I don't have to "work" at it; just remember.
More things become possible now, for us. And while it's taken years... investment of time, tolerance of his clutter, and simply feeling "together" in our lives... it's still been worth it. People are simply not "disposable"; altho it sure seems to the many suffering or homeless or in pain - that this is the way it is.
And he takes care of me, too. I think Hol is jealous. But she's also confused because his persona is all toxic-male and yet he is very "other-oriented", protective, sensitive, and caring and smart & funny. Vulnerable even. And that's a unicorn that doesn't exist in her generation.... she thinks. I think she's limiting her perception and awareness with definitions and labels... but since she claims NOT to do that, it wouldn't be useful to point that out. Unless I can catch her in the act; in the moment... where it's not deniable. Pretty sure she's making her own relationship issues too. But that's another topic; another day.
