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Hopalong:
Yikers, how upsetting. Sorry you had to deal with a cops surprise.

Wonder if somebody called in a welfare check?

Hope you're doing better now, Meh.

Hugs
Hops

lighter:
Disengagement, not resolution.

That's everything, isn't it?  I think, maybe, it is.

I'm sorry your mother is spiralling, and lashing out.  Calling the police was a way to get your attention, and you realize you don't have to keep giving her that attention.  You have choice, Meh.

I picture you building new rituals, in the spaces your mother takes up. 

Morning rituals around whatever brings you joy.....be it tea, stretching, listening to the morning chorus of birds ....feeding birds ...bathroom rituals, skincare, etc.

Congrats on the new job, and intention to let go, instead of resolve.
You remind me to find a new place for my poem, which I'm moved to share, here, every so often.

Without a word, she let go.

She let go of fear.

She let go of judgments.

She let go of the confluence of opinions swarming around her head.  She let go of the committee of indecision within her.

She let go of the 'right' reasons.
Wholly and completely, without hesitation or worry, she just let go.

She didn't ask anyone for advice.

She didn't read a book on how to let go.
She let go.
She let go of all the memories that held her back.

She let go of all the anxiety that kept her from moving forward.

She let go of the planning and calculations about how to do it just right.

She didn't promise to let go.

She didn't journal about it.
She didn't write the projected date in her day-timer.

She made no public announcement.

She didn't check the weather report or read her daily horoscope.
She just let go.

She didn't analyze whether she should let go.

She didn't call her friends to discuss the matter.

She didn't utter one word.
She just let go.

No one was around when it happened. There was no applause or congratulations.
No one thanked her or praised her. No one noticed a thing.
Like a leaf falling from a tree, she just let go.

There was no effort.  There was no struggle.

It wasn't good.  It wasn't bad.
It was what it was, and it is just that.
In the space of letting go, she let it all be.

A small smile came over her face. A light breeze blew through her.

And the sun and the moon shone forevermore.

Here's to giving ourselves the gift of letting go.....

There's only one guru ~ you.



I love that poem.....and notice how  little time, I have, for other people's nonsense.  L as and less.  It does feel like letting go.

I also notice the choices in every moment ...for instance....focus on the intense heat and approaching heat stroke, while watering trees
OR focus on the relief of icy well water over my head, the sound of the birds and relief of the breeze.  It sometimes feels like a magic act, I've learned to perform.

Lighter

Meh:
Thanks for sharing poem Lighter. Maybe I'll print it and keep it in my purse. It has an invocation quality to it.

Thanks Hops.

Woke up at 5 AM on Sunday. I didn't get any exercise yesterday, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and hug my bed comforter. Honestly kind of "hiding from life" but nothing going on is anything that I feel like I'm a part of. Well maybe after I get the coffee through my system I will go for a walk. The N bullshit typically starts at 9 AM ish... So maybe I have 2-3 hours of peace.

I'll print it and keep it in my purse. Because I am sitting here picturing myself doing it but I am also picturing all these problems I am going to have this upcoming week and wondering when I will get time to do anything. Drinking coffee, doing anxiety brain stuff, and okay open document copy paste print and fold and stick it in my purse. I'll just hold on to it like a security blanket.

Meh:

Yeah I just got a call from a "Mental Health Practitioner." I told them I saw my mother and my aunt weaponize social services against my sibling and that it's really nothing new. My mother tried to make my brother appear insane. He was definitely fucked up but he was never insane.

I don't even have drug problems and never have.

Reminding myself be neutral, disengage, try to be polite. Even when I am grumpy and annoyed try to stay polite. It's really hard sometimes.

Am I angry /am I utterly bored? I think I should really try harder just to be bored.

I choose boredom. Apathy?

I do have several important tasks I need to get done today.

Also I did go out for a walk so there's that.

I can try to be more apathetic towards drama and not be apathetic to how it impacts me.

Narcissists don't want calm, relaxed, stable, functional.

lighter:
A trick I was taught....
when people, in positions of authority, say dumb things......
treat it as an opportunity to educate them.

Like you're talking to a child .....calm, simple, very short.

Also .....nobody can do/think 2 things at once, so choose the thing you'd like to do/think, and focus only on that, maybe.

Worth a try.

Lighter

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