N.

[Meh]

If you'd like more information, or insights, on my perspectives on healing....just ask.

Lighter

Thanks.

[Meh]

I complain a lot internally some externally.

Was frustrated today with how difficult it is for me to set up a therapy appointment. I have junk insurance. Being that I have junk insurance and probably doesn't pay well there are limited locations I can use it so I don't feel I am making a choice really it's more like an institutional conveyor belt but maybe I am fixating on dumb stuff. Some of my frustration is legit and some of it seems stupid petty insane.

Came across Dr. Jeffrey Young Angry Child Mode concept. I don't do a lot of tantrum type things but my brain does ruminate and it also gives up on stuff sometimes when I get too frustrated.

Anyhow I might come back to this Angry Child Mode thing again and reflect on it.

Sadly I could reflect on my life forever and I don't think my quality of life is going to improve much.

[Meh]

Complaining and ruminating.


??? The Coping Mechanism: You develop a "Perpetual Courtroom" in your mind. You ruminate and complain to "prove" your case to an imaginary judge because, as a child, nobody ever stood up for you and said, "This is wrong." * You aren't "just complaining"; you are testifying to your own sanity. ???

Complaining why do it. It's based on stress and anger?

[Hopalong]

I'd say, go for it in spite of junk insurance, because I believe a smart, compassionate counselor can pop up anywhere. I remember being amazed at how much a MSW counselor in a big public hospital helped me once. I attended a group that was inspiring and then saw her individually for a while.

I think negative rumination is slow poison. It's like you are speaking to yourself in the righteous-justice voice you needed to hear, for validation long ago. Slowly, it can turn to positive, self-respecting thinking. And then you start to understand that you can in fact steer your own thoughts in a different direction.

My first effort was when I started asking myself to talk to myself with the kindness and love I'd give to any child. To actually become my own friend. It has helped a lot. I sometimes catch myself criticizing myself with sharpness the moment the day begins and I face my home's dishevelment. Lately, I've just been reminding myself how I love this sweet place and when I'm ready, even in small steps, I can make it beautiful again. Small steps are fine and perfection ain't the point.

What I'm saying to myself about myself is the most important thing.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well, my version of this involves internalized criticism from external sources. And those were "rules" I had to live by and always "accept" and kowtow to. I think it evolved into self-judgement based on a set of imposed values.

Once I started questioning "whose rules" and "why rules in the first place" things cracked open a little bit more. Now the lifelong habits are still around and me making even little changes to them feels "not safe"... but I pick one thing to persist with, come hell or high water...

Some days are better than others, success wise. But at least now, I set the bar a lot lower to make it easier and more pleasant.

[Hopalong]

Absolutely. How the external training (including brainwashing, religious control, unconscious bias of patriarchy, on and on....) becomes an internal jailer we continue to respect and obey. At the expense of our own best interests.

It's life work. Life-long work, imo, to discover and passionately defend our core values and our core selves. I have mortality on my mind a lot these days but still am animated by the search for MY truth. Made or discovered in ME, by ME.

On we go.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

My experience with "angry inner child" has been to notice who's there, what that part has to say, validating the part(of course you feel that way...who wouldn't) accepting, and inviting them to sit beside ( my grown self) as ally going forward. My adult self becomes practiced compassionate witness....becomes practiced.

As trauma processes, I experience windows of tolerance expanding also....
 I practice being mindful of being in survival mode vs calm and integrated brain/frontal cortex available to creatively problem solve with logic and reason available.

We o

[Meh]

Thanks everybody for your replies I will look them over slowly.

[Meh]

Absolutely. How the external training (including brainwashing, religious control, unconscious bias of patriarchy, on and on....) becomes an internal jailer we continue to respect and obey. At the expense of our own best interests.

It's life work. Life-long work, imo, to discover and passionately defend our core values and our core selves. I have mortality on my mind a lot these days but still am animated by the search for MY truth. Made or discovered in ME, by ME.

On we go.

hugs
Hops

I think only some people really pay attention to the self concept. Like some people are oblivious and other people just don't need to focus on it. And then there are people who spend their whole lives trying to figure it out.

[Meh]

Do we fall upon things out of intuition or is it random I don't know.

I was going to write something here about N but I am disinclined to focus on them right now. It's a quiet morning and I don't need to let them fill up my headspace in every way possible.

[Meh]

"This is the "hall of mirrors" effect of the narcissist-observer dynamic. When you are raised by or around covert narcissists, you aren't just watching the world; you are watching a person who is also watching the world from behind a mask of victimhood or moral superiority.

The "Perpetual Observer" role isn't just a choice you made; it was a psychological enclosure built around you.

1. The Infection of Non-Participation
Covert narcissists don't engage with the world—they judge it. They sit on the sidelines, quietly seething or feeling misunderstood, convinced that they are "deeper" or "better" than the "shallow" people actually living.

Inherited Cynicism: If your parents never truly participated in life (because they were too busy being victims or being drunk), you were never given a "template" for participation. You learned that life is something you critique or endure, not something you join.

The "Shared Secret" Trap: A covert narcissist parent often treats the child as an ally in their observation. "Look at how loud/fake/stupid those people are," they imply. To survive, you join them in the "Observation Booth." Eventually, you realize you're trapped in there with them, looking out at a world you’re now too afraid to enter."

Key Concept: This child develops a "rich inner world" to compensate for the lack of safety in the outer world, leading to a permanent state of watching rather than participating.

Reference: The Narcissistic Family: Structure, Traits, & Roles (Hopeful Panda) — Explains the specific mechanics of the "Lost/Invisible Child" who withdraws to avoid chaos.

Reference: Dysfunctional Family Roles (Breeze Blog) — Details how these roles "stick like glue" into adulthood, creating a permanent sense of being an outsider.

Reference: Projective Identification in the Narcissistic Family (Psychology Today) — Describes how parents project their own "outsider" or "victim" feelings onto the child until the child internalizes them.

Reference: Narcissists as Perpetual Victims (Vaknin Talks) — Explores the "Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood" (TIV) and how covert narcissists stay on the sidelines of life.

[Meh]

Schizoid personality disorder (/ˈskɪtsɔɪd, ˈskɪdzɔɪd, ˈskɪzɔɪd/, often abbreviated as SzPD or ScPD) is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships,[9] a tendency toward a solitary or sheltered lifestyle, reservedness, emotional coldness, detachment, and apathy.[10] Affected individuals may be unable to form intimate attachments to others and simultaneously possess a rich and elaborate but exclusively internal fantasy world.[11] Other associated features include stilted speech, a lack of deriving enjoyment from most activities, feeling as though one is an "observer" rather than a participant in life, an intolerance towards meeting emotional expectations of others, apparent indifference when praised or criticized, being on the asexual spectrum, and idiosyncratic moral or political beliefs.[12]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder

Tonight at the moment I am sort of focusing on this bit: feeling as though one is an "observer" rather than a participant in life,

When I went to church last Sunday because it was not a large church where a person could disappear into the background the experience sort of highlighted and reminded me of how I am a chronic observer - perpetual outsider. "Ghost" in my own life a lot of times.

And then the church people politely hold my hand literally and won't let go of it. And maybe I look uncomfortable. And I am polite and I went in there but also it is really so foreign to me to be part of something. I'm not sure why am rambling on about this. I am old now and it's very very bad to have lived one's whole life like a silent witness of everything.