Anything again

[Meh]

Hi Lighter,

What stands out to me is the first line being blunt "they fuck you up."
Also the line "get out as early as you can"
And then finally the last line of
"don't have any kids yourself"

I understand some people go on to have warm aware families.

I had already imposed voluntary eugenics on myself maybe subconsciously even as I recall one day a very strong thought when I was a teenager that I would definitely NOT continue to do the same cycle.

When I looked this poem up I was reading about what it's like to be around narcissists that just don't interact normally. This poem was the only thing I could find at that moment though I wouldn't say it captures what I was trying to get at.

[Meh]

Yeah Lighter some dreams are totally disturbing. Had one of those weird ones recently also.

[lighter]

What was it?  I can't remember mine very long.

[Meh]

The dream?

Something about me going up to a movie ticket booth to get a ticket and the person selling it was someone with a growth on their head like Joseph Merrick but instead of the worker selling me the ticket they insisted that instead I should watch the movie WITH them. I think I just left. Looked like it was the 1920s or 1940s not sure.

I had been thinking of such thing as "soul deformities" as I tend to use blunt-language when I subvocalize thoughts internally to myself.

I suppose the important points of it were:

- I was disgusted with the deformity on the ticket seller's head
- I was repulsed by the ticket seller indirectly trying to force me to do something their way
- It was something meant to be fun but it wasn't fun at all? idk

[Meh]

Cortisol spikes in the morning. It's a time that I sometimes get panic attacks also. And a frequent theme if I do have any insights during that time is a feeling of existential loneliness. I think it's real. I think I was trained my entire life to accept social isolation as quite normal and so now I am left with a problem of how to deal with it or face it when I've pretty much suppressed it as a problem my entire life. The first time I had one of these existential moments of loneliness was a many years ago and I thought it was maybe a passing fluke like a remnant from a dream so I didn't pay too much attention to it besides what do you do anyways.

The loneliness I get is more of an animalistic existential fear of the tiger will eat me type. I don't think it's the type of a person who doesn't know how to be alone with themselves.

I do think it's starting to impact my waking life. Most adults do make decisions I feel like in a way based on - where is their family, where is their friend group, where is their familiar landmark. I am feeling almost 100% liminal. Anyhow I got an errand to do this morning.

[Meh]

- I only went to that church one time and I felt very guarded. I wonder if I am putting out the uncanny vibe to others.

[Meh]

- From a free book box I picked up "Your Second Life Begins When You Realize You Only Have One" by Raphaelle Giordano.

It's for middle class, middle age women. It's silly fantasy stuff. I'm not the target audience. I'm allowing myself to read it it's a small book. I'm willing to feed myself a dose of sugar I guess. 

[Meh]

- Recently I've been trying to figure out if I have:

- Some kind of frontal lobe activity issue
- ADD
- PTSD
- retardation and I still like this word
- brain structural problem
- underlying severe emotional issues - that I still don't understand
- executive function issue
- learned helplessness
- developmental trauma disorder - hypodopaminergia
- I do have GAD - generalized anxiety disorder
- neurodivergent spectrum thing
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I mean I look at this list and I see why medical professionals say to just try a pill and go away lol.

[Meh]

- I haven't been writing here on this Voicelessness board consistently.

My mind skims all of what is going on, occasionally deposits a random thought and then I go back to being too busy working to self reflect or to obsessively thinking about something.

- I wish there was some kind of national church of self awareness. A place where people went on Sundays not to worship and have faith in an invisible sentient deity. Instead the church would be more like reminding everybody to actively do self help and improve their lives. And I do not mean anything ologist at all. No gods, aliens, or demons. No stages of holier healing than thou.... just a reminder for people to keep trying I guess. Church is too supernatural for me. It's too judgemental for me. I am deeply uncomfortable being around a bunch of people all trying to be "good ones" or something. Too many rules to live by.

[Hopalong]

Secular humanists?
Quakers? (No need to chat...)

My brain ticks lots of those things too, and isn't working well enough today to be much help.

Mysteries get solved when they can be and some we just have to make peace with.
It's hard.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

That's okay Hops. I wasn't really looking for help. Was having the thought in real-time and realizing how I felt about the church situation in general.

Almost all my thoughts are so fleeting. Some of them are sort of important though.

When one is trying to practically figure out how to live engaged there are only so many opportunities nearby to do it.

[Meh]

- Recently I've been trying to figure out if I have:

- Some kind of frontal lobe activity issue
- ADD
- PTSD
- retardation and I still like this word
- brain structural problem
- underlying severe emotional issues - that I still don't understand
- executive function issue
- learned helplessness
- developmental trauma disorder - hypodopaminergia
- I do have GAD - generalized anxiety disorder
- neurodivergent spectrum thing
Adding:
- Social anxiety thing?
- Shyness
- or low self esteem
- emotional self containment
- Avoidant Attachment Style
- External Locus of Control?
- Lost Child Syndrome
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I mean I look at this list and I see why medical professionals say to just try a pill and go away lol.

I like this list that I've come up with. I like it because it's clear. It's more clear than just using the term "depression." Or "unmotivated." But also I'm not a psychiatrist. I sort of wish I could just take my list to a psychiatrist and they could just tell me but then I wonder if they would even be able to figure it out.

Now I don't like the list. It became too long.

It's just going to sit there. I am tired. I might read some fluff.

[Meh]

OMG do I have to add Schizoid personality disorder to that list above.