Anything again

[Dirty Hippy]

Maybe I should read this one though I'm not sure sounds like another generic self help thingy. Maybe I should still read the generic thingies.

Who You Were Meant to Be: A Guide to Finding or Recovering Your Life's Purpose
by Lindsay Gibson

[Dirty Hippy]

Whatever I don't care if you judge me or maybe I do.

I go to the foodbank when I can right.

I'm not lying and maybe this is bad but it feels like Christmas and it's not even a particularly nice foodbank.

The reason why it feels like Christmas is because sometimes they have random nicer things.

My entire life would I buy an $8.00 container of yogurt no I wouldn't. Once in a blue moon I find something like this.

But also since the near foodbank is not managed too well they really don't have very many veggies or fruit.

Yes I am still thankful.

They do often have cookies, cake like junk and such.
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When I am grocery shopping and just spending cash I usually just buy what I need for a couple days and maybe some staples. I don't buy soda, ice-cream, potato chips and the like regularly.
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When I go to the foodbank I take everything I might eat and it's rationed out there anyways.
You get only one can of beans AND they will give you a whole expired cake sometimes. It's hit and miss.
I have never seen broccoli, cabbage, carrots at this foodbank not once.
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Look I know I am a grown ass adult.
I always ate healthy in the past.
I'm not eating healthy now. If there is junk food I take it and if it's only a LARGE QTY package because they have nothing else I take that large package. And then once I get it home I don't want to waste it so I am eating all this crap.
And I will sometimes eat things JUST because I would never buy it.
I got this expired giant pastry thing if I were to buy it it would be 25.00 and I would never spend that on junk food
I would buy a 3.00 brownie once a week maybe
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I don't even feel good when I eat this stuff.

Part of me has thoughts like "other people are getting it why should I deprive myself"
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I don't have a ton of food around but what I can pilfer away I do just to have it in case.

I don't weigh that much I am 126.

Also WEIGHT alone is NOT an indicator of health.

I'm not obese BUT I've been doing this a few months now and I do feel I have some skinny flab on my gut and arms.

but also I have been eating like I don't give a crap about cholesterol
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I am eating sometimes from low stimulation and boredom and what else who knows

I can't afford to eat out so it's practical for me to make some food at home and even EAT when I am not hungry

"If I eat now I won't be hungry in one hour"
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I'm not vain or am I. Generally I have felt I am quite ugly but it has never been due to being over weight because I've been a bit control freak about food. Not my whole life.. I quit being a food control freak maybe sometime in my 30's.
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I don't get emotional like about food.
I have an overweight friend and her face lights up and she gets exuberant talking about food.
I haven't been making any new recipes lately not intentionally. I've been doing the make what is on hand thing.
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I didn't have sugar cravings four months ago.
Now I do have sugar cravings.
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The junk food that I have in the refrigerator right now I tasted it and I can throw the rest away I don't have to eat it all in fact I shouldn't this is too much junk!

I am allowed to throw away food still.
I am allowed to eat half a portion and not eat all of it if I am not hungry.
I am not going to starve to death this week it's just not going to happen.

My health still matters even though I am getting older.

I think I do burn lots of calories because it seems as though I can sort of pig out on food and I don't get obese.

But am I making the best choices?

Try it! -- I think this is a good choice.
EAT ALL OF IT DON"T WASTE ANYTHING -- I think this is a bad choice.

"you can't tell me what to do" --- huh look I am even doing defiant eating who knew?

And also "I won't be like you" ------- seriously this is psychological eating

Is this mature?

Whatever. I said it. I am getting junk from the foodbank.

I might drink some water. I might put some stuff into a bag and take it out to the trash and then just go out and walk around because also I can't sit. It's summer the sun has not set. But also I am tired.

[Dirty Hippy]

- Rest of the pastry is into the garbage now. DONE
- Roasted some yams for some other day. DONE

Finished with the junk food for a few more days at least.

- Have raisins which also represent junk food but I don't like them much. Telling myself they are already in handy little prepackaged bags so they are kind of a good emergency grab and go. Ugh.

[Hopalong]

I feel sad about how many struggles you go through, Hippy.
It ain't right.

Then again, your descriptions of your times outdoors make me think of you as rich. Many, many layers of sight and recognition and joy at beauty.

I've also picked up the occasional bumblebee. Every animal awes me. Wonder.

Makes me mad that people who need fresh produce most can't afford it. Furious.

Well, I understand about sugar, too. I banished it from my house some years ago. Now I don't crave it any more. I do feel like crap after eating it, so I don't often. It doesn't feel like comfort or a reward, it feels like heroin.

So on we old ladies stumble and fumble but we still see. Breathe. Move. Rest. Watch. Wait.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Feeding just one of me... a person CAN buy veggies and protein and not break their budget. I don't need 2# of carrots - even though they keep pretty well in the fridge. A head of broccoli will give me 2-3 meals. Celery doesn't last so long, but a person can dehydrate it and add to soups. A chuck roast is more than one meal for me, so I cut it and freeze to use in any number of other kinds of meals - steak subs for instance.

My current "treat" for myself - is a smaller pkg of grocery deli cookies. Yeah, I can make cookies but I don't really want the oven on this time of year.

Buy wraps instead of bread; stir fries stretch the meat over several meals and can make a good lunch or dinner, in a wrap. Always buy a larger portion of meat and repackage/freeze for another meal. Breakfast - or brunch - we eat a lot of sausage, hashbrown, onion/peppers and eggs. Mostly we eat this in a breakfast bowl but would also go in a wrap. Leftovers get eaten for lunch if I make a casserole.

The only thing we don't buy much of is fruit. Maybe fried apples. I cut up a batch of strawberries for B and I and sugared them... and we just don't eat them. Headed for the trash tomorrow. Been in the fridge longer than a week. Might start buying those little pkgs of melons though. The squash I though was still good for last night's dinner wasn't. Matching the shopping list to meal planning is an art. I'm still practicing!

[Dirty Hippy]

Well, I understand about sugar, too. I banished it from my house some years ago. Now I don't crave it any more. I do feel like crap after eating it, so I don't often. It doesn't feel like comfort or a reward, it feels like heroin.

So on we old ladies stumble and fumble but we still see. Breathe. Move. Rest. Watch. Wait.

hugs
Hops

Yep the sugar thing is definitely an impulse.

Eh don't worry. I am mainly commenting on my habits to get them out of my head and on paper so to speak. But yes it's sort of an adaptive habit not a natural choice habit.

[Dirty Hippy]

- went to church
- late but I am dragging today
- sat in back and I read a self help book
- the guest minister guy said something something "father, son, brothers" something something
- yes I am thinking how it's not "mother, daughter, sisters"
- It's not emotional feminist freak out to calmly notice this AND
- and the guy talks in a loud voice but with a fake cry quiver also and my brain registers it as weird
(ape males use loud vocalizations as a dominance signal) that is what i am thinking as I sit there
- afterwards I talk to a very nice very old couple I never met before and they make me laugh
- I just go to church because I like the building I like the idea of a place to worship
- I just go to church to talk to people I enjoy it
- I enjoy laughing and that is why I was there this morning
- am not trying to redeem my soul
- I don't view Christ as the savior or whatever
- Mathematically according to the sermon this makes me the anti-christ
- I mean look they are essentially saying everybody who is not Christian is this antichrist thing
😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈😈
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Also found a pagan event to go to locally it's far off timewise
If I am available I will try it.
Shall I try to give a sermon to the pagans and tell them non-pagans are the vile Anti-pagans
nope pagans don't do that
and yes I am too old for paganism
oh well

[Dirty Hippy]

Matching the shopping list to meal planning is an art. I'm still practicing!

It sounds like you are doing a great job of planning it out. And yes I agree for really hot days the no oven or no cook options are nice to have.

[Dirty Hippy]

I'm still slowly reading through this adult children of emotionally immature parents book. Likely what I had seen years ago was adult children of alcoholics booklet similar but smaller.

At first I didn't want to read the little stories in here. Now that I am reading it every single page is relevant to me.

AND Also it becomes pretty obvious that I too am likely very emotionally immature. I don't think in the EXACT same way my parents do but similar-ish. Bad habits!

Something in this book I notice is that it says EIP usually often want to be the center of attention. I find that in-person I get uncomfortable sometimes when people focus on me too much but this I think is also part of the emotional immaturity thing.

[Dirty Hippy]

AI Summary of info looked up:

1. The Theory of Structural Dissociation
The Key Researchers: Onno van der Hart, Ellert Nijenhuis, and Kathy Steele.

The Core Idea: They explicitly address the "forced personality role" you brought up. Their work shows that chronic childhood trauma and neglect literally split the developing personality.

The Breakdown: They identify that a survivor splits into an Apparently Normal Part (ANP)—the cold, flat, polite, functioning adult shell that goes to work and handles mechanics—and an Emotional Part (EP), which holds the hidden, frozen terror, rage, and shame of the childhood years. They argue that this isn't a "feeling," but a structural alteration of the brain and personality architecture designed purely to ensure physical survival at the cost of actual life.

[Dirty Hippy]

2. Neurobiology of Neglect & The "Freeze" State
The Key Researchers: Dr. Martin Teicher (Harvard Medical School) and Dr. Stephen Porges.

The Core Idea: They prove that emotional neglect is a physical, visible brain injury. Teicher’s neurological imaging shows that severe childhood neglect leads to the literal underdevelopment of the corpus callosum (the bridge connecting the left and right brain) and the pathways that regulate social behavior.

When the environment is constantly unsafe or neglectful, the nervous system drops into a permanent "Freeze" collapse state. In this state, the biological wiring required for social engagement is physically turned off by the brain to conserve energy. You do not want to socialize because your biology reads people as inherent threats, not rewards.

[Dirty Hippy]

3. Chronological Grief & "Disenfranchised Loss"
The Key Researcher: Dr. Pauline Boss and Critical Trauma Studies.

The Core Idea: They look at the structural reality of missing out on decades of life. Boss coined the term "Ambiguous Loss," which applies heavily here.

The Breakdown: Because this loss lacks a funeral or a tangible physical marker, it is a form of disenfranchised grief—grief the medical system and society do not recognize. The intersection of Disability Studies and Trauma Studies (such as the work of Daniel R. Morrison and Monica J. Casper) directly addresses how socio-medical responses completely fail survivors by treating trauma as a temporary event rather than an ongoing, invisible developmental disability.

[Dirty Hippy]

1- worked at fruit market
2 - worked at cafe
3 - worked at drop ship gift company
4 - worked at a front desk
5 - worked at a bank doing a temp job
6 - front desk admin for one year then quit
7 - worked in admin
8 - same company more admin just with a promotion
9 - went back to 5 because I wanted a flexible schedule
10 - research position
11 - worked in plumbing office front desk
12 - worked as cashier
13 - worked at call center about 5 years
14 - same job(s) different owner- laid off - was going to stay at this boring predictable job forever
15 - receptionist more or less
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You can see I have no career it's been a series of crap admin jobs with no skills.
Probably some temping stuff in there I don't remember.

Oh I worked at Pikes Place Market for a few weeks. Also stupid joke of a job.
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These are not good jobs. I think rent has doubled in ten years or so. I don't want to complain about it I'm just trying to gauge my apathy and burn out.

I'm not lazy I'm de-energized. I am tired of all the instability on multiple levels.

[Dirty Hippy]

1- worked at fruit market (I didn't like one of the managers) (owner liked me)
2 - worked at cafe (I wasn't liked)
3 - worked at drop ship gift company (was seasonal)
4 - worked at a front desk (was a temp job)
5 - worked at a bank doing a temp job
6 - front desk admin for one year then quit (some people liked me some people didn't)
7 - worked in admin (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
8 - same company more admin just with a promotion (managers liked me coworkers didn't)
9 - went back to 5 because I wanted a flexible schedule same as above
10 - research position (co-workers liked me manager neutral)
11 - worked in plumbing office front desk (one particular older female coworker didn't like me)
12 - worked as cashier (I didn't like standing on my legs for so long)
13 - worked at call center about 5 years (company was large enough that it was easy to hide at my desk for 5 years)
14 - same job(s) different owner- laid off - was going to stay at this boring predictable job forever
15 - receptionist more or less (didn't fit in with coworkers playing pokemon at work etc)
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I've had a lot of jobs where I either didn't like the situation or I was quite unliked.

The job that was most tolerable to me was the one where there was just so many people it was easy to disappear and get good work reviews. It wasn't that I was liked it was that I was tolerated and I just minded my own business. There was also no way to fake productivity at that job.
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Not only am I tired of the general instability and low pay of jobs. I'm tired of having to deal with work dynamics and also I am bad at socializing anyways.

[Dirty Hippy]

"Negative egocentrism [is] characterized by a negative and pessimistic conversational style, talking about one’s problems, and displaying a general disinterest in others' contributions to the interaction."