Anything again

[Dirty Hippy]

Introverts need that quality to be understood and respected, I agree.

For me, because I live alone without supportive family in my life, being alone too much seems to contribute to or worsen underlying depression. Even though I gravitate to spending my time alone.

I think if I had a partner or family member nearby to watch fireflies with, I would not participate in as many social things. But I don't, and have learned the hard way that if I go without sufficient human interaction, my mental health slides.

It's annoying, often, that choosing which things to invest my time in, feels so like WORK. But if I trudge on and "feel the fear and do it anyway" -- an adequate level of social interaction does in time lift my mood.

Everybody's threshold for just enough, or too much, varies. Ain't no harm in experiementing to find out what level works best for the individual.

Amber, I admire that you've done a deep dive into your own nature for years, and still have love in your life, and select friendships, and family connection too. I remember when you were overwhelmed by Hol's demands, and how skillfully you use assertiveness plus analysis to claim your own oxygen.

OT: I've started to think that part of the reason I let the house's condition collapse this spring was that I was unconsciously building a wall, behind which I was rebalancing. Sure has helped that I now have BN in my life. That friendship is thawing me. I still haven't invited him over and he's put exactly zero pressure on me.

hugs
Hops

There are introverts who can socialize but they decide not to.

Then there are the insecure, unskilled, fearful types who hide out and they also get labeled introverted.

Thing is if someone is or isn't an introvert at the same time social skills have value.

Also I think people are tribal animals and it's unhealthy to be fearfulverted. It's immature to be fearfulverted. Because you see in the case of fearfulvertedness one is not making a choice so much as following the path of least resistance.

It feels like a segment of my brain just fell asleep I took an allergy med. Okay so what am I saying. idk

Spending time alone was forced on me in childhood so I don't know what my "true" nature is. I always defaulted to what was easiest and doing nothing about it was easiest and explaining it away was easiest and lying to myself was easiest.

I'm just surprised that so many people make friends effortlessly.

[Dirty Hippy]

Today I managed to go get an xray of my foot. It's not interesting really. I've had something going on with that foot since high school basically when I was trying to do martial arts class some dude punched my foot. It never healed right. Then I got a second injury to that foot. It creates a type of chronic low level pain that I ignore.

Thing is I had fantasy hopes of being able to hike more this summer. So far it's not really happening. In any case I have insurance at the moment and I had the time so I thought I should go. It's not a big thing and I am sort of wondering like do I deserve to care about a small thing. In any case I got that done today and it ended up being easier than I expected once I got past the unhelpful receptionist who said "I had to wait" and all that so I asked her "do you happen to know what the wait time is? She called the dept and they said 10-20 minutes. I guess I am an old lady and I have to manage people. I have to ask "Am I checked in?"  They say "no you are not"  And then I have to say "can you check me in" blah blah blah whatever.

Apparently lead aprons are outdated now and they don't use them anymore - see I'm getting old.

I feel like I didn't do much today and yet I feel MORE MOTIVATED when I get stuff done. It breaks my inertia.

Still slowly reading this book the adult children of emotionally immature parents. I'm under-lining stuff. I've torn the book apart into segments because I didn't want to haul around a whole book smashed into my purse. It looks so destroyed now. The previous owner can know I've gotten every ounce and page and word of usefulness out of this book though. Thank bezelbum for second-hand self help books.

It's night time. I poured a beer. Apart from the lekking males in their loud cars and the fireworks out the window it's sort of peaceful. Maybe I will go to sleep around midnight. Whatever it's a holiday.   

[Dirty Hippy]

I'm sort of desperate for art projects. Had gone to an art museum type thing a while back and they had a public making art session going on that I accidentally walked into. Once the teacher lady got out of my way I went into like a tunnel vision of art -focus. This must be something leftover from my childhood. Maybe it's weird. I made a few little art things there with their silly supplies and went home feeling desperate DESPERATELY in need of making stuff. I just don't need STUFF. I have no place for stuff. I have no space for the STUFF required to make stuff.

Anyhow. That day of course when I got home I was trying to figure out how to make larger versions of the project and how to make the tools to make the larger versions etc etc.

What is my point. Today I came across a couple instructional patterns for making little stuffed toys. I left the info behind. I'm not hoarding creative supplies. There was actually a free mini sewing machine I had seen a while back and I passed it up thinking something was probably wrong with it.

Anywho. I want to make something. I don't care if it's making socks, if it's making useless bird houses, lampshades, toys, sigh ---

It actually stresses me out. It's like being constipated. Should I admit to that. Well I did.

[Hopalong]

I went on a papier mache binge and made fantasy busts of people.
I loved doing it and felt joyful the entire time.

Used a big bottle as the base with some crumply brown paper and a bit of wire.
I recommend not making your own mache though, roaches loved mine, LOL.

Birdhouses are not useless! CHIRRRRPPP! I need a couple bat houses to help with skeeters.

hugs and sorry about your foot trouble,
Hops

[Dirty Hippy]

Paper Mache is pretty exciting Hops. Was looking at some just a few days ago dogs and frogs.

I've never made it. Did you keep the busts?

[Dirty Hippy]

- Went to church & after during the coffee break talked to an adult daughter and her mother. The mother barely talked and the daughter talked as if she were speaking for the mother I found this odd and not sure why they were like this. It was quite extreme as I would say something directly to the mother and the daughter would just answer for her. Oh well. It goes to show that family dynamics are really NOT all THE SAME.

- I put some lemon slices into water and drinking it with a book.
- A friend texted me today. I really only am down to one friend now since I had to ex the other friend.
- Friend wants to meet up next week but I'm not clear on what she wants to do as what she was talking about a couple weeks ago she no longer seems to be interested in that. I sent text back with various options and also if she doesn't want to do anything that is fine too.
- Just wish I knew more people who were motivated to get out FOR REAL.
- People seem to view friendship like a fast-food drive-thru.
- I am not going to be a snot about it but it seems I have to dial back my interest and enthusiasm. ?????
- On the other hand I did get into a political convo last night with a random stranger watching fireworks which wasn't adversarial.
- I need a social life. How do I meet people. Or the right people?

[sKePTiKal]

From where I sit, it sounds like you are meeting people. As for the "right people" - well, you'll go through a bunch of non-starters before you run across "a live one". Just the way it is, I think.

I'm pretty tired from the heat & company for the 4th - and in the middle of that we had a power outage, no AC, even with the genny running... B did our grilling, Hol & her company didn't show up until after we ate (3 sheets to the wind; she made a lovely peach, coconut milk, rum cocktail) and they stood at the counter and wolfed down all the hotdogs & burgers... LOL). Power was out from a possible tornado (or straight line winds) at our closest little town; lots of tree down. PotomacEd said power would be back by 11 last night, after 2 days out; came on at 8 and I woke up at 4 this morning to the sound of the genny kicking over & over & over again.... sigh. At least it won't be that hot today.

Contractors should be back today, to finish the railings on the new deck steps. It looks MUCH better and they have kicked butt to get it done in a short amount of time - work looks good too. It's a relief to me, because it was just about ready to go. Main structure was still solid, but all the deck boards needed replacing. This guy doesn't seal or paint... so either we do it, or I wait till next spring when the house gets resealed. That's the last of the upgrade/replacement cycle projects around here to get things shipshape for a decade or two.

Speaking of house projects - anyone heard from Lighter? Or is she off gallivanting around the world? LOL.
Hops - are you hanging in there with this heat? It's wiped me out for sure!

[Hopalong]

I kept one bust (he was a wild-looking gondolier, I think) until I saw a roach come out of his mouth. Don't make bug-friendly paste! I did, out of wheat flour out of ignorance. But I sure enjoyed him while I had him and so did everyone who saw it.

I mean, maybe an experimental artist somewhere makes marzipan poodles, dunno.
I'd love to do papier mache again. Supplies are nearly free and it's FUN. A good paste can be permanent, too. There are surely modern recipes online? Or cheap glue bugs hate? I gave most of the busts to people, which was fun too.

Creepy story about the daughter speaking for the mother, but I wonder if there was something medical involved? My idea for fresh friendships is less scrutiny and more making appointments to do something and see how it goes. That's how I managed online dating, anyway. Said sincerely in my profile that to me, the pleasure is in meeting a new person and hearing about their life, but I believed that if it's just a one-time try without the Big Click, I still enjoyed a nice cuppa coffee with a new person with a story to tell. I did enjoy meeting all those strangers, even when I'd usually conclude I would decline another date. (When that happened I'd write back gently and just say "I enjoyed meeting you, but realized that for me, there wouldn't be a romantic connection. But thanks for the time you spent with me, and the coffee." Then I'd right away block them, not from hostility but because I'd been clear up front about STOPPING being a fine, no-judgement choice for them or for me. I learned to never let a conversation drag on afterward online, once I'd made that choice.) I observed it helped both people relax, too. It's just as scary for them as for me. (Dunno why I'm droning on about men when that's not your topic, sorry.)

It IS hard to connect when you don't feel comfortable about it. I guess I think the best way is to endure the discomfort for the better goal of overall connection with more humans. I think if you keep it up, it'll pay off. I'm rooting for you, Meh.

hugs,
Hops

PS Amber, thanks for asking. I mostly go immobile in extreme heat, but since I spend too much time immobile anyway, it's not a huge change. As long as I know "this too shall pass" and the power doesn't go out (mercifully it hasn't) so I can sleep at some point with AC, I do fine. On the 4th it was 103 and I still went out to meet BirdNerd and his sister and BIL, which went very pleasantly. Nice people!

While I'm at it, I admit I'm catching feelings for him, and it seems reciprocal. Lots of scary passages ahead, intimacy maybe and having him here after the Great Cleanup. But so far he's been kind, thoughtful, communicative and more. Whew!!!

PPS - A big WOOT WOOT about the deck! Kudos. And I too have wondered if Lighter's okay. She better turn up and catch up, so we'll know. Yoo hoo, Lighter! Hope you haven't melted or been kidnapped by pirates, hon.

[Dirty Hippy]

I'm tired.

Before I read I am going to type something.

Went for a walk. Thought I saw unusual movement on a plant so I bent down thinking I might see a frog or a snake quivering the stems. I didn't see a frog. There was a fake silver necklace chain. I pulled on it and it came out of the greenery & there was a charm on the necklace. I thought the charm was corroded it didn't look right. I absent mindedly held it in my hand and kept walking. After a few minutes I glanced at it again and it wasn't corroded from the weather as I thought it was it's like my eyes saw it wrong the first glance. The necklace had an initial on it the first letter of my name. It is a cheap girl style sparkly necklace. I put it on for a while and then took it off. It's just weird that I bent down thinking I would find some little tree frog landing from stem to stem. I mean I am in the city. The odds are not that slim that someone is going to find junk. Just thought it was a funky coincidence.

The movement was flower blossoms falling off the plant not a frog.

[Dirty Hippy]

Sort of had a plan to go to an event but there is a bit of a dress code which usually I can fake my way through but I ditched my stuff which was in storage so I have not a lot which doesn't seem to usually bother me but now I can't even scrounge my way creatively to correctness.

Contemplating my rudeness and also how it's kind of rude to have a dress code. Also contemplating my priorities and energy level and my focus. My need to focus on more important stuff. Now If I had a fun event I would have a suggestion but it would be - dress how you like, formal, casual, whimsical. It covers everything and it says go for it.

This is dumb that I would contemplate this. I feel like I don't need friends who have dress codes. So I got to struggle with this. Do I want to go. I'd prefer to lean towards creative camp.

Then there are the shoes. It's not enough to find a dress one must also find the shoes.

I almost forgot what my point is.

My point appears to be stress.

[Dirty Hippy]

Once I get my adulting done.

IF I get around to it I might try to drop into a thrift store and put myself on extreme budget for a crap dress i would only wear once ugh. Needing to impress people with clothes doesn't impress me I am too old, too tired, too bored of it, dressed up too much for work for people who didn't give a rats ass.

The worst thing that could happen is they uninvite me or have a malfunction.

These are not real problems. These thoughts are not real thoughts.

I will sit on it but I need to also not bail at the last moment.

[sKePTiKal]

Find something that feels comfortable, looks reasonably "dressed up", and stop fussing. Dress codes can be part of the fun of certain events - Hol is going to a 20's themed house warming/wedding party. You are still YOU, regardless of your packaging... and who among that crowd has the authority to issue a "good housekeeping award" on your attire in the FIRST place??

Those people don't get to judge you, Hippy. That's where an experience turns "rude". I can remember kids doing that to me, simply because my clothes were home made. Then, I stopped caring about it... and then things got better.

[Hopalong]

Not only do twits not get to judge you, but if I ran the universe, YOU don't get to judge you! Wear a trench coat with nothing underneath and flash rude people.

Social anxiety sucks, any form of snobbery or exclusion sucks, and I completely love YOUR dress code. Dress for comfort and delight -- your own.

I wish you weren't in a just-getting-by financial situation. I feel it from some of our Village members and it sucks. Life's unfair but also wonderful. It all comes and goes.

Meanwhile, can't wait to hear about your next creative exploration. You are always an artist, imo.

hugs
Hops