What would you think about this comment?

[mum]

Onlyrenting:
I may be reading something into your writing that is WAY off.... if so, tell me, ok?  Or don't and just blow off what I say (I can take it!)

Do you want to divorce this man?  I read sometimes where you seem terrified and other times where you feel ok, or are willing to act the part (shopping, etc with him).

You know, you are allowed to want out of a marriage regardless of his physical or emotional condition.  He doesn't have to be a shit for you to be justified in wanting to have a life not being married to him.  
If you change your mind every time you see him being normal or kind, maybe you need to decide what YOU really want.

Have you made such a decision?  You are allowed to decide....(and to know that you haven;t yet.).  Keep in mind that not deciding is in fact, a decision.

I thought I could only leave my ex after he did something worse than the usual crap....I waited and waited and kept letting my own needs slide based on HIM all the time....I was truly relieved when he cheated on me the final time.  I felt I had a way out.  The reality is that I could have left at any time.  I just waited for it to be his "fault" in a major way. Just being so incredibly miserable should have been enough for me.

Hind site is 20/20, but if I had been honest with myself, years of his berating and abuse had killed my love for him long before we brokeup.  I would not hesitate to call a marriage over a lot sooner under similar circumstances (oh, wait, I guess I did that with my second husband when it became clear he hated my/all children.... among other things)...funny, I just "justified" that divorce, didn't I?

Anyway, I'm sorry if this confuses you more....but forget what everybody else wants or if you are going to pass some arbitrary justification (whose?) in leaving him.

If you want out, you want out.  There is absolutely nothing wrong with that...if you are miserable married to him, that is enough.  It's your life, too!

[onlyrenting1]

Mum,

I'm just tired today the whole battle of the N, the stress of the surgery, looking for the avenues to take for Divorce, getting ready to move, with or with out my H, my daughter and just the whole adjustment of what I'm about to change in our lives.  

I'm all the things I was yesterday, I have pushed so hard to understand all the new found informaiton about what it is I'm dealing with.
I have documented proff my H is an N. Not maybe but yes he is an N.

I'm going to be dealing with him, because of our daughter, what ever thoughts I can get accross to him now, while he is being human is important to us all.

It's been over a month since he has been home from surgery, we have not been able to talk about anything.
He has been very angry about everything, his life, his health and taking it out on us.


All I have read and understood, I know how I must continue to proceed.
comming to the realaztion of all of the above is a reality and will not go away.

However, MR Hide is here today and this allows me to just take a deep breath, I've been in high gear and just feeling I need to adjust to my new way of thinking about my life.

One good day for him will not change my mind that easy. It will not change for my Daughter, We are angry with him and have been under a lot of pressure from his actions. I need to communicate with him and after 26yrs of being married, I'm so much more aware of the road I must now travel.

so don't be alarmed, or think I would change my mind on a goal.
I think what Im learnning is you must evolve to a better way of life, I have already let go of who we once were as a family, It just may be a little rest from it all today.

My plans are to move, this was all of our plan until my H suddenly started saying how he did not want his family anymore. He had been in alot of  pain, being an N willing to dump his family at the drop of a hat.

It's because of this I'm understanding Why would anyone stay if someone will leave you like this. This is a classic behavior and will no doubt be in his character, But I have been married for 26yrs so this is the first time he has been willing to leave like this and been as hateful.

So my war is not over only the 1st part of my battle.

Not sure if this makes any sence or has any more understanding of the day I've had. Life here changes with the wind

please give me your thoughts.  onlyrenting.

[Anonymous]

onlyrenting,

Thoughts off the top of my head...

(1) I wouldn't take what he says at face value. He can't sustain one feeling or one decision for more than a few hours. What he says now will change very quickly.

(2) If he is nice today, how long can he sustain that? A few hours? One more day? It's obvious that he will become Mr. Hyde again given a little time. He cannot sustain good feelings.

(3) You may stay in the situation, move with him, or whatever. But realize that he is not a safe person. I know how stressed out you are and how hard you've been working.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Hi Onlyrenting:

26 years is a long time to spend with one person, isn't it?  After that long, people get very used to eachother just being around, even if a lot of the time the relationship is more like room mates who don't really like eachother all that much, rather than people who are married and love each other.  It's like a habit, after awhile, and ending it is like breaking a bad habit.  Not so easy but doable.

This man said he would shoot you.
He calls you horrible names and accuses you of whooring around on him.
He ruins holidays and special moments by being nasty and does not ever appologize (am I right?).
He lies to others about himself and his family.
He "hates" his daughter, remember???
He's concerned with himself and his own needs only, it seems.

I'm sure you have not forgotton these things Onlyrenting.  I'm sure you could make a list that is very, very long about all of the things this man does, and has done, that are hurtful to you and your daughter.

Make that list, Onlyrenting.

And keep it handy to refer to when you feel like you might change your mind, or when he is somehow able to con you into "communicating" for a day or two.    This communicating is most likely another last ditch effort to stop you from leaving him, to help him stay in control.

Is this the example of what marriage is.....that you want to set for your daughter?
Are you in love with this man and want to spend the rest of your life with him?
Is the relationship an enjoyable, give-and-take (equally with eachther), caring, considerate, honest, respectful, one of sharing and growing together, in which both people are interested in eachother's needs, not just their own?

Sometimes we have to do things that our children don't want us to do because it is the right thing to do.
Sometimes it is very difficult to do that, knowing that they will not be happy about it, or with us.

Not many children "want" their parents to divorce.  They want things to work out and to just be a happy family.  Your daughter will fall much more easily for your husband's conniving con-job because she is a child and because he is her father and no matter what, she wants his love and cares about him.

It's a hard thing to leave any marriage and especially after so long.  You are doing a great job making plans and seeking information.   Don't let him trick you.  Stick with your plan.

((((((((Onlyrenting))))))))))

GFN

[Anonymous]

Only:

The hardest thing in life is change.  Even in a negative environment you "know" where things are.  I also was in a 25 year marriage, that had long been over.  It is scary.  However, as I have pointed out, you have a long time to live.  Do you really want to continue on this way?  If so stay.  If not, you have got to take the plunge not just for yourself but for your daughter as well.  

If you will look, your situation did not happen overnight.  There were many antecedents.  It was an insidious thing.  Many thoughts come to mind.  

"Well it is really not as bad as all that".   "It is just my imagination, see he is doing fine today."  "I don't know how I will support myself".  "What if  he follow us".  We use all these things to rationalize why we stay.  As someone had mentioned before, in reality we could have left at any time.  It is just fear of the unknown, change.  The bottom line is are you willing to wake up every morning, to look in the mirror and say "Is what I am doing the right thing".  If staying is right, then you will be pleased with what you see.  If not, then you will continue to be fearful, stressed, unhappy, unloved...............  Patz

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny, GFN,


Thanks for your thoughts,
I have 16 pages of writings on this thread, I have it to remind me of my sequence of events, things he has said about us and his reactions, I will read it to remind me of all of the above.

I still slept on the couch, my H- didn't want me to, but I did. I'm not going to give in that easy.

I guess I'm making my window to escape, like in MUMs dream.
after the anger, the hurt, you begin to know what you must do,
I'm seeing a very narrow window, want to make it big enough for two.

My H- has never been physical, when I have told the authorities, people I have talked to, they give me the impression, he is in alot of pain, on meds, he's just blowing steam, would not likley do it. You all here understand, but most people I'm dealing with are not with me on this.

Most people don't understand what an N-is, I'm learning I'm still here and
only took a day-off of the anger,fear and sadness, hurt. Feelings are always changing.

I know what my reality is, just decided not to show my fear, I think the N's can sense it and stay hostile, maybe if I stay calm and do what I need to do I can keep him off his guard.

Can I get some feed back on this thought

STAY WITH ME PLEASE, THIS IS ONE DAY AND IM ONLY SHARING HOW I WAS FEELING THAT DAY, THINGS CHANGE LIKE THE WIND HERE.

ONLYRENTING

[Anonymous]

We are not going anywhere Only.  It is an emotional roller coaster right now.  You must continue to keep on keeping on.  Patz

[mum]

Onlyrenting:  Absolutely, positively with you!  I hope my post didn't cause you more trouble.  You are doing a remarkable job here.

 You are in a storm, that's all.. If you understand that, you can pull yourself back to the eye, where it is calm.  To do that you will need to breathe in any negativity and let it go.....then refocus on what you WANT. How would having what you want FEEL inside?  What emotional feeling would you have it it were a done deal?
Now focus on that feeling and you will start (you already have ) bringing it to you.  If you focus on the confusion, the storm, and feel that all the time, you will have more of the same.  Letting go of the crap on a regular basis is key, though, or you have no room for the good stuff!
It all starts with INTENTION, so knowing that you intend to let it go will be necessary.  Knowing what you want is always essential to creation.

If you want, I can elaborate on this rather simple ABC process of changing energy.  I do it in my body all the time and it has changed my life.  It's easier than it sounds and not all that "whitelight/airy fairy", either.

[onlyrenting1]

Mum,
send me these steps if you like, I'm open

 

I can elaborate on this rather simple ABC process of changing energy

Mum, I was stepping out and willing to take what ever reaction I got.
I know Im in a storm of emotions, I know this is a journey and I will stay with my goal to have a happier life.

Part of being honest with the my ups and downs, allows me to see where Im weak. Dealing with the weaker areas of my life will give me more confidence, try to laugh at myself, learn, move on, be aware from others of what I may not see.

I risk being dissapointed in myself and sensing dissapointment in others.  
Why did I feel this way? I don't have all the answers just that I did.

I'm evolving, a work in progress and changing daily. I have childhood N-Mother Issuies. I don't understand sometimes why I do what I do and may fall down sometimes, but I won't stay down for long.

I have an address for the Salvation Army and will go buy and speak with them and check it out.
I will be looking into a support group on abuse, these people may be a better resource for me. I would  meet other women with children and see what is available and with some better understanding on what to do and where to go.

Don't give up on me ......I'm here to learn and grow ...onlyrenting

[serena]

You are doing a great job!!!   OK - 26 years of marriage 'matters' but not if it has been abusive and related only to your husband's 'needs'.  

LOOK AFTER YOURSELF - It's very difficult to become your own 'parent' but ask yourself this:  "What advice would you give to a close friend of yours in the exact same position as this"............

Stand outside of yourself for a moment and answer this question.

My best regards

[onlyrenting1]

Serena,

Thank you for responding.

I know I want to dissolve my marriage. If I do this today or next week or whenvever it needs to be done.  this it is my goal. I'm working on it and have not changed my mind on this. If I choose to be kind to my H for the sake of being in the same house and for my D then I will do this.

The day to day road to get there makes me worn out. Somedays the anger and  the hurt, turns into calm and rest.
I don't understand it, just a fleating feeling.

I know my H- will do his N behavior I don't want this in my life.
I need to stay on the same track, the train I'm on had it's whistle blowing and speeding so fast I just needed to stay on the track just turn down the whistle and slowed down my speed a little.

onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Only:

You are doing a great job.  Just continue to make those connections for support.  I am very proud of you for the hard work  you have done.  Yes, you have some to go but if you look at the larger picture for a moment, you are already on the boat and it is beginning to float downstream.  Look at the  progress have you made in realtion to say 6months or a year ago.  If you look, you will see you have made progress emotionally and mentally.  It is the first step to letting go.

Much love, Patz

[onlyrenting1]

Today I checked out what a quick place to run to would cost me, I learned  if I join the AAA I can get discounted rates, costing me 70 a nite.

My D made me feel alot better today, she said if we need to move she would and she knows we may need to leave for a hotel and to be ready.

Below is my H's WEB Chat room, I can't get him to talk to me so I come here to read,never knowing what I will find.

I see he does understand about me wanting to get working in Dallas and he knows what I want and what's in it for him.

But I think he knows divorce is pending and he will no doubt not let me have what I want, so I see he understands I will have to go without him, as he states wanting to be a Super Bachelor, letting us move on without him.
how he will make a living on SSI I don't know. He must have plans.
I'm reading other post and find if I file for divorce here I may not be able to leave the state. I think I would be better to file in Dallas where I can afford to live get him to agree to let us go and file later.

I don't see all the questions and what the soft hearted comment is related to
He  knows he is selfish, this is intresting.
(Im mrs joe) (Lil dreamer is our D)

I don't think I could do that I'm too soft hearted
Sun 20th 02, 05 | 18:30

Maybe I'll send them & be super bachelor here
Sun 20th 02, 05 | 18:03
pierre
I need to look at what I type !! Looking back at everything I regret. It boils down to selfishness I don't wanna be on my death bed thinking I didn't let her & Lil Dreamer have a chance at a better life. I have enough to get a nice pool home . Rightnow she needs her own Bath room & a compairable house is 500,000 here & only 120,000 there
Sun 20th 02, 05 | 17:59
pierre
It's really my brothers deal. I'm gonna start to manage his rentals. he has almost 50. Hes gonna pay me. Then he will help me ( cause he has bucks) buy some in groups) Mainly it's Mrs Joe & her move to corp headquaters I would feel selfish if I denied her
Sun 20th 02, 05 | 17:57

I will be saving this with my other notes.

onlyrenting.

[mum]

Onlyrenting: just a note to let you know how glad I am to hear from you.  Keep on hanging in there. Sending you light.

[Anonymous]

Sending you a big ((((HUG)))) Onlyrenting!

How are you doing?

GFN