What would you think about this comment?

[Anonymous]

onlyrenting,

Your daughter would likely welcome divorce as a relief from the daily abuse her father dishes out. He may *think* he's only abusing you and not her, but that isn't the case. He's abusing everyone in the house. If she keeps seeing these interactions, it becomes her role model for her own marriage.

bunny

[onlyrenting1]

Bunny,

I agree I need to find myself in a better marriage to show her that this is not the way a marriage should be.

onlyrenting

[onlyrenting1]

Christmas day my husband had this sound system set up.

 Just finding a lie and wanted to face it and also share. in my prior thread he had gotten upset and gave my gift to him to our daughter. Maybe it was his guilt about the sound system.  

I asked him if it was new?  He lied said no he bought it along time ago and just put it away in his storage.

I checked his web stie message board and found this note to his friends.
He took it back to his storage place the next day so there wouldn't be any disscussion about it, I guess.

N-H wrote:

santa got me a new sound systen THX or what ever, it's much better than dolby 5/1 I watched I Robot on it the sound track was better than the movie, then i noticed how few DVD's offer it they all offer 5/1 but only a few have THX

Just another N-lie...onlyrenting

[onlyrenting1]

Happy New Year!!!

Hope all had a great new year.

Just to let you all know My Dauther and I went with her friend and her mother to dinner and then exchanged gifts in the lobby of a very festive Double tree hotel. It was a lot of fun.

We invited my N-H but he didn't want to go.  He wanted to go with only us two, I explained I wanted to spend time with friends and the more the merrier, he didn't want to feel like the 5th wheel.
I asked twice and felt no guilt when we got home after midnight and he was stilll up and  home alone.  

We will see how today goes. I see My N-H is cooking something hoping it won't end up in the trash if he decides to be pissy.......

Note on information on his message board

Today I see he's telling friends how he wants to buy an expensive TV but for now he has spent so much on our aniversary he can't afford it.
Very Intresting

 

N-Husband

I've been comparing pices circut City is cheaper than best Buy & The Good Guys $ 5800  
Fri 31st 12, 04 | 23:57
 Pierre
I'm gonna take Mrs Joe & lil dreamer to Dave & Busters for dinner , & I just spent too much on my 26th anniversary so I;m tight. I WANT THAT SONY HD WIDESCREEN !!!!!!  
Fri 31st 12, 04 | 23:55
 Pierre
is it really almost 2005. New years Eve? I'm gonne b 30 again pretty soon  
Fri 31st 12, 04 | 23:51

1. What he wants no disscussion with me.

2. He's on SSI after 5 years with little money and he wants something almost 6,000.  ( this can only be when he gets his inhertance)

3. how he knows it sounds great that he spent money on his Wife.

Funny.... 1st thing.... he said to me today,  he wants to see all my receipts on the bills I have paid and the food I have bought.


onlyrenting

[bludie]

Happy 2005 to you, too, onlyrenting1 --

Glad to hear you're spending time with friends and not hanging around the house getting caught up in N-drama.

I have lots of curiosity as to what my ex-N is doing and have a few ways of still tracking his activities but have resolved to NOT indulge my curiosity since I realize it really hurts me when I do this.

Although these are small steps, I DID NOT drive by his new place to see where he is now living. Although I had legitimate reason to be in his city over the holidays, and I had gone so far as printing directions on MapQuest, I sat in my car for what seemed to be quite a while upon leaving the airport. After some internal debate I decided it was turning a corner emotionally to NOT investigate his new environs. Although I am still curious, I realized that knowing more about his new life would lead to increased speculation, rumination, analyzing. Heck, with my luck, he may have walked out at the precise time I was driving by and that would have opened up a whole, new can of worms.

So I am pleased that I took this small step. The reason I mention this, onlyrenting1, is that I wonder whether tracking his Web posts feeds same? Perhaps it's different when you're married. But I wonder if this detracts from your efforts to detach....just a thought.

Best,
bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Hey Bludie

So I am pleased that I took this small step. The reason I mention this, onlyrenting1, is that I wonder whether tracking his Web posts feeds same? Perhaps it's different when you're married. But I wonder if this detracts from your efforts to detach....just a thought.

Happy new year, I know you are in an advance stage of this game and so I will consider your wise thoughts on this, to let go.

I want to let go and yet not blind to some important reasons to leave this relationship.

I have some thoughts on why I check on my husband.

1. to understand how his N-mind works without reservations from him.
2. I want to  look at what he may really believe about us.
3. to stay one step ahead of the N-game
4. to confront myself with his lies.

It was a long time before I ever belived my N-H was capable of lies.
He always appeared truthful and honest to me.  for years I thought "I don't think he has ever lied to me". I was and may still at times be Gulible.

I was hurt about the purchace of the sound system lie at christmas. We are in such a financial bind. His mind is on material purchaces When
We need to save every penny.

He didn't buy or do anything on our aniversary but to his friends he blames "all the money he spent on me" is why he can't buy what he wants.  

N's-lie and somehow to see it in writing makes me come to grips about where his heart is.  Being married you need to be aware about money.  He confronts me at every turn how I'm spending money.

Today my husband was upset about our money situation and was pushig for a fight. He told me not to worry about the rent and for our daughter and I to find another place to live. He was going to pawn everything so he could pay for the rent.
(He is worried about his surgery in 10 days and may backout wanting to blame me why he can't or won't have it done. I'm his STRESS)

I got off work, he appeared to be ok, I didn't talk to him about the rent.
I got our daughter and myself ready to leave without saying anything to him.

Anyway my friends Birthday was today, my daughter and I went to dinner with her and her daughter, we had a nice time.

AND I HAD NO GUILT ABOUT THE MONEY.

ONLYRENTING1

[Anonymous]

Like I said, onlyrenting1, it's probably different when married. The reason I bring it up is to help keep the focus on you and your recovery from all of this.

I was so accustomed in my last relationship to feel that the money was his even though he said it was ours. And, yes, it's very illuminating but painful to realize the dishonesty that rolls off the tongue of an N. I, too, thought my ex-N was an honest person because of his outward demeanor (and the fact that I try to be honest). But in the months during and after our breakup I can see the deception and know now that if it was easier to --- he lied -- if it achieved his agenda -- he lied -- if it made him feel superior or win the argument -- he lied. So on and so forth.

Glad to hear you had a nice dinner out with friends.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

Hi Bludie

Thanks so much for your efforts to respond.
It's like living near the train tracks at first the rummble and noise is disturbing but after a while your brain says this has no affect on me anymore, the shock value is over.

Bludie wrote

And, yes, it's very illuminating but painful to realize the dishonesty that rolls off the tongue of an N. I, too, thought my ex-N was an honest person because of his outward demeanor (and the fact that I try to be honest). But in the months during and after our breakup I can see the deception and know now that if it was easier to --- he lied -- if it achieved his agenda -- he lied -- if it made him feel superior or win the argument -- he lied. So on and so forth.

Soon I will not even care to look at the devistation. I will accept it move on with little or no thought or time spent to figure out why someone thinks this way. I appreciate your efforts to keep me focused on myself
I know it will take a lot of mental effort to change my way of thinking.

Thank you so much onlyrenting

[littlebird]

"I agree I need to find myself in a better marriage to show her that this is not the way a marriage should be"  Don't agree..studies have shown that women are MORE unhappy in marriage then on there own.  Not saying that this is right or wrong but what is wrong is that you are unhappy in this relationship and N's don't change so there will be no light at the end of this particular tunnel. Maybe it would be better for your daughter to see you have light-hearted fun with a few not serious boyfriends (if you leave this marriage), and for her to see that people will come and go throughout life and that it is not a big disaster for this to happen. I don't believe that people should stay in bad relationships for the sake of the children and I think one stable parent is far better then two unhappy parents.

The main thing is however, that he sounds like he just wants to ruin everyones fun just because at times he realises that the world does not revolve around him.  You sound like you are doing well though and managing to treat him like the child he really is.  I think that usually with N's this is impossible, there is simply no pleasing them and victims spend (no waste) sometimes many years of their lives trying to make it work when nothing will work.  From reading your posts I have every faith that you are getting ready to make a change for the better.

[onlyrenting1]

littlebird

From reading your posts I have every faith that you are getting ready to make a change for the better.

Thank you so much for your encouraging words to me.

Living with an N and having this as my only place to bounce off my state of mind, I appreciate the encouragement.

Please know any perspective to get me going in a healthy direction means alot.

I can't expect to jump into another  marriage before my daughter is 18teen, If I find some great role models I will be happy for now.

I have an agressive role model search as an ongoing goal in my life as we speak.

 thank you again, I'm in a battle for my mind and soul and want to know I have a chance to win once in awhile.    Onlyrenting

[littlebird]

Your stories of how he tried to put a downer on the xmas festivities amused me...theres nothing like xmas to bring the N temprament out of hiding.  Xmas being a time for GIVING presents and SHARING joy.  the N just sees no point or profit in this because it dosn't involve GAIN for him. Infact it involves a DEFICIT of attention for him.  Being so wary of N's as I am, I decided a few years back not to have them around me in any shape or form near Xmas which is a special time for me and my daughter.

Mind you, an N knows no happiness anyway even if someone came and hit them with a big happy hammer, they would still be miserable scrooges,
Bah Humbug and all that!

[onlyrenting1]

Littlebird,

I really hope you had a nice holiday. How old is your daughter?
If you're a single parent my hats are off to you.

I have been working on steping out of my comfort zones.
I guess a scary part for me is having a 12yr old and the way the world is today with child molesters and the like, having strange men around her worries me.  If we do move to Dallas, she will have her cousins and family, They are great role models.  I can start with that and grow from there.
 
   
I did invite my N-Husband to go on  New years, but I think it was best as you say

Mind you, an N knows no happiness anyway even if someone came and hit them with a big happy hammer, they would still be miserable scrooges,
Bah Humbug and all that!

I like the "Happy Hammer" quote...I think I may wrap one up with a bow and all and put his name on it ...

littlebird  Thanks for your time to reply....Onlyrenting

[onlyrenting1]

It's the weekend and looks like the begining of D-Day.

The N-is puffing around packing his stuff like he's ready to move. His car won't start and he can't leave like he wants right now. I offered a jump he said no...He's been trying for over an hour.

He was pissy and started in about how I'm the whore then the next minute because I question him I'm Gay he's the man and not to question him. Where's the Happy Hammer? (as suggested by littlebird)

I'm not taking the bait, everytime He comments how I better save my money and he's bought the food and not to eat his stuff.
I told him "to bad I'm not going to starve for him."
But I'm so N-numb not saying much or reacting like I even care.

I was disappointed he's not leaving now He said he was leaving after Feb. 1st. He says he will live like a King and I'm getting nothing.

Our Corp Office left me a message to call them on Monday.
I really need to move to afford to live.  He doesn't know they called me and I don't know for sure what they will say....Please say some big prayers for me. I need a big raise and help to come up with the money to move.

I e-mailed his brother to let him know I will not commit to moving or buying a house with my N.
I can move and get a job and if he wants to help me with a rental, ok. I let him know that my-N will not allow his help
and there could be no mention if he wanted to help us.

I decided to send some N data I found on the links offered by Bludie, His comment was this is his brother and he believes he does have problems.
to let him go and not force anything on him. I have no tears...just sad that he can't see those that wanted to care.
He clues me in on how his parents were poor role models for my husband and he is turning like his own mother.
 
My N-will go in on Monday for his pre-op. then Wed. the 12th he will be in for 5-6 days. (rest  for us)

[bunny]

onlyrenting,

It sickens me that this "man" (term used loosely) calls his wife and the mother of his daughter a whore. I can't wait until Wednesday.

bunny

[Anonymous]

Onlyrenting1,

Although your day didn't get off to a pleasant start witn the N machinating  around the house, I have to thank you. Each time I start to reminisce about the fascade-laden 'good times' with my ex-N, one of your posts reminds me of what daily life was actually like.

The name-calling is awful. You sound steadfast in trying to detach from it. Maybe another time for you and your daughter to go get an ice cream or watch a movie? I hear the "Meet the Fockers" flick is quite entertaining.

Hang in there and keep posting. I am very much hoping you hear good news about your job.

Best,

bludie