Hello, and thank you so much, Eloise, Bunny, Blue Topaz and Bludie, for your kindness in really hearing me and sending your support. It has really lifted me up.
A year of not speaking to my ex has given me the strength to not reply to his messages, now or in the future. I have a degree of self-protectiveness now which was totally absent during our relationship. At that time, for five years, I never thought of my own emotional wellbeing....I would quite literally have done anything for him,and somehow I lost my own character, which is quite a cautious and thoughtful one.
It has struck me that the text messages he sends me at random are so easy for him to send. He doesn't put himself on the line emotionally by phoning or by crossing the city to see me, he doesn't ask how I am or do anything to jeopardise his new relationship, and he doesn't even spend anything on me.
Another weird thing is that often the way he words these messages seems odd, as Blue Topaz picked up on. Often on the first reading they seem full of love and concern, but then as I reread them ,I see other possible meanings.(Maybe that's just me, obsessing.)
I am so annoyed with myself that after a year of no contact on my part, I still feel that he is in my bloodstream. I am doing what I feel is right, mixing with other people, working hard and well etc, so why does he still feel such a real part of my life? Your comment, Eloise, that it took years to stop missing your ex, was heartening for me because maybe I am not crazy after all, to still miss mine, and to know that I am in excellent company!
Another thing I have to get my head round, is that if the relationship was about him manipulating me, (and I really liked your image of a shunt, Bludie,) then were the good times which I miss,just a sham? Why would I love to feel again the way I (sometimes) did when we were together?And why do I feel mean, especially for not replying to his Xmas greeting, if there is a chance that he is just a total manipulative jerk, who never had a high opinion of me? (In fact,why is it so difficult for me to think badly of him, full stop?)
Thank you for letting me get all these questions off my chest! I feel close to tears writing all this down. Although in many ways I have a new strength these days, this break-up has really got to me, and for a far longer time, than any other I have ever been through.
THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND UNDERSTANDING!
Wishing you all the very best,
Lara.