What's going on?

[Lara]

Hello everyone,
Although my situation seems less serious than many of you are having to deal with, I wonder if anyone could help me deal with the confusion.

I had a lengthy romantic relationship with a guy with a lot of very narcissistic traits. For years I was his emotional and often financial support;he was very volatile,moody, and always facing one problem or another. I was out of control of my own feelings;I seemed to be programmed in some way to only respond to his needs.

Last Christmas he met a new woman, quickly became committed and moved in with her. By this time I was seriously depressed. I told him that we could not stay in touch as friends.

Most of this year I have spent trying to regain my emotional equilibrium, and succeeding to some extent, but also missing him. I have had absolutely no contact with him, and for eight months I heard nothing from him,even though he knew that I had been seriously ill physically.

Then out of the blue, three months ago, he suddenly sent me a text message to say he still loved me, and I have had two more since, the last one two days ago to wish me a Happy Xmas. I haven't responded to any of them...but I am so puzzled...why is he doing this now? It's like he is sending the messages in a vacuum, because he doesn't actually phone, or suggest meeting.

I feel confused;it's as if he hasn't noticed that I don't respond, or that we haven't spoken for a whole year. I also feel as if  I had been coming to terms with the relationship being over, but that somehow it isn't in his eyes.

If anyone can help me understand what he's doing, I'd be really grateful.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lara,

I had a similiar experience several years ago.  My guess as to what has happened.....his other woman has gotten tired of his behavior and has kicked him out.  My guess is that he had no other iron in the fire and so he has decided to see if there is anything left to get from you.  

If I were you, and I know it's not easy, I would think carefully about how difficult the last 8 months have been and if you really are interested in rekindling a relationship that doesn't sound like it was very satisfying.  The only time the N's in my life come around or are "nice" to me is when they aren't getting their needs met somewhere else.  I read something on a web site about N's and I try to always remember it.  It said something like "Don't worry when they are being mean to you but if they start being nice to you....run like hell because it only means they are setting up for something really nasty."  

I don't mean to be rude and I know in our hearts we want to believe that they have changed or have finally seen what good people we are and want to make it up to us but in my experience, it is just that they think we are weak targets and they can get some more from us....money, support, sex, whatever!

I understand your feelings, I really do.  It took years for me to stop missing my N...even after all the mistreatment.  I know it was what others have said on this board...I really missed the man I first met..charming, loving, and caring but that was all a facade designed to reel me in and was not the real person at all.  The real man was the one who borrowed money and when I refused to loan any more just stole it, blatantly cheated on me, etc.  I had to mourn the wonderful man I thought I had met just as if he had died because he never really existed.  

If it were me, I would completely ignore him and keep working on myself the way you have been doing.  Wishing you well.

Eloise

[Anonymous]

I agree with Eloise. His new woman probably set some boundaries on him, wouldn't give him money, broke up with him, or something. I believe he wants something from you (my guess is money). So he's starting to reprogram you through these mysterious messages to be curious about him. My advice: don't be curious about him and don't respond to anything he writes or says. He is not a good man and doesn't have good intentions in my opinion.

bunny

[Blue Topaz]

Hi Lara,

I just wanted to be yet another voice out there that is saying the same as Eloise and Bunny so you can see very clearly by unanimity, what your ex. is doing.

You are right to question the "healthiness" of his messages.  If they feel weird to you than it is for a reason. They are, and your intuiton is telling you that something is off.  

I agree to keep ignorning. I don't know if you find this very hard (as gladly, you say you have been coming to terms with the relationship being over) but the initial contact after zero contact for a long while can be tempting.

If it is for you, just try to remember how strong you have been getting via the zero contact (there is nothing like it for healing is there!).   When I did zero contact with my ex. I never dreamed in a million years I could have the kind of detached feelings from him that I began to have.  

Zero contact changes ones perspective completely, and I'd be worried for you that contact with him again could run the risk of putting you all the way back to square one emotionally in regards to him.  

Best wishes.

BlueTopaz

[bludie]

Lara,
I concur completely with the posts above and want to emphasize the power of silence. Tempting as it is to even find out what he is up to, you run the risk of being sucked back in....Ns are clever and they'll revert to old sources of supply when an existing one has left and a new one hasn't been tapped into yet. You may want to read Flicker's posts from last week. It appears she had a similar situation with her ex-N and her experience sounded very painful.

I often now try to envision my ex-N like a shunt that wedged its way into my heart and mind, drained me of everything I had, then left me virtually lifeless.

Best,
bludie

[Lara]

Hello, and thank you so much, Eloise, Bunny, Blue Topaz and Bludie, for your kindness in really hearing me and sending your support. It has really lifted me up.

A year of not speaking to my ex has given me the strength to not reply to his messages, now or in the future. I have a degree of self-protectiveness now which was totally absent during our relationship. At that time, for five years, I never thought of my own emotional wellbeing....I would quite literally have done anything for him,and somehow I lost my own character, which is quite a cautious and thoughtful one.

It has struck me that the text messages he sends me at random are so easy for him to send. He doesn't put himself on the line emotionally by phoning or by crossing the city to see me, he doesn't ask how I am or do anything to jeopardise his new relationship, and he doesn't even spend anything on me.

Another weird thing is that often the way he words these messages seems odd, as Blue Topaz picked up on. Often on the first reading they seem full of love and concern, but then as I reread them ,I see other possible meanings.(Maybe that's just me, obsessing.)

I am so annoyed with myself that after a year of no contact on my part, I still feel that he is in my bloodstream. I am doing what I feel is right, mixing with other people, working hard and well etc, so why does he still feel such a real part of my life? Your comment, Eloise, that it took years to stop missing your ex, was heartening for me because maybe I am not crazy after all, to still miss mine, and to know that I am in excellent company!

Another thing I have to get my head round, is that if the relationship was about him manipulating me, (and I really liked your image of a shunt, Bludie,) then were the good times which I miss,just a sham? Why would I love to feel again the way I (sometimes) did when we were together?And why do I feel mean, especially for  not replying to his Xmas greeting, if there is a chance that he is just a total manipulative jerk, who never had a high opinion of me? (In fact,why is it so difficult for me to think badly of him, full stop?)

Thank you for letting me get all these questions off my chest! I feel close to tears writing all this down. Although in many ways I have a new strength these days, this break-up has really got to me, and for a far longer time, than any other I have ever been through.

THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN FOR YOUR KINDNESS AND UNDERSTANDING!

Wishing you all the very best,
Lara.

[bludie]

Lara,
Kudos in letting this pass and not taking the bait. And you're wise, Lara, in acknowledging that the text message is a very one-sided, one-dimensional way of initiating contact. Not much of a risk or an emotional investment. The last few calls I received from my ex-N were queries about finances -- nothing personal or emotional. He instructed me to leave a message on his voice mail as if I was his personal assistant or scribe or something.

You're hurting, Lara, because you cared for him. And even though we realize the relationship was a sham, it doesn't change the emotional investment we made in that person. I believe this is what keeps me jammed up and remembering him even though he's not worth it and I don't want to...It hurts to have been duped. And because Ns are human beings capable of mimicking our own emotional landscapes, it led me to believe that we were soul mates because at first we seemed to have so much in common.

I, too, am relieved to hear other posters such as BT and Eloise reveal it took considerable time to get over their ex-Ns. Although I am making progress and am starting to heal, I still think of him often. Christmas was especially poignant being in the home we purchased and thinking of what could have been (and what he's now up to with his new squeeze).

But I bring myself back to reality with feedback such as Eloise's wise statement:

...I really missed the man I first met..charming, loving, and caring but that was all a facade designed to reel me in and was not the real person at all.

So with time, and the help of this board and counseling and books and journal-writing, and prayer/meditiation I truly believe I'll become a better, richer, deeper person after getting through this. I am remembering that when one is going through hell it's best to keep going to get to the other side. You are and will, too, Lara.

Best,
bludie

[new person]

I had a three year emotional relationship with a guy who was an N, though all I knew at the time I was in the relationship, I kept finding parallels between him and my mom - also, to be honest he didn't treat me well, so it may be different than your situation.

Regardless, one Thanksgiving he met another woman and he too became instantly involved and moved in.  I continued to hear for the next month, from him, then cut things off.  He called twice over the next year, both times acting as though, he was an old friend getting in touch - the first time I just sat on the phone dumbfounded and the second time, I just hung up.  I haven't heard from him since.  With all this said, I realized, that he called when he was too close to whoever he was involved with, or when he was going to make a move to get closer.  It's strange, and I don't need to analyze it, I just needed to cut it off, say goodbye and move on to healing from the upset and to me, abuse.  I have missed him at times, but for him to have done that, I know he really didn't care for me, and if I'm wrong about that, when he did call me, I believe he would have addressed it, not acted as though we were old friends.

[Anonymous]

It's strange, and I don't need to analyze it, I just needed to cut it off, say goodbye and move on to healing from the upset and to me, abuse.

It must be good to get onto the non-paralysis of analysis stage. Alas, I still find myself rewinding the tapes, examining, classifying, verifying perceptions. In other words, I am trying to sort out what happened so I really can move on. I'm afraid if I'm not painstaking about this phase, it will happen again (hooking up with an N). And I'm really not up for that ever, ever again.

Best,
bludie

[Lara]

Like Bludie, I admire your strength,New Person, in saying that 'I don't need to analyse it.' How did you manage to reach this decision, and to LIVE by it?

Although as I said above, I haven't spoken to my ex for a year, I do still think a lot about what happened and why...the same as you, I think Bludie, and I do feel for you. I also understand what you say about the fear of falling for another N; like you again, I felt so strongly that my ex and I were soulmates, that sometimes even now I wonder how I have managed to live without him for a year. There was a time when I thought my life would be over if I wasn't going through every experience and crisis with him.

I know that I have progressed and left a lot of the insanity behind,but I still feel somehow linked to him, even with only memories that are now over a year out of date. I sometimes wonder if this is because I don't seem able to have a consistent attitude towards him. Some days the narcissistic nature of so much of what he did (and is still doing now with these random messages?) hits me like a ton of bricks;but on other days I wonder if he was just misguided or out of his depth in the relationship. Can anyone suggest why it is so difficult for me to say, with Bunny, that he is just 'not a good man.'

Is it important for recovery (as opposed to self-protection in the future) to accept categorically that we have been duped by these people? And if it is essential, can anyone tell me how I can get my brain to this conclusion
?

Thank you for your wisdom, and I send you my thoughts and prayers for a more peaceful and less tormented New Year.

Very best wishes,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Hi Lara,

It sounds like you might benefit from seeing a therapist.  I found that having someone other than a friend ask me questions like "Why was that your responsibility?" or "Why would you accept treatment like that from someone?" was very helpful. I guess it seemed more valid to me than coming from a friend.

I experienced the same feelings as you...the ton of brick of things for one and also jealousy at his new relationship.....what was wrong with me that our relationship couldn't work when I tried so very hard and still he left.    

I didn't have a date for a year.  A friend had been trying to introduce me to a friend of hers for over two years but I resisted (various reaons).  Finally, after nearly 2 years we did meet.  

That was 12 1/2 years ago.  We've been married 11 1/2 years.  He is a WONDERFUL man and I can truthfully say that in that time he has never once called me an ugly name (he's never even said "you are acting like a B..."), he has never told me he hated me or threatened to leave me, he has been loving, supportive and caring and in all senses of the word, a true partner.  We've had our disagreements just like anyone but they are resolved in a healthy way.  Coming from my background, I am not sure how I managed to choose a healthy partner except that in those 2 years, I did a lot of soul searching, working on myself and hours and hours of prayer.  I read a lot of books and I talked to a therapist.

I've always said that God had a hand in the timing of our eventual meeting.  Once, I asked my husband what it was that made him want to marry me versus the other women he had dated.  He reeled off a long list of reasons....."you are independent and have your own friends and your own interests and are willing to let me share those with you, you love to be with me but you don't expect me to give up my friends and interests and understand, even encourage,  when I need some time with my friends, etc, etc...  As my husband worked his way down his list, it became quite clear to me that had we met 2 years earlier we would have had one date and then he would have turned tail and run because I didn't possess the qualities he was naming before...they came after 2 years of hard work on myself, lots of introspection and examination....not of the failed relationship but of MYSELF.  I had all of these problems (no healthy model of a marriage, desperate craving for love, zero self esteem) and had God not put this pathological N in my path, I don't think I would have ever gotten desperate enough to get help and make positive changes in my life.  It was the only the sheer depth of the pain I was in that forced me to get help.  For the last 13 years, I have thought of those 5 years of hell with my N as one of those "blessings in disguise".

I didn't write you all of this before because I didn't want to sound trite but after reading your last post I did want to say there is hope.   And I don't  mean hope that "you will find a man"....what I mean is, your life will change, you can be happy (with or without a man).  You are on the right path.  Keep working and don't be afraid to reach for professional help.  

After I got some help, I eventually healed a relationship with my father (absent from my life for 15 years) that has been an enormous blessing to me...through him I got closer to my half and step-siblings who now are a huge part of my life.  What I'm trying to say is...I didn't just "get a man"....I got my life back (or perhaps for the first time) and it is a happy one.  

I landed here on this board because of a crisis with my mother.  It was the one area of my life apparently I really feared to examine.  My therapist said my denial was very, very deep.   So back to the drawing board and work on this...which will again bring up old pain and issues but that's ok.  I know there can be a great blessing at the end.

I truly wish you the best on your journey and hope that will look for a professional to be your guide.  

Eloise

[Lavender]

Lara -

I broke up with my N boyfriend 8 months ago, and can relate to a lot of what you and others say, especially how you honestly felt he was a soulmate. I spent so many years constantly telling myself, "he's my soulmate, it must be a problem with how I'm viewing the situation or how I'm behaving," etc. Like many Ns, he managed to get me in a situation where I was alone - worked from home (I live overseas, and to have been able to be hired like a normal person, we would have had to marry... which of course he refused, using perfectly "rational" reasons!). It all changed when by complete chance - it all but literally fell into my lap - I got a temp position for a month at a wonderful place, where people *gasp* listened to me!

All of a sudden my seemingly perfect world came crashing down around me as I lived a sort of binary existence for a month: go to work, be appreciated, listened to, laughed WITH and treated like a normal human being. Get home, be denigrated, laughed AT, and treated like a worthless person who was lucky to be blessed with a man "willing and generous enough to take care of her."

And yet I can relate to what you say in your post, because I went through it just after I finally told him I was leaving:

I know that I have progressed and left a lot of the insanity behind,but I still feel somehow linked to him, even with only memories that are now over a year out of date. I sometimes wonder if this is because I don't seem able to have a consistent attitude towards him. Some days the narcissistic nature of so much of what he did (and is still doing now with these random messages?) hits me like a ton of bricks;but on other days I wonder if he was just misguided or out of his depth in the relationship. Can anyone suggest why it is so difficult for me to say, with Bunny, that he is just 'not a good man.'

Is it important for recovery (as opposed to self-protection in the future) to accept categorically that we have been duped by these people? And if it is essential, can anyone tell me how I can get my brain to this conclusion?

Those were exactly the questions I asked myself. The thing is, all of my life I've had pretty vivid dreams, including absolutely terrifying nightmares (I grew up with an NMom) and after my breakup, all of a sudden I stopped having the nightmares, and instead began having some of the most beautiful dreams of my life. This struck me as very curious, so one night I wondered in my journal why. Went to sleep and had a dream about my past relationship with my boyfriend! BOY did it ever jump start my brain to accepting I'd been duped and abused - I have never dreamt about anyone other than my mother and ex-boyfriend this way.

Basically, I saw us in a typical situation: him criticizing me for having no imagination when it came to planning weekend outings. Next to him was a blond girl with a nasty expression, who each time he criticized and said something just plain old cruel, would rip a leaf off of my favorite plant: a Chinese cane plant, which symbolizes life (that was one reason I'd bought it). She continued until the plant was all but dead (only the stalk remained), at which I finally said "enough, get out!" He stormed out, I was finally alone, and suddenly a new cane plant appeared!

Another simple yet eloquent dream I had post-breakup was of him feeding me poisoned soup every morning. Once I realized it was drugging me, I refused it and left, then found myself in warm sunlight, feeling totally free and happy. To summarize, I had not a single dream that said anything to make me want to return to him. So if you feel comfortable listening to your dreams, try that - they could give you insight on how your heart truly experienced the relationship, and that could help your brain get itself to the point where it accepts that.

[Om Hadi]

All of you are so lucky!  I can't say good-bye to my ex-N and his N mother like you can.  We have a child together.  I completely stopped all contact between us about 4 years ago.  The abuse had gotten so bad that they literally thew me over the edge with a nervous break down.  Now I have PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) because of them.  I have finally started talking to him recently in the past few weeks.  It's only because I am being forced to if I want to have any contact with my daughter.  We need to "co-parent".  Everytime I think of talking to him or hear his voice over the phone I have a panick attack.  

Om Hadi

[new person]

HI again, please understand, it has taken me quite awhile to integrate what all my analyzing helped me learn.  Today, I can say I'm not going to analyze it, because I spent time doing so, and believe I needed to - I may have reached a point of healing where I know for me, it's a closed subject - I lost myself, money, my emotional health and time - I could not afford to let him or the thought of him interfere anymore with my life.  I hurt and was depressed and cried and didn't know what to do with myself for the first year, it was hard and I'm in my second year, so the distance the time put between us has helped.  

The minute I catch myself starting to lull in the denial that allowed me to engage with him - as I approach new relationships - I give myself a time out and check in with what's really going on - and to be honest, I still meet N's, I just don't go out with them anymore, (or at least not for long).  

The little girl in me still feels some sadness at it not having worked out and a part of my heart feels hardened - with some anger, I believe - the hurt is there - I'm just hoping that time will help my heart to match what's in my head and I'll feel more whole again.

Thanks for sharing with me and Happy New Year, blessed with love, health and wealth to you too.

[Anonymous]

Eloise, I hope you receive the help you need here too but I want to tell you how much I for one value your wise voice!You have that certain something that can reach the heart of people.People can get a lot out of what you have to say so i hope you keep contributing.