Especially difficult for me to decide one way or the other after getting two more 'friendly' messages over the holiday period.
Hi Lara,
His intent is just that. To try to confuse you and weasel a way back into your emotions.
And why do I feel mean, especially for not replying to his Xmas greeting, if there is a chance that he is just a total manipulative
jerk, who never had a high opinion of me?
From having read your comments, part of it might be that you don't necessarily see him as a "bad" person, yet you have chosen to ignore him, and this might make you feel a bit bad and guilty. In other words, you seem to be struggling as to whether you see him as a "bad" person or not, so are not certain if the way you reacted to him was appropriate.
I sometimes wonder if this is because I don't seem able to have a consistent attitude towards him. Some days the narcissistic nature of so much of what he did (and is still doing now with these random messages?) hits me like a ton of bricks;but on other days I wonder if he was just misguided or out of his depth in the relationship.
Can anyone suggest why it is so difficult for me to say, with
Bunny, that he is just 'not a good man.'
It was, and is the same with me in not thinking "he is just not a good man" about my xN. There are different
types of narcissistic behavior as well as different
degrees of narcissistic behavior, from the psychopathic narcissist (the worst kind) to others. Because of this, and because of the hundreds of variables in personalities of N's, N partners and life situations, everyone's situation/experience with an N has differences.
In my case, my ex. had N traits. Because he had the emotional immaturity of a child as N's do, he behaved poorly
emotionally in the relationship. Interspered with a loving, intelligent, kind, considerate soul, was someone who gave the silent treatment, was distant for weeks, perceived rejection where there was none. I walked on eggshells as not to set off any issues he might find "sensitive" (which were truly benign things), and when we needed to talk,he twisted everything around to be my fault. We had many of the imfamous circular conversations N's are known to have, and things like gaslighting, splitting, projection (these terms are explained online) and other N ego defenses were a very regular thing.
But.... I also saw in this person, someone who did not want to hurt, but was out of control emotionally. I saw someone who was living with so much
fear inside and who was in such
deep emotional pain, so much so that he developed many traits of a personality disorder. I actually saw the tormented struggle he went through to try to think and react differently on the spot in some individual interactions we had, only to find his long-time programmed gut terrors taking over, causing irrational behaviors yet again. I was, and am sad for this, more than I am angry
at him, or think badly
of him. But even the saddness I feel for him is from the safe distance of having ended the romantic relationship.
Instead of my thinking "he is not a good man", I just think & know... He is not a good man
for me... This is just my feeling for my situation, and I only mentioned it because, I'm not sure, but it sounded like it at least might be a bit like yours. Maybe in the end you will come to the conclusion that you ex. is a "bad" person in many ways. I just wanted to be a voice that showed a different side for anyone who might feel differently. I have read other's situations and do see a lot more blatantly and harshly violent and abusive behavior, where I can easily see how it would have them feeling very differently about the N's in their lives.
My xN's main thing was that emotional intimacy scared the bleepers out of him, because when you open yourself up to someone on that level, you are the most vulnerable at that time. Being vulnerable means seeing past a facade to the real person, flaws and all. This is something that an N can't take. The concept of non perfection = thoughts of rejection, and failure, and their false image being permeated.
So, all this wild emotional junk came up at seemingly random times to me, when now I see there was really a "rhyme to the reason". It was at those times that he needed to create turmoil (which he knew very well led to emotional distance) because we were getting too close emotionally for him and it was bringing about his narcissistic defenses in full force, which was excruciatingly emotionally painful for him. In hindsight, how and why he reacted in specific situations is a lot more clear to me.
But I also did experience anger. I have been angry at him directly, indirectly, and vented my anger related to a lot of aspects of the whole relationship in general. That I don't think he is a bad person does not by any means, mean that I didn't have anger, or there were not consequences for his way of being.
Even with what I said, I also want add a small note to be careful regarding thinking of your ex. as misguided. We get
so jumbled up inside from dealing with N's that we come out not knowing which way is up or down. So we might be doubting our own feelings as to how bad things were, or whether some of it was our fault. Thinking that an xN is not a bad person
based on self doubts of the situation and
self blame, is not an accurate or healthy thing. If your feeling of inconsistency toward him is based on your own self doubts about how bad things were or if
you could have been different, then I would say this is a slippery, and unhelpful slope to travel down.
But if you can clearly see that your xN's behavior had nothing to do with you, that there is nothing you could have done to change it, and that it was horrible, unacceptable, irrational, hurtful, unfair, etc. in and of itself, and
then you wish to say he was misguided/ill and you don't find him a bad person per se, this is completely different. This second way, is exactly how I feel about my xN.
Is it important for recovery (as opposed to self-protection in the future) to accept categorically that we have been duped by these people? And if it is essential, can anyone tell me how I can get my brain to this conclusion
What is important to realize to move forward, I think, is that these people were and are ill with a disorder, that what happened was not our fault, and that there was or is nothing we could have done to change who they are or what they did. Second, examining via introspection (in a
non judgemental way) why we ignored red flags we saw early on, what we told ourselves that allowed us to put up with specific things, and as long as we did in many cases. Just self healing and learning about our own internal state. Third, to teach ourselves out of what we learned through introspetion, and what we learned in reading about personality disorders and abuse, to recognize the red flags for future relationships.
sometimes I have trouble deciding if he was abusive to me emotionally or not. Does withdrawing and being cold for several days at a time count as abuse? Does regularly arriving an hour late count as abuse? Does lecturing someone and not listening to their opinions, but then later claiming these opinions as their own, count as abuse?
According to literature on it, yes. Do an online search on "signs of emotional abuse" and other keywords like this, and you will be able to get some info. regarding what it is said that constitutes abuse.
Very much wishing you the best...
BT
