I guess I want to understand it wasnt me.

[bkkabri]

Hi,  happy new year.  I wish I could say I had a great one, but it was tough knowing that I wasnt with my ex girlfriend even after the hell she put me thru.  I am writing today because I realize that this is not a horrible dream, but a fact of life.  I guess I still hurt inside because I dont know what else I could have done to to  make this person realize that I was committed to the relationship.  I have done tons of research on the subject and I realize that the woman I met had alot of the traits of these people.  I guess I am still confused because I dont understand the sudden switch from a woman who seemed to together and enjoyed my company to somebody who resents every fiber of who I am and what I am about.  In her eyes I am a failure, I dont make enough money, I am not smart enough because I am not a doctor, I will divorce her because I dont understand pharmeucicals and wont enjoy their sales parties.  The list goes on and on.  No amount of love and support from me is going to be good enough, but I wonder why the new guy is suddenly the greatest thing in the world and why she doesnt condemn him like she did with me.  When I asked her why the problems she said she is insecure inside and that I made her feel that way.  I dont know how that is possible because all I ever did was try to talk to her about a future.  I read longtires letter and it touched so many problems we had with intimacy and other problems.  I guess I am wondering if and how anybody here gets past the hurt to beleive in love again.  All the dreams and hopes I felt for this person killed me inside because I had plans that she just crapped on all because I wanted a normal relationship that was 50/50 and growing together.  All she wants is a ring with a man who will take the back seat to her career and supply her with all love she wants without giving it back.  It really struck me how much she could care less when she said I dont usually date guys like you.  You were the only guy I dated that made me feel like I could let my hair down.  In a nutshell, I dont have any idea what the heck this meant.  I only know that I was used and it hurts like hell.

[Anonymous]

You haven't listened to a single darn word anyone has said to you over many, many repetitive responses to you!

What happened to the message header "I need to talk to a therapist?"

Do you have this process in motion? If not--why not?

After all the time everyone has taken to reply to you generously--I hope you will take a moment of your time to answer these questions--as inconvenient as they may seem.

[Anonymous]

bkkabri, your problems run far deeper than what this broken relationship is manifesting.
You're comfortably stuck, afraid of what else is lurking there inside of you. (re. your father, upbringing, whatever). With the help of a competent therapist you'll be able to move forward.
(Do you actually realise that you're stuck?)

[Anonymous]

Keyword worth highlighting: comfortably  stuck.  

That indeed- is the tricky part.If someone is comfortable in their stuck spot do they even care to entertain the idea they are stuck let alone getting out of it i wonder. how to penetrate that anesthesising barrier.

[Portia]

Hello guests above   and:

Hey Brian!

Yeah, I read all your posts and I noted your name honey! Right now I’m dancing my seasonal slouchy body around the room to George Michael and stopping every now and then to write to you. Why?   Why am I writing to you? Any idea?

Can you dance, have a sense of rhythm? Get some good disco/funk/swing/soul in your ears and feel that bod a little.

You were the only guy I dated that made me feel like I could let my hair down. In a nutshell, I dont have any idea what the heck this meant. I only know that I was used and it hurts like hell.

She meant: I like you because I can use you. She didn’t KNOW this consciously, it’s from HER PAST. It has VERY LITTLE TO DO WITH YOU as a whole person.

But yeah you were used and wowie, do you know? You have to ALLOW someone to use you.   Yep, you let it happen. You CHOSE to be used. Maybe your parents used you? To prop up their marriage? To compensate for their emotional problems? It hurts much more to know that our parents aren’t wonderful, perfect people than it hurts to be rejected in ‘lurrve’. It just might help you more if you think about you and your past, rather than obsessing about this ex-girlfriend. And we’d like it too, because to be honest, I think we’re bored to tears with hearing about that woman. She is boring Brian!

Here’s something really important that I understood for sure in the last year…..are you ready?

LIFE IS DIFFICULT

Yeah! Not just for you, but for all of us. And everyone’s problems are the biggest problems in the world for them. That’s part of what being human is about. Not taking it too seriously – knowing how to play and have FUN – is a skill we can re-learn to make life better. But it doesn't happen TO us, we have to make it happen.

But to have any kind of successful (happy/content/achieving) life we need to have relationships with other people. No! Not just lurrrve relationships, but everyday interactions, like:

“Hi how are you?”
“I’m a bit down, how about you?”
“I’m okay, wanna tell me your problem?”
“Okay, just a little, I don’t want to bore the pants off you.”
“Hey you can bore my pants off anytime as long as you listen to me when I’m down.”

Get the picture? Give and take, listening, reacting, connecting with each other.

Go get some music and tell us what you like to listen to. Or not. I really don’t mind either way!  Hey whatever…. ”you gotta have faith…oh yeah….” La la laaaaa…

[gardener]

Hi Bkkbri,
 I was thinking about you the other day when listening to the Genesis album I received for Christmas. With prompting from Portia... (music) the following lyrics just fitted your dilemma as I see it:

MANY TOO MANY Written by Tony Banks

Many too many have stood where I stand
Many more will stand here too,
I think what I find strange is the way you built me up
Then knocked me down again.

The part was fun but now it's over,
Why can't I just leave the stage?
Maybe that's because you securely locked me up
Then threw away the key.

Oh mama,
Please would you find the key.
Oh pretty mama,
Please won't you let me go free.
I thought I was lucky
I thought that I'd got it made.
How could I be so blind?

You said good-bye on a corner
That I thought led to the straight.
You set me on a firmly laid and simple course
Then removed the road.

Oh mama,
Please help me find my way.
Oh pretty mama,
Please lead me through the next day.
I thought I was lucky
Oh I thought that I'd got it made.
How could I be so blind? Oh no...

Back



We fall in love with a shell sometimes and put our own imaginations into that shell.
Now you know you were locked up, you'll know to search for the key....
The shell has removed herself from you and left you with only what you imagined to be within it.
I hope you find someone who can be real for you and encourage you to break out of this. I can see you're confused, but it's not your fault she is the way she is.  
As the title of the song suggests, you probably won't be the last one who is left feeling like this by her behaviour. From what you say, nobody will ever measure up to her father and that's sad for her and any man she ever meets.    She's probably more stuck than you seem to be.

She won't be the one to release you, she appears to have moved on.... You have to start looking around for the key yourself and get yourself free.

Be gentle with yourself, close the door on this person and learn to be with people who are more whole again. Open your windows and let in some fresh air, have a good spring clean of those memories, be ruthless with the cleaning and don't keep anything which holds you locked up. It might be hard to begin, but once you get into the flow you should feel much better.  Happy New Year!

[Anonymous]

We fall in love with a shell sometimes and put our own imaginations into that shell.

Well put, gardener, and so true. It hurts like hell when one fully realizes this. And just because we realize it doesn't remove the hurt and sadness unless WE TAKE ACTION.

I'd have to agree with the other posters, bbkabri, about ignoring the outpouring of positive help and suggestions. Perhaps you just need to stay stuck for a while but one thing is certain -- it's your choice.  Pain in life is inevitable; how long we suffer is optional.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

Bkkabri,
Your post is nothing but contradictions. You write that you know being with her was hell, but you still miss this hell. You say that you know there is nothing you could have done, yet you're beating yourself up wondering what you could have done. No amount of love and support from you is good enough, but yet you wonder what the other guy has got that you don't....I could go on.

I get the feeling that you enjoy mulling all of this through your head. You ask questions, realize there is no answer, then ask them again. You're going to spiral downwards into a depression that you may not be able to pull yourself out of. How about just chalking this up to "Live and Learn" and moving on. From what you've told us, this woman isn't anything to write home about, so why waste your precious time and energy going over this time and time and time again?

From what you write, it is very obvious that you have a very low sense of self-esteem. You seem to be a punching bag for her and that is ok with you. I have to agree with another poster on here saying that you need therapy for reasons other than this breakup. You've been writing about this topic for at least a month and you haven't made any headway, you're still stuck in the spin cycle of wondering what and why this happened. How about not worrying anymore about the why's of this breakup? Some things you will never figure out and that's ok. Get over this crazy woman! She's obviously gotten over you, so go on with your life now.