Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Still trying to detach

<< < (2/2)

Alan:
Clara:

Ask any question you want.  I just came from a very tough therapy session and pulled out all the demons.  Simply, I don't blame my soon to be xN for the problems.  I have been in therapy before, I work at it, dated a Psychologist for a number of years, read everything is sight.  I consider myself an Emotional Warrior.  It may take me a while to get somewhere, but, I wil get there.

So, when I entered the marriage, I had a good psychological basis and pretty much incorporated, balanced.  But, I hadn't finished my work.  I started to finish tonight.  

Tho I wasn't relieved to leave her (she forced the issue), after 2 months of being out of that toxic environment, I have returned to what I was before I met here.  A very good thing.  And the truth is that I saw all the signs for problems very early on in the relationship.  And my garbage, my need for connection with a female, caused me not to do the right thing.  I closed my eyes and also thought I could fix her.

You asked a very interesting question. And the truth is, before the s*** hit the fan mid summer, I was thinking about some sort of affair, either emotionally or physically.  My xN is one of the most beautiful women you could find.  And here I was starting the wandering eye.  

My emotional needs weren't being met, and bec. I was pressing her buttons, she cut me off sexually.  And she and I had a spectacular physical relationship until about a year ago.  She started to use sex as a weapon, inconsistantly, but a weapon, to gain control and punishment.

At one point, to try to compromise, I wanted to work with her, no more pressing for answers to my questions, I would accept what she would have to say without me attacking her on the whys and wherefores.  My thinking became if you are not capable of talking to me the way I needed, and not everyone wants to analyze at my level, I had friends I could turn to for that need.  I really believed that.  Our partners can't give us everything we need, I recognized that and was cool with my idea.  She said no, she didn't want me to do that.  So, I can't talk to you and you don't want me to go somewhere else.  I should have known then.

And a core belief of mine is, why be married and have affairs.

I don't know what I would have done sexually.  I have a healthy sex attitude, practice Tantra (understanding and healing thru physical contact), and we had actually agreed on how to balance our needs.  But, when put into practice, she couldn't live up to her side of the bargain.  More control.

In the end, the problems are with the Ns, not us.  They are incapable of giving anything permanent.  

I suggest you go to the radio site I listed.  It is an earfull.

Anonymous:
Thanks Alan.  We have a few things in common. I love to analyze and talk in terms of feelings and figuring things out.  And although I wasn't dating or married to a psychologist as you were -- I trained as one!! Yup, got a Ph.D. in psychology and still can't sort out my persoanl mess. Funny thing is, I never registered to practice because (I only realize now) the truth about my own deamons was too painful to face when being trained for  therapy.  I continued to be intereesteed in the profession though, and have writin on it for mags and a newspaper.

As with you, I definitely needed an outlet to think about things in more depth than I could with my husband.  But I could accept that. I never minded the concept that you can't get everything from one person.  I guess the problem in my marriage is the whole negativity scene all year long with him -- i.e.e, the complaining, the controlling, the emotionally abusive fighting, how he is always right and never wrong, how he is never remorseful, how all of his social energy is spent postering himself to look better that anyone else around him.

I guess that in order for a relationhip to survive -- despite not having all your needs met -- you still have to get some enjoyment out of it.

Funny thing about your ex, not wanting you to reach out and connect emotionally with others.  My N-husband is so self-absorbed he has not a clue what my friendships are like with other people, and couldn't care less. He lacks imagination and the capacity to think about anyone else  long enought to figure anything out about them.

I have never had a physical affair, but yes, I am guilty of the emotional affair.  I was reading some interesting thoughts on emotional affairs on the net.  The religious sites just present them as flagrant breach of the marriage.  The mainstream therapists see them as an outlet for connection among people who can't have their fundamantal needs for closeness met in the marriage.  Right or wrong, it is a way of getting needs met.  They do, however, point to how they usually end with pain, once it sinks in that it will never go further.  

Take care.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[*] Previous page