N just ended our relationship - ideas how to cope please

[Flicker]

My relationship with an N has just ended.

We previously went out for together  for 8 years which ended when I was dissatisified with the relationship and instead of making it work he went out and met someone else.  I walked out on him and we never really ended the relationship.

So when he contacted me several years later this summer we started going out again.  I had not heard of narcissistic personality disorder until two weeks ago when everything fell into place.

Basically, he ex dumped him 9 months ago and he cannot with rejection at all. He has spent our time together since meeting again talking all about himself, getting very morose, very very depressed, talks about his ex all the time and cannot believe that someone has dumped him.  He is totally in love with himself and his only concern is for his ego.  He has no time for my problems or to discuss what I want out of life.

I have tried so hard to be supportive and listen to his problems (which takes up most of our time together), in fact I do not believe I could have done more.  Since discovering NPD I have pulled him up about a few things which I have found hurtful.  

Consequently he has forced me in a corner and ended the relationship by twisting everying I have ever said round to suit him.

I feel completely empty and used and very low.  If anyone has any thoughts on how best to get over this, please help me as I would be grateful for any help right now.

[Anonymous]

**he ended the relationship---  If anyone has any thoughts on how best  
   to get over this, please help me--


Pop open a bottle of bubbly and thank your lucky stars.

Forgive my reply.I know you will get more useful practical ones but from all you describe this was my first reaction.You won't see it thru all the pain now but you are so so lucky! and if he comes calling again don't allow him back in your life.He won't stop hurting you.Have _nothing_ to do with him in any way.

[bludie]

Flicker,
Welcome! You've come to the right place. Having recently survived a painful and vitriolic breakup with my ex-N, I can truly relate to your feelings of emptiness.

As one poster on this board put it a while ago, an N views people and relationships like milk cartons - once emptied and of no use Ns move on quickly - and with little regard for you, your feelings or needs (which isn't too dissimilar to how we were treated during the relationship, mind you).

The first and best thing I can share is to ABSOLUTELY CUT CONTACT. View your ex-N as toxic poison; an emotional vampire. I had trouble doing this at first because I didn't want to villify my ex-N. Afterall, he was someone I loved, cherished and wanted to spend the rest of my life with...how could things turn so ugly so fast? EASILY - you will soon witness and experience the true person underneath the veneer. Unfortunately, I've found the traits/characteristics we loved about our Ns were just a fascade to cover the barren souls that they truly are.

Next thing I'd recommend: if you've ever considered therapy, now is the time to look into it. The confusion, pain, disappointment and disillusionment of ending a relationship are difficult enough but with an N it's all the more so. They have toyed with our emotions, used us, manipulated situations to make it seem our fault, lied, cheated and spread rumors to family, friends and mutual contacts. Having someone help you sort this out will be crucial in your healing process. At the very least, check out some of the books recommended on this board. They're invaluable and will help validate your experience in loving and/or breaking up with an N.

Last, ally yourself with only supportive friends or family members. During my break-up I discovered who my true friends were. You need unconditional love, support and understanding right now. If anyone thinks it's time to criticize, ridicule, judge or express disbelief in your situation (i.e., how could you allow him to do this, that and the other) then distance yourself from those folks, pronto. If they haven't experienced life with an N, they'll have no clue what you're going through right now. This is not, I repeat, NOT a routine end to a typical relationship.

I was interested in your statement:

I walked out on him and we never really ended the relationship.

This is typical of Ns. There will be little to no closure. They're too busy trying to latch onto their next source of N-supply. Don't expect there to be any well-wishing or fond memorializing of what was. You are and were an object to your N.  Now that you've lost your usefulness, you're as easy to discard as a piece of Kleenex.

I feel for you, Flicker, and hope you'll keep us posted on how you're doing. Take care and be gentle with yourself during this challenging time.

Best,
bludie

[Anonymous]

Flicker -- this Sam Vaknin article may help:

For her traumatic wounds to heal, the victim of abuse requires
closure - one final interaction with her tormentor in which he,
hopefully, acknowledges his misbehaviour and even tenders an
apology. Fat chance. Few abusers - especially if they are
narcissistic - are amenable to such weakling pleasantries. More
often, the abused are left to wallow in a poisonous stew of misery,
self-pity, and self-recrimination.

Depending on the severity, duration, and nature of the abuse, there
are three forms of effective closure.

Conceptual Closure
This most common variant involves a frank dissection of the abusive
relationship. The parties meet to analyze what went wrong, to
allocate blame and guilt, to derive lessons, and to part ways
cathartically cleansed. In such an exchange, a compassionate
offender (quite the oxymoron, admittedly) offers his prey the chance
to rid herself of cumulating resentment.

He also disabuses her of the notion that she, in any way, was guilty
or responsible for her maltreatment, that it was all her fault, that
she deserved to be punished, and that she could have saved the
relationship (malignant optimism). With this burden gone, the victim
is ready to resume her life and to seek companionship and love
elsewhere.

Retributive Closure
When the abuse has been "gratuitous" (sadistic), repeated, and
protracted, conceptual closure is not enough. Retribution is called
for, an element of vengeance, of restorative justice and a restored
balance. Recuperation hinges on punishing the delinquent and
merciless party. The penal intervention of the Law is often
therapeutic to the abused.

Regrettably, the victim's understandable emotions often lead to
abusive (and illegal) acts. Many of the tormented stalk their
erstwhile abusers and take the law into their own hands. Abuse tends
to breed abuse all around, in both prey and predator.

Dissociative Closure
Absent the other two forms of closure, victims of egregious and
prolonged mistreatment tend to repress their painful memories. In
extremis, they dissociate. The Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) -
formerly known as "Multiple Personality Disorder" - is thought to
be such a reaction. The harrowing experiences are "sliced off",
tucked away, and attributed to "another personality".

Sometimes, the victim "assimilates" his or her tormentor, and even
openly and consciously identifies with him. This is the narcissistic
defence. In his own anguished mind, the victim becomes omnipotent
and, therefore, invulnerable. He or she develops a False Self. The
True Self is, thus, shielded from further harm and injury.

According to psychodynamic theories of psychopathology, repressed
content rendered unconscious is the cause of all manner of mental
health disorders. The victim thus pays a hefty price for avoiding
and evading his or her predicament.

Mourning the NarcissistQuestion:

If the narcissist is as abusive as you say – why do we react so
badly when he leaves?

Answer:

At the commencement of the relationship, the Narcissist is a dream-
come-true. He is often intelligent, witty, charming, good looking,
an achiever, empathetic, in need of love, loving, caring, attentive
and much more. He is the perfect bundled answer to the nagging
questions of life: finding meaning, companionship, compatibility and
happiness. He is, in other words, ideal.

It is difficult to let go of this idealized figure. Relationships
with narcissists inevitably and invariably end with the dawn of a
double realisation. The first is that one has been (ab)used by the
narcissist and the second is that one was regarded by the narcissist
as a disposable, dispensable and interchangeable instrument (object).

The assimilation of this new gained knowledge is an excruciating
process, often unsuccessfully completed. People get fixated at
different stages. They fail to come to terms with their rejection as
human beings – the most total form of rejection there is.

We all react to loss. Loss makes us feel helpless and objectified.
When our loved ones die – we feel that Nature or God or Life treated
us as playthings. When we divorce (especially if we did not initiate
the break-up), we often feel that we have been exploited and abused
in the relationship, that we are being "dumped", that our needs and
emotions are ignored. In short, we again feel objectified.

Losing the narcissist is no different to any other major loss in
life. It provokes a cycle of bereavement and grief (as well as some
kind of mild post traumatic stress syndrome in cases of severe
abuse). This cycle has four phases: denial, rage, sadness and
acceptance.

Denial can assume many forms. Some go on pretending that the
narcissist is still a part of their life, even going to the extreme
of "interacting" with the narcissist by pretending to "communicate"
with him or to "meet" him (through others, for instance).

Others develop persecutory delusions, thus incorporating the
imaginary narcissist into their lives as an ominous and dark
presence. This ensures "his" continued "interest" in them – however
malevolent and threatening that "interest" is perceived to be. These
are radical denial mechanisms, which border on the psychotic and
often dissolve into brief psychotic micro-episodes.

More benign and transient forms of denial include the development of
ideas of reference. The narcissist's every move or utterance is
interpreted to be directed at the suffering person, his ex, and to
carry a hidden message which can be "decoded" only by the recipient.

Others deny the very narcissistic nature of the narcissist. They
attribute his abusive conduct to ignorance, mischief, lack of self-
control (due to childhood abuse or trauma), or benign intentions.
This denial mechanism leads them to believe that the narcissist is
really not a narcissist but someone who is not aware of his "true"
being, or someone who merely and innocently enjoys mind games and
toying with people's lives, or an unwitting part of a dark
conspiracy to defraud and abuse gullible victims.

Often the narcissist is depicted as obsessed or possessed –
imprisoned by his "invented" condition and, really, deep inside, a
nice and gentle and lovable person. At the healthier end of the
spectrum of denial reactions we find the classical denial of loss –
the disbelief, the hope that the narcissist may return, the
suspension and repression of all information to the contrary.

Denial in mentally healthy people quickly evolves into rage. There
are a few types of rage. Rage can be focussed and directed at the
narcissist, at other facilitators of the loss, such as the
narcissist's lover, or at specific circumstances. It can be directed
at oneself – which often leads to depression, suicidal ideation,
self-mutilation and, in some cases, suicide. Or, it can be diffuse,
all-pervasive, all-encompassing and engulfing. Such loss-related
rage can be intense and in bursts or osmotic and permeate the whole
emotional landscape.

Rage gives place to sadness. It is the sadness of the trapped
animal, an existential angst mixed with acute depression. It
involves dysphoria (inability to rejoice, to be optimistic, or
expectant) and anhedonia (inability to experience pleasure or to
find meaning in life). It is a paralysing sensation, which slows one
down and enshrouds everything in the grey veil of randomness. It all
looks meaningless and empty.

This, in turn, gives place to gradual acceptance, renewed energy,
and bouts of activity. The narcissist is gone both physically and
mentally. The void left in his wake still hurts and pangs of regret
and hope still exist. But, on the whole, the narcissist is
transformed into a narrative, a symbol, another life experience, or
a (tedious) clichι. He is no longer omni-present and his former
victim entertains no delusions as to the one-sided and abusive
nature of the relationship or as to the possibility and desirability
of its renewal.

=========================================================

[Flicker]

Thanks for your help.  I just feel utterly absolutely distraught right now and can barely function.

The last week was awful - he was completely self-obsessed that (A) his ex could dump him and (B) suffering from depression.  He does suffer from chronic depression (but will not get medical help - he said I was his therapy)  and he  would get very distressed and upset - is this part of the NPD syndrome?

He would also drink very heavily which made it much worse.

Over the last few weeks I complained about his behaviour and I think this really was the final straw for him.  When I said I had trust issues because he was always talking about women he fancied, who fancied him, tried to get in bed etc, how could I trust him when he went out on his own socially.

Instead of saying 'yes of course darling, dont be so silly' and putting my mind at rest, he told me to go away and think why we should stay together.  When I told him later that I wanted to be together but did not know where this is going, he was determined to end the relationship and said it was me ending the relationship. He was quite adamant.

What I want to know is - is it normal for NPDs to get upset afterwards, the next day he rang about collecting things from me and was sobbing down the phone and sounded quite distraught and saying he had not wanted it to end and how he had wanted it to work between us.  Is that a normal part of NPD behaviour when splitting up?

I am totally confused - I do know he suffers from very bad depression but is he ill or is all this behaviour totally typically NPD behaviour.

Please can someone clarify this for me?  Do we have two issues here or is this a normal NPD person?

[bludie]

Flicker,

Sorry to hear you're so upset and distraught. I can imagine this has been a difficult time. Hang in there, keep breathing and take care of YOU. He will manage; it's yourself you need to think of first.

A few questions - have your ex-boyfriends' belongings been removed from your place now? Have you cut contact? Is it possible for you to get away (out of town) for a few days until this blows over?

As for a diagnosis I'm not qualified, however, I can share a few observations and my own experience:

Toward the end of my relationship, one of the factors in my decision to leave was my ex-Ns explosive response to an earnest inquiry about previous marital infidelity. Instead of being the least bit reassuring or contrite, he blew up (we were in a restaurant) and accused me of trust issues and insecurity. He made the incident my fault and blamed me for "not knowing his heart" or "good intentions." To smooth things over, in typical co-dependent fashion, I apologized for being too confrontational (which I wasn't) and for a poor sense of timing (I'm not sure why I chose that day to bring it up but it was almost as if something subconscious welled up inside of me).

In retrospect, I now know there was every reason to question this - in light of our engagement and the fact that he had been unfaithful in his marriage. His defensive and explosive response was a big red flag. This incident began the unravelling of our relationship. Back then I could have kicked myself, now I am thankful it happened.

Initially, my ex-N-fiance made it look like I was ending the relationship. Again, 20/20 hindsight has shown that he really wanted out. Although he wasn't the one to declare it was over, everything about his behavior showed me otherwise. Our life together had become too much responsibility and not enough fun. This phase, as I now recognize it in psychological terms, was the devaluation period. (At first our Ns idealize us -- we are the best thing that's ever happened to them -- in the end we are of little to no value and, thus, easily discarded).

Flicker, trust your instincts and protect yourself. If this guy is depressed, there are plenty of mental health professionals out there. You are not nor should be his 'therapy.' If he has a drinking problem, he won't do anything about it until he hits bottom. Until such time he'll only take everyone else down with him. You didn't break him and you can't fix him. But you can save yourself from being used and emotionally abused until he latches onto his next source of N-supply.

[bkkabir]

Blundie, thank you so much for your words.  I have been trying to sort out my feelings but everything you just said about your ex with the all work and no fun(devaluing), the observations of strange behaviour is exactly what I have been trying to say on this board for the last two months.  I read your statement and it exactly like I was standing in your shoes.  My ex didnt break it off, but she kept pushing me with harsh behaviours for no apparent reason.  She basically pushed me to stand up for myself to get understanding.  I never broke it off to say goodbye.  I told her she needs to think about why she keeps pushing me for no reason.  When I tried to get closure, and all she said was that it was my fault.  Forget all the things she did to ruin our moments of fun to build the relationship.  She said we were not connecting like she had hoped.  I never could do enough to make her see that I was being genuine with her to make her happy.  Thank you again because I know I am not crazy, I just am stupid to overlook the red flags.

[Anonymous]

bkkabir,

Not stupid to overlook red flags. How about trusting, loving and hoping for the best? I, too, have moments of real embarrassment and self-denigration over not listening to my intuition and ignoring/overlooking red flags. However, I am learning from all of this and hope not to repeat the same lessons in the future. In my best moments, when I'm thinking on a higher plane, I view my ex-N as a teacher who taught me some powerful lessons in the school of life.

Best,
bludie

[bkkabri]

Blundie, thank you for your story.  I guess I feel down because I tried to talk sense with my ex and even shed tears trying to make her understand that I loved her and wanted our relationship to stay strong.  I feel like an idiot because I didnt expect her to turn on me for being emotional.  I was trying to show her that I cared for us, and all she could do is tell me is that she is not interested in being the woman I met.  She says that she must be more like a doctor than a woman.  She says that this is my fault because she wants to come home and spend the rest of the night talking about her patients and their diseases.  All I wanted was us to loosen up at night and have fun again.  Everything is about how great she is with her new postion.  Anyway, thank you for your words of wisdom.  I still am feeling the effects from this blow because I have no idea what to think about women anymore.  Its like I attract these people and I dont know why.  thanks for listening.  I just wish we could have talked this out.  I was just so frustrated for feeling alone that my stubbornness got in the way.  Now I am paying for it with the loss of someone I really loved and cared about.

[Anonymous]

 sheesh

[Guest3]

Don't play the victim. Easy for me to say...I wish more people would say that to me. Don't let them win. There are so many common situations, lifestyles, examples...I don't know what to say. It hurts so bad, and the only saving grace is knowing we're sane. Does anyone know what I mean when I say "what's the point of falling in love again, why bother?" Forget the heartache.

[Anonymous]

Don't play the victim!

Don't let them win - by not entering a competition in the first place. It takes two competing sides for anyone to 'win'. Forget the win/lose idea.

"what's the point of falling in love again, why bother?" depends what you mean by falling in love. Falling in love tends to be sexual attraction and not much else, very basic. Loving someone doesn't have to be sexual or romantic and it doesn't have to contain any drama or heart-fluttering.

Loving is loving someone for who they are, regardless of whether they return your love. But to do this we have to understand ourselves first.

If we don't understand ourselves, we cannot love another because we cannot understand another. If we look for 'love' not understanding ourselves, we're usually looking for what we didn't (or did) get in childhood.

[littlebird]

"Toward the end of my relationship, one of the factors in my decision to leave was my ex-Ns explosive response to an earnest inquiry about previous marital infidelity. Instead of being the least bit reassuring or contrite, he blew up (we were in a restaurant) and accused me of trust issues and insecurity. He made the incident my fault and blamed me for "not knowing his heart" or "good intentions".  

Well this is exactly what they do and it is a typical N reaction to being 'caught out'.  Basically bully the person into backing down and being uder control again.  It also gives them their get out excuse...'yeah, she/he was insanley jealous, I couldn't do anything'.  this is what they will say to people to make themselves look good when they finally discard you.  As soon as they know you are insecure about their love, they will build on it and use it to devalue and discard.

N's do teach us things that we shouldn't have to learn, like being hyper-vigillant of red flags, like the realisation that you let some selfish bastard walk all over you.  It's all about them, they think, well it's not...it's about you and what you want and it is not unreasonable to not want someone to treat you in such a way.  Dump his sorry ass and teach him a lesson in Narcissism!

When he told you to go away and think of why you two should be together you should have come back and said.."actually, I can't think of any reason why we should be together because you are have no idea how to conduct or maintain a relationship and if you think I wanna sit and listen to you crying over your ex then you are just pathetic.  See ya!"