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Do Not Blame Yourself.

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clara:
Simon, you provided a whirlwind tour of my emotions being married to a N-husband and growing up with N-parents.  I am moved to tears.

Funny to read this today, because just lately I have been so angry with the whole lost relationship, and this latest bout of severe anger is the final death knell!! Yes, I too felt at first that this anger wasn't right.  My shrink says it is absolutely OK and appropriate to feel anger, and sorrow, over the failed marriage to a supremo N.

The other issue is blame.  I've been thinking about how since I was a kid, time, and time, and time again when absolutely stupid or trivial incidents happened that I wasn't even a direct part of, and yet somehow I felt that I was somehow to blame.  I guess that is a form of narcissim in itself, attributing so much power to yourself over the environment that even when screw-ups happen outside your control you were still somehow powerful enough to cause the screw-ups.

Relating anger to feelings of responsibility:  For all these years in the marriage I truly believed that I was causing his misery and bad behavior.  He had me convinced that everything was my fault.  But then, as I started growing as a person, I started slowly seeing that it was not me who was ALWAYS to blame. And it was NOT me who was controlling in the relationship -- in fact when we look at our major life decisions (moving, careers, kids) I deferred to him every time!!  Now THAT makes me so angry I want to cry, kick and scream!! Anger mostly at myself for internalizing his self-serving distortions!! Anger at him for DOING this to me!!  And yet I can't yell, kick and scream at him because -- as we all know -- you can NEVER WIN with them.  They will TRUMP YOU every time!!

Sorry for this raw anger coming out in this post.  Please understand that this anger is coming out right now because of what I am going through and I know that you all will understand and accept it.

Take care all.

Clara

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