I have access to my N's personal email

[Confused2]

Hi,

I would like some feedback.

I met a man last year and had an intense, beautiful romance with him that led to our engagement. It had a fairy tale quality to it. I was convinced I'd met the man I'd waited for my entire life (I'm 46 and have never been married). He swept me off my feet with the most beautiful, romantic love letters I'd EVER seen. He proposed, sold his home, moved to my city, hosted a big engagement party for family and friends. We had a date and a venue for our wedding. Then, he broke it off very abruptly and moved away with almost no explanation. He utterly broke my heart. The break up was last May and I have had essentially no contact with him for all of these months. I have been in a lot of pain because I never really understood why he left me. He gave me a long list of ridiculous excuses but they really were not believable at all.

I had his email password and have been reading his web-based email since he left me. I have learned so much! For one thing, he is still hung up on a woman he used to be with, a woman who is no longer available as she is with another man. For another, he is exploring a transgendered lifestyle. He has been a cross dresser for years and I knew that before he proposed but it didn't seem to be a problem because we were so in love and he didn't seem to need to dress when he was with me. But he is now wanting to be a t-girl (a man who dresses as a woman but still has male genitalia and has no intention of getting a sex change operation) and have sex with other t-girls . He actually wants to be a transgendered porn star! He wants to get breast implants. The whole thing is SO bizarre.

I guess what I am confused about is, WHY can I not get 100% over him given I have all this new information about him? You'd think I would be relieved that we didn't actually get married. And I AM. But I still think about him all the time. The love I got from him in the beginning was SOOOOO amazing, and I miss those feelings so much. I just can't seem to fully move on.


Any advice?

Confused

[Anonymous]

Goodness, what an interesting time you've had! Having access to his email must feel a bit strange, reading all that? It sounds like a lot to take in. But I bet you think having this knowledge is better than not? And you're sure it's his email and him writing?

I don't think there is anything wrong or abnormal with missing those loving feelings. If you had something which made you feel food, you're going to miss it when it's gone. Even if you know it wasn't 'real'.

Maybe one day you'll wake up and think you've had enough of living with the memory of those good feelings and instead you'll work out some way to replace them with good feelings that don't rely on a fantasy.

The question is what do you envisage moving on to? What would you like?

[Cadbury]

I think sometimes it can be hard to distinguish whether it is actually the person you missed or the feelings that they gave you. Everyone wants to be loved like that, and when it is genuine it is the best thing in the world (I imagine anyway, having had it from an N I know how good it can feel, but not how genuine!). Maybe ask yourself if you just want those feelings again? From what you have found out it is unlikely to be the man you are missing, just what he gave you for the time you were together. Just believ in yourself and you will find someone who can give you all the love without breaking your heart.

[Anonymous]

Hi Confused2,

The info you've obtained doesn't make any difference. You were already aware that he was a cross dresser. That is a big red flag about gender ID confusion, fantasy worlds, etc. These are just extra details about fundamental issues you already knew (on some level) were problematic.

No one ever gets over a lost love 100%. That person remains a part of us always. But we can get over them about 75% otherwise we're cheating ourselves out of enjoying life.

The first step is to stop reading his emails and focus on your own life.

bunny

[confused2]

Thanks to all who replied. I always hate it when people tell me to stop reading his email because, I know they are right! But, imagine if you were me and had this unbelievable opportunity to learn all these things about the man you were madly in love with who dumped you so brutally. On top of that, his life is sooooo unusual that it is incredibly difficult to stop tracking it. (And, yes, I am 100% positive that this is his email and he has written all these letters. I even have photos of him dressed as a woman, but with a big erection sticking out from under his dress!)

Bunny, for whatever reason, I DID NOT think his cross dressing was a serious problem. I think it is because he felt so straight to me and we had the best sex ever. Plus, he was affirming me so completely that I just dismissed it. Plus, he told me that he felt no need to cross dress since meeting me. Also, I am pretty open  minded and this just didn't faze me. (The next time, if there is a next time, this will be a HUGE red flag!)

I really appreciate everybody's comments about missing the feelings he evoked in me and NOT the man himslef. I researched NPD quite extensively after he left and he is definitely some level of N. I even talked to his ex wife and sent her an article or two about it and she affirmed that it sounded like him to a T. I KNOW he is a fake and with the gender confusion on top of it he is NOT someone I would want to be involved with. Rationally, I am really clear and really over it. Emotionally, it is a different story. I am so addicted to following his life for three reasons: 1. It's so interesting and strange to have this opportunity; 2. His behavior is so very different from the norm, and I am a mental health professional and naturally interested in these issues; and 3. I don't really wish him well and hope to witness his life come apart for the pain and humiliation he put me through. (Not very evolved I know, but I am being honest.)

Thank you for all the feedback. What a great forum this is!

Confused2

[Anonymous]

Goodness, what an interesting time you've had! Having access to his email must feel a bit strange, reading all that? It sounds like a lot to take in. But I bet you think having this knowledge is better than not?

One more thing: YES. I know that having had access to his email has been most helpful. It has kept me from contacting him. And, it has helped me to understand why he really couldn't marry me (he would never tell me the truth about his gender stuff). So overall, it was a good thing. And I am getting over it slowly. I just wish I could find a relationship that feels as wonderful as that one did, AND be real. Is that too much to ask?

[October]

Hi,

I would like some feedback.

I met a man last year and had an intense, beautiful romance with him that led to our engagement. It had a fairy tale quality to it. I was convinced I'd met the man I'd waited for my entire life (I'm 46 and have never been married). He swept me off my feet with the most beautiful, romantic love letters I'd EVER seen.

Any advice?

Confused

As you describe this relationship, you were swept off your feet by the man of your dreams, like in a fairy tale.  But then he broke your heart, and left you in a lot of pain.

When you asked him why, you couldn't believe his reasons.  

First it was too good to believe, then it was too unbelievable to believe?  Either way it is not real life; just a fantasy in one form or another.

But, not wanting fantasy, you are still searching for something you can believe in; his reasons; the reasons why you were not good enough, after waiting all those years.

You cannot forget how good he made you feel.  But you do seem to have forgotten that he hurt you, and broke your heart?  In a situation where a person can treat you like that, why do you care what his reasons were?  In my view, you need to take the focus off him, and put it back onto yourself.  Never mind what his reasons are; they are his concern.  The important thing is to heal your own hurt, and to recognise that you deserve better.

It is not easy to recover from a broken relationship, and I don't mean to make it sound like it is.  But I agree with Bunny that you gain nothing by reading his emails now.  Try instead to find out what you want, in real life, and the kind of person you are, and want to become.  That is far more important, imo.

[October]

Rationally, I am really clear and really over it. Emotionally, it is a different story. I am so addicted to following his life for three reasons: 1. It's so interesting and strange to have this opportunity; 2. His behavior is so very different from the norm, and I am a mental health professional and naturally interested in these issues; and 3. I don't really wish him well and hope to witness his life come apart for the pain and humiliation he put me through. (Not very evolved I know, but I am being honest.)

Confused2

I commend you for your honesty, but this is really disturbing me now, and I think I will not be able to continue after this one point.  

If you are a mental health professional, do you not see that what you are doing has to be unethical?  It may or may not be against a code of practice - I do not know about that.  But surely it is not right?  For someone who would not know that it is wrong, then maybe you could err by mistake.  But if you are a professional, then there is no mistake.  You know that what you are doing is wrong; it amounts to stalking, imo.  However 'interested' you are, you have no right to watch what he is doing, as if he were a goldfish in a bowl.

If I thought that any mental health professional I have dealings with were capable of doing what you are doing, I would run a mile.  I really would.  

Sorry.  I cannot continue.  Issues of trust involved.

[confused2]

October,

This is the danger of posting brief information without all the details. What he did to me is as unethical as it gets. Because of how highly dishonest, unkind, manipulative and unethical he was toward me, I have dehumanized him. He is not entitled to any ethical treatment from me whatsoever. I could care less about his privacy.

I would not do this to a friend, a client, a family member or even a complete stranger. It WOULD be completely unethical. In this case, all that really matters to me is MY healing. This is someone who had zero regard for my feelings, violated my trust to the utmost, and lied about me to others every chance he got. I owe him nothing. In fact, he is VERY lucky I haven't extracted the kind of revenge that I have the power to extract. I have decided NOT to "out" him to his friends, family, and employer. I would feel too guilty if he committed suicide or something along those lines, because of my actions.

I have two friends who are also counselors. They know ALL the details of my story. They have advised me to stop reading his email, for my sake, and only when I feel really done with it. This man is an amoral Narcissist and hurt me incredibly. You really think I should be worried about violating him??? Well, I'm not.

[bludie]

Hello Confused2,

Welcome to the board -- where you'll get lots of feedback. Some you may wanna' hear and some not. However, my experience thus far is that Dr. G has established a very caring and supportive community.

I'm not going to address professional ethics because my sense is that you came here on a personal level with a war story, a broken heart, and in search of compassion. October may have a point about the duty of one's profession and being held to a higher standard but that's not my call nor purpose in responding to your post.

I think in due time you will stop reading his e-mails because it ultimately is hurting you and curtailing your ability to move on and heal. In the first few weeks after my ex-fiance and I broke up, I still had the password to his e-mail account and, you guessed it, read his e-mails. It was low but I felt lower than low. And I suddenly went from having this man occupy most of my life to no contact whatsoever; a complete void. He must have wised up and changed the password. So I can't say it was virtue or self restraint that made me stop.

With my professional contacts I have methods of how to stay abreast of his new life (still hard for me to ponder -- his life without me in it -- much less accept). Even a private investigator client of mine offered to track him. I must say that it was tempting but I have refrained from pursuing much, if any, information. I was tempted to head to his new city and place of residence while vacationing over the holidays but bypassed his overpass, so to speak, and kept driving home (feeling a bit victorious because I didn't give in and succeeded with my plan).  For me this was a baby step toward progress compared to the first weeks when I would cry -- practically sob -- during walks around what was once our new-found community. I would notice points of interest we had spotted together and nearly lose it. It was utter agony knowing that he was gone and I was still here and it would never, ever be the "dream."

So I can imagine how you're feeling. Confused2, you've had a huge wallop. Your heart has been broken. But you probably know as well as any of us that the answers to your moving on, healing and subsequent growth are INSIDE OF YOU; not in the revelations of his e-mail account.  I hope you can set a date to stop. It's probably become a bit of a habit and maybe you can treat it as such.

In the mean time, welcome and keep posting.

[Anonymous]

I even have photos of him dressed as a woman, but with  XXXXX XXXX XXXX XXXX his dress!)

This graphic description could trigger some people so perhaps you could put a spoiler at the top of your post saying "Sexual Content."

I'm sure you're curious and fascinated by his perversions - who wouldn't be? -  but that's immaterial. You can read case studies about other people. This is voyeuristic. Even if you couldn't care less about this N and want to destroy him, it's *your* ethics that are at issue. Even if you wouldn't do this same intrusion to a client or a friend, it affects your personal ethical standards. You have a double standard where you can do things that other therapists can't do, that clients shouldn't do, etc. Even if you were hurt, devastated, etc., that doesn't give you special privileges to invade someone's privacy. Even if he deserves it. Wouldn't you try to help a client find some alternative way to manage this situation?


bunny

[confused 2]

Thank you Bludie for sharing your story and also for being honest that it wasn't necessarily virtue or self restraint that caused you to stop reading your ex's email. Thank you also for your gentleness and caring and acknowledgement of my broken heart. Your advice makes the most sense of all. My healing is inside me and not in the content of his email and that is the best reason to stop reading it (though I maintain that it DID help me a great deal in the earlier stages of this break up. It also helped me when he very recently sent me a completely bogus letter expressing what sounded like affection and caring, interspersed with backhanded put downs. Had I not been reading what he was REALLY saying about me, I would have been sucked right in and destabilized. But the real motive behind his letter, which he sent through some mutual friends of ours, rather than directly to me, was to save face with those friends. His words were totally insincere and the only way I knew this for a fact is that I'd read what he'd written about me and the break up.) I honestly think that having access to his email has been a form of divine intervention.

Bunny, I think we simply disagree about ethics in this case. In my last post, I explained that he is exempt from ethics in my estimation and my ethics around others are uncompromised. Now, if he would only do two things, I would actually forgive him and stop reading his email out of ethical considerations: I want him to apologize for treating me the way he did AND I want him to be honest about why he left. A Narcissist will never apologize, so that's not gonna happen, and I don't think he is capable of honesty, even with himself, so that's not gonna happen either. But, if by some miracle it did, I would forgive him and NEVER look at his email again. That's when he would regain his human status in my eyes.

In the meantime, I am moving forward in my life. I am not sitting around at home crying in my soymilk. After he left me, I completely remodeled my kitchen, took a dream trip to Hawaii, and have gone out with at least 12 new men (sadly, I am not emotionally ready to get involved it seems...) I know the instant I meet someone who truly interests me, I will not give my ex-N another thought.

Thank you both for your comments.

Confused2

[Anonymous]

Bunny, I think we simply disagree about ethics in this case. In my last post, I explained that he is exempt from ethics in my estimation and my ethics around others are uncompromised.

I read your explanation but it didn't make sense. I see that you're very very angry with him but reasonably it means you should keep a great distance from him and get him out of your life. I realize that some of your therapist friends have agreed with you that it's okay to read his email, but if you asked therapists who aren't your friends, in a supervisory capacity, I wonder what they would say.

Now, if he would only do two things, I would actually forgive him and stop reading his email out of ethical considerations: I want him to apologize for treating me the way he did AND I want him to be honest about why he left. A Narcissist will never apologize, so that's not gonna happen, and I don't think he is capable of honesty, even with himself, so that's not gonna happen either. But, if by some miracle it did, I would forgive him and NEVER look at his email again. That's when he would regain his human status in my eyes.

Again, I don't understand why it's up to him. He is a very sick individual. Why would you need an apology and honesty from a person whose psyche has severe distortions, who can't function normally, and who is seriously emotionally disturbed? You dodged a bullet! Isn't it possible that he broke off the engagement to protect you? Maybe he cares about you in his own twisted way. The only way he could deal with reality was to mess up the whole thing.


bunny

[Anonymous]

I know I'm chipping in a bit late here, but thought I'd let you know Confused 2 that I agree that finding out these details 'behind his back' as it were is invaluable in dealing with a breakup with an N.
In my case, what he told me, and what I actually knew to be the case (learnt by what he told other people, credit card statements etc.) helped me in preventing him from gaining any ground from me. I kept a close eye on him and was able to reject any contact from him.
He soon gave up, allowing me to also give up my surveillance and move on.

[Anonymous]

This graphic description could trigger some people so perhaps you could put a spoiler at the top of your post saying "Sexual Content."

It’s too late now. And now we know that confused2 is happy to be this explicit, we are forewarned about further posts. Susceptible people are going to be triggered wherever they are. It might be okay for them to be triggered here and then they can talk about it if they wish.

Confused2, you could spend some considerable time waiting for the ‘sorry’ that never comes but I don’t think this is the point. Your pride/self-worth has been hurt and you want to regain power for yourself, either by his downfall or by an apology - revenge in other words? It sounds like this will fade with time though.

Reading his email seems to be one way of repeatedly re-confirming the facts to yourself so that you can in time detach and reach the stage where you are no longer interested enough to read his email. You just won’t care what he does and you will have moved on.