Hi graficdiva,
Good for you that you recognize the pattern of being attracted to the same type of man that is incapable of satisfying your needs. That is the first step.
Good for you that you are now ending a relationship that is unhealthy for you. You are making a conscious decision to no longer tolerate being in an unhealthy relationship.
You are also in therapy to help you discover why you do this. These are all very positive things. You are on the road to healing. Yes, you have made the same mistake more than once. Join the club.... it's part of being human.
Instead of hating yourself, congratulate yourself because by recognizing your pattern, by ending the unsatisfying relationship and by being in therapy you are now being good to yourself, because you are not accepting bad relationships anymore and you are taking steps to try and make sure that you do not fall into the old trap again.
There is never any guarantee that success will be had. There is only committment to being observant, keep trying and learn as much as you can.
Try to be aware of the way you talk to yourself. When I listened to the things that I said to myself, I was appalled. I would never talk that way to anyone, not even my cat. Yet here I was, telling myself how stupid I was.
Start being more gentle with yourself. Part of the reason that you might be attracted to men who don't treat you well is that....well... you don't treat yourself very well if you are self-hating. So it's a familiar place to end up. And, the guys know who will take it. Learn what signals you send out that says it's okay to abuse you.
And, be nicer to yourself. When I find myself telling myself that I am stupid, I now change it to "silly" instead of "stupid." It's softer. And then I find something good to say about myself to help dispel the poison. This is sometimes hard work, but it helps to catch yourself being not nice to yourself and to change that.
Therapy is really helpful. It helped me to discover, but therapy alone won't make the changes. Simply getting answers doesn't change your thoughts and your behavior.
I am 52 with three divorces to three of the same type of guy that you are breaking up with. And that doesn't count the ones in between the marriages !!! So, yeah, I did the same thing.... kept falling for the same jerks. It doesn't make me a bad person. Unhappy, yes, not bad.
And, I am now, just in the last year, in a relationship that is healthy. It is possible.... really. So, don't say never. Say, "I am determined to learn how to only accept healthy relationships."
I am sorry for your pain. It hurts .... a lot. And you can lick your wounds .... for a while. Just try not to get stuck there. Good luck to you.
Sincerely,
Gingerpeach
