Do Ns know that they are Ns?

[miaxo guest]

I was thinking about sending EX husband an email with a link regarding N personaility disorder.  Believe me, he is a full-fledged N.

Would this be worthwhile for me to do? Is he capable of recognizing his shortcomings?  Am I just feeding into his N supply?

What do you think?

[serena]

He would hit the 'reply' button with supercillious remarks and try to turn it around so you would be the person with 'psychological' problems.

I wouldn't bother - a true N could squirm out of anything and blame anyone else, leaving them wishing they hadn't bothered...

[Anonymous]

TOTALLY inadvisable. Opens you up to all sorts of abusive attacks. Not worth it. Believe me!

Best.  Bludie

[Anonymous]

If you give him any psychological information, he will turn it against you by using the jargon, calling you a narcissist, etc. It will backfire bigtime. Use the information for your own protection and don't share it with him.

bunny

[Anonymous]

thank you.  

After reading all the responses I know you are all absolutely correct.

He would just turn it around.  

I guess I should just give up hope that he will ever come to terms with his abusive nature.  All that I can do is pray that he will get help on his own some day........

[Anonymous]

To answer your question:

N's don't care if they are Ns. It's all about them - not how you see them, how they see themself.

[Anonymous]

To answer your question:

N's don't care if they are Ns. It's all about them - not how you see them, how they see themself.

But I thought that they do care what others think of them and that's why they are so worried about appearances.  I would think that they didn't want their secret revealed.

[Anonymous]

But I thought that they do care what others think of them and that's why they are so worried about appearances. I would think that they didn't want their secret revealed.

You are right...but....
The image they have of themselves is NOT the image the rest of us see. They THINK the world see them as they see themself. They live in a fantasy world. If they really cared what others thought of them, that would take too much time out of thinking about what they think about themselves. Am I going in enough circles?

Ellie

[Cadbury]

I sat at my computer and watched my ex fill out an online personality quiz. He answered every single question as a bare faced lie. The scary thing was he honest to God thought he was answering it fairly and openly. He then read the description of Narcissm and did not see one trait he recognised. If it wasn't for the fact that every one who has ever met him has found him to be the same I would think I was mad!

[Anonymous]

Just getting used to this concept.....as a real thing that I have dealt with for so many years........have been trying to figure out the best possible response to my ex.....who just wrote to me after leaving 12 years ago....and after much deliberate destruction........suddenly I get a letter which to my eyes reads practically like a love letter!!!   It is so shocking...but then I remembered the therapist I saw while going through the divorce mentioned Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcisissm.....once we parted.........I kind of forgot those terms.....but they came back to me and found this board while looking for info online.   I had never really been able to articulate the hell I had gone through....couldn't even articulate it to myself.....the therapist must have known some of it.....mostly I was just scared and hurting.........but online in the last few days since I got the letter...I have found so much info about this........it seems like a miracle that someone somewhere really knows what I experienced.........and can explain it in terms that make sense........for so long none of it made sense to me.....why would he do the things he did....?  They seemed so....diabolical.......I didn't get it.
Now I get it.   But........there is still my own nature and damaged self to contend with.    Have been trying to figure out the perfect response to his letter..........one that can't be used to hurt me or my kids...........and have had to conclude that there is none.   But I worry that not answering him at all...............will also be used to fuel some plot.   I thought I was done with having to deal with him.   Now he pops up...........wanting some kind of "reunion" and plug back in to a supply.    You don't even want to know the stuff he did to me!   Still.............after all that...........there is (and he's counting on that) this little part of me that says........he's hurting.....this is all so sad.........after all....this kids.......(all in their 30's)
the grandkids............BUT the healthier part blinks that big neon sign:Danger!!!Danger!!!    Then I let out a big sigh.   Still....if there was a way to get help to him or for him.........in some intervention....or 3rd party way.............well, I guess he would just erupt all over somebody.....SO, somebody tell me.......do I just ignore this letter....and consider his beseaching me to let my feelings overcome his mistakes?(his words...not mine)I see this as his asking me to carry the burden for all the stuff he did.......to do the emotional work that he won't own....BUT how does one forgive such a person..........doesn't the recipient need to be aware of the forgiveness?    This is all so confusing.  Still, I am terrified of this man.    Thanks for any input.   kap

[Anonymous]

kap,

This is your former husband, with whom you share children and grandchildren? Has he been in contact with you at all over 12 years, or is this the first anyone has heard from him?

bunny

[catlover]

I have to confess that I have fantasized about sending my Nmom an anonymous note that says, simply, "You have Narcissistic Personality Disorder."  I also used my real (extremely unique) name as my user name on here with some wierd fantasy that if she ever logged onto this message board, she'd see it and UNDERSTAND what she put me through, and continues to put me through.  I know these are ridiculous fantasies - perhaps I should discuss them in therapy  I know that if she ACTUALLY saw any of this her reaction would simply be to stop speaking to me, for who knows how long (maybe my whole life).

[Kaz]

Kap,
My input - do not respond.
Your instincts are already telling you to beware. Responding to him (even carefully) would cause far more trouble for you I suspect than not answering at all.
You can forgive him (if you want). He doesn't need to be aware of this, forgiveness is for your benefit, it helps you to heal.
(Perhaps you could start your own thread here and get some more input?)

[kap]

Sorry everyone........someone came to the door....and I ended up away for long time.........Bunny and all........your advice is likely the best thing to do.......nothing........
I wrote my lengthy story to all of you.......but didn't realize I had timed out..so it wouldn't post......now that I'm back....it seems to hard to write it all over again.  I am still pondering the right thing to do.....what worries me is that I haven't discussed the more clinical aspects of N....and that my kids do not know what they are dealing with....and he is clearly trying to get back into their lives in his controlling way.......and is frustrated because they are mature...and don't need his power and money anymore and so he can't figure out how to control them........until he thought of me....NOW he ( after 12 years) is "seriously thinking about the extraordinary years we spent together....28 of them........and he is wanting to be with me for the good times....(Christmas) and is not willing to let 28 years of his life be "erased".     This shocks me because it was he who erased them.    He wants me to use any feelings I still have for him to overlook his obvious mistakes.    This makes me laugh....because it is SOOOOO detached.  No empathy.    If I told you here all the things he did to me and my family.......it would easily make a made for tv movie.  This is a very powerful, wealthy and resourceful person....whose sense of entitlement is enabled by an entourage of "yes-people".  I suspect that right now.....the bloom is off the rose of the marriage he is in...with the woman I caught him with........an attorney who helped him plan his diabolical split with me.   So....that is why I am afraid of him.
He once said to me....Keep your mouth shut........I have connections...I know how to make things happen.   I believe him.....I know.  kap

[kap]

In my ex's letter..........he says he just spent the holidays with the most wonderful children and grandchildren any man could wish for.  BUT that he feels a void in his life..........and what is missing is ME!!!   HA HA>....after the stuff he did......I find this so amazing...(My understanding is that he spends very little time with family.)  I am very close to my children and grandchildren.  Perhaps he is jealous.  He wants to meet me for coffee.   The idea makes me shudder.   I do not wish to speak with him.  What he doesn't understand or "get" is that no person who cheats, lies and deliberately deceives a court.......re: assets, etc. puts house in foreclosure....and runs away with a mistress.......and buys a new yacht and mansion while leaving me in the dust........has not earned the privilege of making small talk with me nor is he entitled to ask me to be a bit player in his happy times holiday dog and pony shows.   Feeling this anger helps me refrain from any contact.   But why do I still have this little part of me that still wants to do something........anything.......that could have a positive impact on his "getting it. "....why?  kap