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Cutting my parents off, but I have kids... what to do?

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nihil:
Hello all,

I have been thinking about this for the last couple of days. I had suppressed practically all my childhood memories. Just recently (as I have mentioned in another thread) my memories came back in droves. These memories include beatings, indifference, constant belittling, emotional invalidation, etc.etc.etc. Lots of nasty stuff. Also, this I have always remembered, I wanted to kill myself at the age of 4. My parents always found this immensely funny (go figure) and never even thought about asking themselves why a four year old child would want to die. I even tried once to hang myself (at the age of four). These days I am getting partial flashbacks of something really terrible that has happened to me but when the details start to get focussed, I just start crying and can't process the memory. I have this stuck under a whole pile of other crap I have to process, so I tell myself that I will get back to this later.

Anyway... I don't trust my parents anymore. I don't ever want to see them again. BUT... I have two daughters and they enjoy being with my parents (my parents cover them with barbies, trash, junk-food and whatever appeals to our lower instincts of instant gratification - even though I have told them hundreds of times not to do this). I don't want to hurt my children. I think they will feel punished if I forbid them to have contact with my parents. They are 8 and 10 years old. I know that they could understand a part of it, but they haven't a clue of what kind of abuse my parents have dished out at me (this I have validated last weekend during a long conversation with my younger brother).

Plus, there are legal issues which could surface if ever I decide to completely cut them out of my life. So if anyone with insights into this could help, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thanx, take care all.

jaybee:
hi, nihil,

your message struck a chord with me.   several years ago, with the help of a psychologist and the understanding of our siblings, one sister and i broke our relationships with our poisonous mother.

for us, it is important not to let our problems with our mother color the next generation's relationships with their grandmother.  i do not have children; however, i have never said anything negative about my mother in front of my neices and nephews (though i have laughed at their stories).  my sister has supported her children visiting their grandmother; she helps her children process their experiences with their grandmother when they return home.

my neices and nephews are being raised in healthy environments.  they all recognize that it is not pleasant to be around my mother.  however, if my mother had been able to be nurturing to her grandchildren, it would have been a shame to deprive them of that relationship.  as it is, my mother wonders why none of her grandchildren want to visit.

the questions that come to my mind are:

- how important are the things that your parents are doing that you've asked them not to do?  (for me, safety would be the important issue.)

- how safe is it for your children to visit their grandparents?  would they be in any physical danger?  (my mother is not physically abusive.)

- would your parents do or say anything to your children in order to hurt you?  if so, what?  (my mother told my neice/nephew about unpleasant experiences in my sister's life that my sister had felt her children were too young to hear; however, she took that as an opportunity to talk openly about her own mistakes)

- what transportation could you organize for your children?  if you were to cut off contact with your parents, is there a spouse/partner/friend who could drive your children to your parents?  (with us, the distances are large and, for an extra fee, the children traveled on the planes alone.)

- how will you react when your parents phone to organize a meeting with your children or whatever?  (i used an answering machine and call display; my sister installed a children's phone line.)

i don't know anything about the legal issues you allude to.  i rewrote my will when i realized how poisonous my mother is.  my lawyer explained that, in our jurisdiction, it's difficult for parents to leave children out of their wills; however, there is no expectation for children to include their parents.  could you speak with a lawyer in your area in order to allay your legal concerns?

i hope you can find a way to take care of yourself, as well as your children.  good luck.

Simon46:
Hi Nihil:

Our situations sound very similar. I have two daughters about the same ages as yours. When I finally confronted my father on his behavior, he said he wanted us to “disengage and live our lives in peace.”  He has not called me in over a year.  He did the same thing to both of my sisters for 2 or 3 years. I think it is partly “punishment” and a show of disapproval for my “insolent behavior.” It is the extended silent treatment. I recognize that it also protects him from having to look too closely at his own pain and admit to the many mistakes he made as a parent.

As a result, he has also not seen his granddaughters in that length of time or called to speak with them. I am sure that Mom and Dad’s version would be that I am deliberately punishing them by withholding their grandchildren from them, and that I am enjoying it. It is my fault, I am to blame for their pain, I am inconsiderate and selfish, etc. - you know the deal.  As long as they do not speak to me they can continue to believe this. (They would anyway!)

I never talk bad to my daughters about their grandparents, but I did explain the truth to them. Once I cried in front of them and they asked me what was wrong. I explained that Mom Mom and Pi Pi had been really mean to me when I was a kid, that they would sometimes slap me in the face, whip me, and sometimes say mean things, yell at me, and that it made me really sad and really hurt me a lot. My “male instinct” would normally lead me to run into the dark and cry privately and come out and “appear strong” for the children. Luckily, I had had enough therapy to realize that was BS and dishonest, so I chose to be vulnerable and share my pain with my kids. My wife came in the bedroom and we all had a good cry together. It was a touching moment in retrospect and I am so glad that my family is close enough to be that honest and supportive and to share such a moment. They gave me a lot of comfort and I am a lucky man in that regard.

I have never shared much more than that with them, but I would tell them more if they asked.

nihil:
Hello Jaybee,

Thank you kindly for having taken the time to answer. Here are some answers to your questions.

I do not believe that there is immediate danger but I have always found my father to be somewhat too groping when he handled my daughters. Plus, I have repressed memories which don't want to surface yet (plus all the others that did recently, beatings, humiliation and such). I have had suicidal ideations since the age of 4 and have committed a few attempts already (including one very serious attempt that got me in the hospital and in a crisis center for a few weeks). So in fact, I don't trust them at all. I will never again leave my children alone with them, no matter what.

I don't know what my parents told my kids when I wasn't there, but I do know that they are backstabbing liars, so I can only speculate. Again, I don't trust them on that count either. They have spewed crap on my ex-wife in front of them before, and they are always talking about everybody in a condescending and judgemental manner - I doubt they become happy balanced people just because my kids are there so...

On the transportation issue, it doesn't really apply. They live 45 minutes away. If I decide to let them see my kids, we will arrange a meeting place or an activity beforehand. I will be there.

On the question of having my parents call... They do in fact call and arrange things without asking me. Whenever that happens, I tell my kids we can't then I make sure to plan something else instead with them (if nothing was already planned). My parents bring my kids to crappy dollar stores and pile all kinds of useless stuff on them. They call this "love". When they babysit, it's "here baby, sit in front of the TV". They stuff them up with junk food and basically ignore them. So what's the point? My youngest daughter doesn't care much for them, so she doesn't ask to go see them. But the older one is more sociable, she's always organizing events with her friends, my parents, me, my ex, etc. She likes moving around, seeing people. It might be difficult with her. I'm still thinking about what to tell them and how I should go about removing my parents from my life.

The legal issue : I think I read somewhere that grandparents can obtain legal visitation rights. My parents are disorganized and innefficient, so I doubt they'll want to go to court if ever I tell them to stay completely away. But I'm just trying to see what all the possible fall-back from this could be.

Again, thank you for your reply. It make me think this out some more.

Take care.

nihil:
Hello Simon,

Thank you very much for sharing your experiences and your wisdom. I think that your experience pretty much sums up mine. I am quite certain that when I do end up confronting my parents with all this, they will freak out and might just decide by themselves to never talk to me again. They won't handle the truth, of that I am almost certain. In fact, they just seem to get worse with time... Poor them...

I do not want to villainize my parents in front of my daughters either. I am quite certain that this whole thing would seem exaggerated to them. When you wrote about the moment when you discussed this with your children and your wife openly, and the reaction that ensued, I related to that. That is how I would want it to happen also. I just want them to know what I feel, and why I don't want to see my parents anymore, in very simple and respectful words. I am certain to be able to do this with dignity and integrity, without trying to accuse my parents, without diminishing them or whatever else of that nature.

I want to make sure that my kids can deal with this without unnecessary trauma and that I respect myself through this ordeal also.

Again, thank you for your words.

Take care.

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