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Cutting my parents off, but I have kids... what to do?

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Anonymous:
Just a thought here, I have had no direct experience with this so I may be talking out of the wrong end   :? because I do not have children of my own- but intend to start a family soon and was contemplating how I would handle this if in your shoes.

I was touched by your story Simon and that you were brave enough to show your pain in front of your children as a man.   I think this can do nothing but help... They will see strength in their father for being true to himself.

In both your cases, Nihil and Simon,  I am sure you have already thought of this because you are both working so hard on your health. Have you discussed with your children that while it is not good for YOU to see your parents, that at some point in time you express to them that you would be supportive if they chose to have a relationship with them?... of course, only when you think they are old enough to understand and process their grandparent's behavior (perhaps not even until age 18 - especially in Rob's case where sexual abuse is suspected).

I would hate for the both of you to find that your children resent you later for "preventing" them indirectly from seeing their grandparents.  They may not currently show an interest.. but it is also possible that they are doing this to please YOU, after all, you are the parent they need their love from  :) .  I think you did this Simon, but I just wanted to call attention for the benefit of perhaps others that are considering this break.

I would imagine this to be difficult when you have chosen to break ties and your instincts tell you that your children need to be protected.  If it is too difficult to allow the kids to spend time with their grandparents when they are younger, I would think it would be enough at least to just convey to your children that when they are grown they certainly should decide  for themselves.

My stepdaughter is 10, and her mother was verbally abused by her alchoholic father when she was a child and a teen and because of it my stepdaughter has learned that "Grandpa W" was a terrible man.  Though they lived in the same town for years, she was never given the chance to see him.  She never asked, because she didn't want to hurt her mother. I don't know yet if this will ever bother her when she is older, but he died this year so she will never get the chance to decide for herself.

I know you are not villianizing your parents to your children.  I just wanted to mention that simply stating that "you can make your own choice and I won't be angry with what you decide" would be beneficial.  Chances are they wouldn't pursue it anyway.. but you have covered your bases when they are adults there will not be any resentment in twenty years when they are doing their own psychological processing! :lol:

CC:
I am really having problems staying logged on today. It keeps booting me out.  Maybe someone is trying to tell me to shut up ( :lol: )  sorry for the guest post above, Love, CC

Tinkergirl:
hi there,

i suppose i will be the voice of dissent about all this granparent visitation.  i am currently in the thick of it, and for those of you without children or direct expereience with this, i'm not trying to downplay your thoughts, but i can't imagine you might feel differently if you were in the thick if it too.

please, please consider the impact this will have on YOU before the impact on your children.  i am nipping this early, as i have a one year old and am pregnant, and i will never allow my mother to ever visit or touch my children, ever.  she has already started sending cards, money (bribes), etc.  i understand your children are older, but they will sense the disdain you hold for your N parents, and your N parents have apparently repeated the cycle of ignoring you and putting their needs first by giving the children junk food, etc.......they are YOUR children and YOUR rules should be paramount to how good it makes your parents (the 'grandparents') feel...i'm sure they get pleasure out of disrespecting your parenting skills.  

i caution you to reach out to other boards, other people who have direct experience, and also seek a counselor who will support your decision to cut them out completely.  your children are much more concerned with your happiness, not their grandparents.  you don't have to badmouth them or ever tell them the complete truth until they are older.  they may be upset at first, but i;m sure you would have them a little hurt and confused by your decision rather than waiting until your parents do something that will hurt them (they will...and i'll put a guarantee on it).  i would be suicidal for my guilt and homicidal toward the grandparents if anything would happen.  why take that chance?

you don't owe your children anything but a loving, respectful and nurturing environment.  your parents are feeding off your children because they know they can continue to hurt you.  they are using them, and the children are too naive and trusting to understand the pain and anger you are experiencing.  please, please consider what i am saying.  i am going through intense therapy about this issue right now, and just had to send back money and cards to the N mother who only loves to see herself as a grandmother, not to really connect with my child.  it is not easy, but it really is possible.  you just need to be your own champion.  please take care of yourself first, as you are not able to truly take care of your children until you take care of yourself first.

ps don't worry about grandparent visitation...most Ns are not 'put together' enough to make it through an evaluation.  unless you have extremely connected/litigious parents, i would again focus on your feelings and not the 'what ifs' in your situation.

I_am_mine:
I've been thinking about this a lot lately, also.  I have 3 teenage boys who have not seen their grandfather (my Ndad) since the beginning of July, when my mom passed away.

Whenever Ndad's not getting enough attention from me, he starts asking why I haven't brought "the grandsons" over in so long.  He doesn't have a clue that while mom was alive, she was the one I brought them over to see; she was a very gentle and loving person, despite 50+ years of Ndad's abuse.

One of the last times I brought my middle son to visit his grandparents, my dad took the opportunity to absolutely rip me to shreds right in front of my son - I finally had to take my son and just walk out of his house, while Ndad was in mid-rant!  My son is still a bit upset by what he witnessed.

My boys have watched Ndad verbally/emotionally abuse my mom, me, my sister, and they've been the target of his degrading and humiliating remarks themselves.  I've told Ndad several times to lay off my boys, or I wouldn't expose them to him any more; each time he cleaned up his act for awhile, but always returned to familiar ways.  My boys are all vey uncomfortable around him, and would probably rather have a root canal than spend time with him.

When mom was alive, I felt I had to bring the boys to visit their grandparents (altho less frequently as they got older and Ndad got meaner), because they loved their grandma so much, and she loved them unconditionally, and she was a very good "buffer" - helping to protect the boys from Ndad's venom as best she could. Now that she's gone, tho...well, I'm happy to say I don't feel guilty for not making my boys visit with their Ngrandpa.

If mom hadn't been so wonderful, I probably would have stopped the visits long ago.  I do feel very guilty when I think back on so many of the things Ndad said to my boys, even tho I stood up to him much better when he was abusing my sons than I ever did when he was abusing me.

It's a horrible thing when the people who are supposed to love you the most, hurt you the worst.  

bobbie

Nic:
Amen and Amen to Tinkergirl!
You are So clear on this dynamic you deserve a medal!!!! Yes yes yes!
I don't have children either but if I did it would be my reaction ABSOLUTELY!
Again, it's not a question of being nice and trusting and wanting it all to work out.  I sure connect with your frustration with hanging on to the high road with people who don't even know where or what it is, by this I mean the N grandparents of course.
It is so crucial for children to not be exposed to destructive narcissistic parenting, that is the issue!
What a GREAT post Tinkergirl. It's not a black and white issue, you've thought this out so well..I'm almost jumping for joy at the truth you speak! It's about the children and protecting them..I'm sure your kids are already well on the way to not being the umteenth generation of Adult children of Narcissists.  WEll done, well done indeed! :D
Nic :D  :D  :D

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