One of my issues in contemplating leaving my own situation is that I may be aborting my own growth process. I keep coming back to the question "what am I meant to learn here?" I am not a victim, but instead a strong, capable, powerful woman. Many of the patterns in my familial relationships are clearly reflected in my situation with my spouse.
I can't say whether leaving or staying is best for your growth. Certainly I benefited from our separation, but I am also benefiting from our reconcilliation. Sometimes getting to the benefits can be a painful process - but without some of the conflicts and hurts we have been experiencing, I might not be in a position to refine my self-perception as deeply. If I had moved on to another relationsship or was not in one at this time, either the newness or the isolation would have prevented me from understanding myself not just a s a discrete individual (separation helped that ), but also in terms of my self-assigned/accepted roles in relationships and how those roles serve a hidden purpose. It can be a double-edged sword.
I can't say for sure one way or the other if I was "meant" to learn anything, but I did, at some point, make a conscious decision that "By damn, if I gotta suffer, I'm gonna get something useful out of it!" I found that more helpful than pressuring myself to live up to a "higher purpose", especially since I personally don't subscribe to the idea that suffering is "for a reason". Sometimes, it IS just random and makes no sense. But usually, you can find something valuable to take away, if you try. Even if that's only "let's not let that happen again".
Most recently, I've enjoyed Dr. Grossmans essays on this site. There is no direct link for this page, so you'll have to go to ww.voicelessness.com. Although certainly not comprehensive, they do give a nice summary snapshot of the fundamental thought/effects of the concept of voice and voicelessness.
Many of the more specific thoughts I have on the subject of I Voice and Labeling (voicelessness carries a self-labeling, self diminishing component) are directly inspired by these essays, which is why I chose to post here.
Books that have helped me with practical problem-solving and decision-making include The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder Sourcebook (helped during crisis mode quite a lot), Glen Schiraldi (MD? PhD?) and After the Affair, Janis Spring - which very surprisingly contains lots of concepts applicable to situations other than infidelity. I SOOO did not want to crack the cover of that book (recommended by joint therapist). I was just sure it was going to ask me to forgive and forget and just get over it. Instead, it was very affirming for me, the betrayed spouse, yet still asked lots of penetrating questions of both the betrayed and the unfaithful spouse -many of whichm, in retrospect (it's been awhile), relate to voice, though not in that language.
There is another that I can't find (I have too many books - and some of them, in deferenece to the feelings of my husband, I keep tucked out of sight. It would suck for me if I thought he was constantly trying to diagnose me. We talk about all this sometimes, but I don't find it helpful to belabor the point) that was partuicularly helpful in coming to understand my husband in crisis mode. I believe it is simply titled "Narcissism". It is a slim volume by a Medical/Psychoanalytic professional. It describes the continuum theory very well, and helped me understand how a man who was seemingly centered and okay (if a bit impatient and moody) some of the time could seem so out of touch with himself and me at others, escalating in crisis to what appeared to be a severe psychotic episodea (we both agree with that assesment, as do both therapists involved with us). This also helped me to understand how those nasty-self-directed messages, learned and adopted in our formative years, can drive a person to divorce himself - thus everyone else, in both the literal and figurative senses - and how we repeat those messages internally and often without our knowledge.
Jung's archetypes, while probably read by most people participating in this thread, still helps in terms of finding one's own subtext, I think. simplistic, but does help pinpoint emotinal/behavioral trends in a very concrete way.
I've been influenced in my thinking by so many works, including fiction (Salman Rushdie has an interesting spin on trauma and birth/re birth in the opening chapters of The Satanic Verses), eastern thought (zen in general, Peace is Every Step (Please don't ask me to spell the author's name without going to find it first), sociological works regarding race and class, etc. I just like to read and am naturally curious, so I end up with lots of stuff packed in there that influence the outgo. I guess I'm always experimenting with the things I learn - see if they hold up or not for me.
It's hard to pin down a single source for the exact philosophy (that is the right word, thanks) I've come to have. This is really a result of piecing together lots of different ideas and premises from elsewhere into terms that are meaningful to my life and my self.
And once again, for those who feel I am trying to run their lives: I am posting simply to communicate my ideas, share what has been sucessful and not for me, and to refine my concepts of voice through the concentration that posting requires.
