What exactly is wrong with revenge?

[Lara]

Thank you Bunny for your thoughts;I love your replies because you are always so sensible and to the point.

I haven't replied sooner because I've been thinking over your suggestion that I could try pretending that my ex is boring. I was thinking that that would be a very difficult thing to do.That was because I used to feel so intensely alive and excited for much of the time when I was with him.It was a real adrenalin rush,and he made me believe that I was fascinating,beautiful and wonderful company.However I can see now that it was really a sick,unhealthy kind of excitement,not to mention the fact that during my time with him I was constantly lurching between that hysterical excitement,and the other extreme....a feeling of intense hopelessness,of being in a cage because of the incredible hold he had over me. (Funnily enough he sometimes used to tell me that I had brainwashed him...is that what is meant by projection?)

Anyway,my memory seems to have recently flicked the 'off' switch, in that I no longer miss  his company like I used to, and so perhaps in my own gradual way,I will reach a point where (amazingly) I will be able to see him as boring. If I recall our 'happy' times together,but without taking much pleasure in the memories,I hope that I will think about them less and less,because there will be nothing in it for me.

Hope this makes some sort of sense!
Thanks again Bunny,
Sincerely,

Lara.

[bunny]

Hi Lara,

I'm sure he was pretty exciting at the time, but possibly there were annoying and obnoxious aspects to him. The way you've presented him, he sounds seriously annoying.

His comment about brainwashing sounds like some bs but I don't know the context.

I think you're on the way to being indifferent toward him and that's good!

bunny

[Brigid]

Lara,
Indifference is what I strive for as well.  Not as easy to do with children to share forever more, but certainly a goal.  I know it is what will bother him the most, but in his mind he will probably never believe that I'm there anyway.  I'm sure it will be some time yet before I actually am, but I'm  learning to put on my best indifference face possible.

It is hard to separate the imagined happiness and the reality of unhappiness that existed in my relationship, but I constantly have to remind myself of that.  When I see a couple walking down the beach hand-in-hand, I miss being part of a couple.  But then I have to remember that he probably wouldn't have been walking with me hand-in-hand anyway and would have found some way to keep his distance.  

I'm finding slowly with time that the life I thought I was living was really the life I wanted to live and not what I had.  I guess the mind has a way of protecting us from seeing the painful reality until the truth slaps us upside the head.

[Lara]

Hi Everyone,
Bunny you are right of course;apart from the charm and the intense excitement, there were many annoying and obnoxious aspects to him:
obsessive meanness;hypochondria; mood swings; impatience;use of emotional blackmail;tendency to 'preach' at me; making other people feel that they were responsible for his mood;so melo-dramatic, in both what he said and wrote,that sometimes I wanted to laugh at him;often feeling that people were picking on him;tendency to switch on and then switch off his charm, in quick succession;willingness to embarrass other people;involvement in petty crime.

Brigid,what an intelligent and sensitive person you sound. I feel for you, because I know that I am so lucky in not having to have regular contact with my ex. I think that what you said was very true;we realise the truth of what we have really been involved in, only very slowly. Our minds are presenting the truth to us gradually, at a pace that we can cope with. Perhaps that is why, with your example of the couple walking hand-in-hand, you do initially forget the truth and then remind yourself of it. I don't know;maybe this is gentler for us than having the truth as a constant and immediate hammer pounding at us.

I so hope for you that one day you will reach the state of indifference you wish for. I know that I am not there yet;the mixed emotions I had as I typed the list of my ex's less endearing qualities a few minutes ago told me that! Let's be optimistic though that we will reach that point.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[joannwllc]

Hi,

I wonder if it is really revenge you are talking about or accountability.  Your feelings reminded me of how I feel about  my  mother who was never, in my opinion, accountable for her bad behavior toward me or my dad.  It took me years to get to  the point where I realized that except for any guilt feelings she felt, she essentially got away with all that bad behavior.  This really  urked me until finally I just told her that there was nothing she could ever do that would make up for what she had done to my life. I must say that, even though, this statement has caused an estrangement between us, I feel as if I finally coughed up something that had been choking me for decades.  Once I said those words, I was able to face my true feelings for her.  It has been more liberating than therapy.

In the case of your ex, if you are afraid of him, I wouldn't suggest doing this.  The potential  bad consequences far outway the satisfaction you would feel.  But you could write your feelings down and not send them.  And, have faith that he will reap what he has sown.  I have seen it more than once.

Someone once said, the best revenge is happiness.  Go for it.

Take Care, Jo

[Chandra]

I looked up another discussion board for NPD. Gee, there sure are a lot of them! I know many of you said very similar things in this thread. Here is an entry from another board that really touched me and made sense to me. I don't know who wrote it:

"When I am feeling particularly stable, I am able to think more clearly. I look at N and the way his life is. I realize then that he is his own revenge. He has destroyed everything in his path. I am just a small part of it. He has destroyed his name and worse, he has destroyed his children. Although he runs away...he does know. He knows what he is. He will run until he leaves this world. He will never know anything real. He will never rest, never feel completion. He is an abyss.
 
We are in pain. But we feel. The N can only imagine feelings. We can hurt. We can heal. We can love. The N is always on the outside. He is a master at avoiding pain and consequenses. The price is to never feel love or true satisfaction. He will never know what it is like to have his heart ache with joy. He will never witness small miracles. To avoid responsibility and to avoid emotion has its price.
 
He is his own revenge."

[Samantha!]

where I realized that except for any guilt feelings she felt, she essentially got away with all that bad behavior.

That it is! They used to get away with it. I was the first one who questioned my Nmom behaviour. I draw consequences. Well, she still did not get it. I continue to draw consequences and it worked at least a little. She will not change, but it holds her a little on stage.

I think the worst we can do if we do not draw immediately consequences. The same with kids.

samantha