Initiating healing with a N

[Twilight]

I have recently tried to initiate healing for the things i experienced as child of a N and the participation on my mother's end is almost zero. Instead of her acknowledging what I'm trying to do all i get is negativity and it always turns back around to her and how she's the victim. I've been very clear about what I'm trying to do but it gets disregarded and I'm a bad daughter for saying those things. I know I shouldn't feel bad but I do for bringing up these horrible things I had to go through. At the same time I know I have every right to be angry and I'm tired of letting her get to me and make me feel like I don't do anything right. She has her own delusional memory of the events that took place. How do you even try to heal when the N's memory is completly wrong and her reality is totally false? I know she's loving this right now becuase now she can be the victim again and make up stories about me or disown me again because I said something hurtful
I hate and love her at the same time. She doesn't see me as an adult capable of making my own decisions or leading my own life without her putting her paranoid scenarios in into it.

[Anonymous]

Twilight,
Welcome!
You may want to post this again on the other forum (Voicelessness and
Emotional Survival Message Board). You may get more responses there.

[Anonymous]

How do you even try to heal when the N's memory is completely wrong and her reality is totally false?

Hi Twilight,

You can heal even if she isn't on the same page with you. You don't need her understanding to proceed. Just keep going with the support of more stable, functional people. You'll make it.

bunny

[Anonymous]

You can heal but it takes years. Every year you grow a little more and a little more from trying. Every day it is an effort. One day you can smile inside knowing how far you have come. I share in the story you have told, growing up with N's all around me. Selfishness, materialism...I was always made to feel that aquiring "things" was more important than the human flesh you brought into this world. I felt dehumanized. Demoralized. Ashamed. I didn't know who I was or how I fit into this world. I thought everyone was different than me and no one understood me.

Now, as an adult, 42 years old, I am finally coming into knowing myself and dicovering that I deserve love. I feel so fortunate to have met a man that shows me that I am worthy of love. Unconditional love. He is there for me. He understands and gives me warmth and support. I have never known this before. I am adjusting to it. I know that if I can do it...so can you. So can anyone.

[Anonymous]

Twilight, welcome. You're in a safe place here amongst people who understand.

I know I shouldn't feel bad but I do for bringing up these horrible things I had to go through.

You are allowed to feel exactly what you want to feel, whenever. Feel bad, feel guilt (for telling on mommy?) and then get through it. Get the feelings out, not necessarily with her, but get them out and look at them! All feelings are valid. Your feelings are valid, and true to you.

At the same time I know I have every right to be angry and I'm tired of letting her get to me and make me feel like I don't do anything right.

You did the right thing posting here! Keep talking, it helps so much. Tell us as little or as much as you want to.