While I respect the uniqueness of each person's experience here, I do want to say that not all sufferers of NPD are forever unrepentant or hopeless. As Dr. Grossman's articles suggest, narcissism is a compensatory mechanism with which some people attempt to cope with the injury of not having ever been adequately heard or recognized, and often having been at the receiving end of other abuses and neglect.
While it is true that Narcissism can be incredibly difficult to penetrate, it is not impossible, and there are many people who suffer to some degree or another from the disorder who not only acknowledge the disorder but also actively seek healing for self and reparations, where welcome, for others who have been touched and/or harmed by their acting out behaviors.
One such individual is my husband. One such individual is not, on the other hand, my mother.
I won't go into the long, gory details of my experience with my husband's protracted period of emotional terrorism and abandonment (if you read through a handful of others' posts here you can cobble together my experience nicely), or my mother's ongoing issues, but I do want to point out that, through dedicated efforts in therapy (individual and joint), and conscious processes, my husband has been sucessfully peeling back the layers of the onion for several years now.
Not only has he sought to repair our marriage and earn my esteem anew, but he has also set about addressing, with compassion and humanity, his relationships with his parents and siblings. As Dr. Grossman writes, voicelessness is typically multigenerational - and it is rooted in the exact same place as narcissim. I will not tell you that he is perfect, or that I am perfect, or that life is perfect, but the changes are real, sustained, and hard-earned - and both of us have learned a great deal. I do love him, and although I think his love is sometimes a clumsy, half-formed thing, I do think it real and recognize that it is when he is uncertain or feeling the self-loathing that his love is a bit less than perfect - as it is for us all.
In short, I think it is important to refrain from de-humanizing those with NPD - including the use of the term "N" (NPDer is a nice alternative). Otherwise, we are guilty of inflicting some of the same slights and injuries we complain about, which can do nothing for our personal strength and pursuit of peace within.
Additionally, it should not be overlooked that the self-described narcissist and "expert", Sam Vaknin, has no recognized degrees or education, is not a licensed therapist, and is just what he says he is - an unrepentant narcissist. Thus, his words should be read very critically and taken with some large grains of salt. There may be some basis of truth in his arguments - all the best manipulators use the truth to support their distortions - but he exaggerates (a definite NPD trait), engages in rigid black and white thinking (another trait), and most of all, DE-HUMANIZES and MARGINALIZES OTHERS (the big one) - in this case, anyone who has or may have NPD (self-loathing trait), and more importantly, if you really read between the lines, anyone who has ever been unfortunate enough to be on the receiving end of NPD acting out. That means YOU and ME, and is an insult. Be careful whom you follow.
I do not suggest that anyone give an abuser a second chance, or welcome with open arms any further abuse or marginalization, or betray one's own welfare for the sake of "forgiveness" - that is something else altogether, and in any event, may never be realistic in some cases. Self-preservation and -protection should always come first.
However, these "Ns" are people who have sustained their own injuries at the hands of others, long before we came into the picture. It is because of those injuries that we, in turn, are victimized, to whatever degree, and if we participate in de-humanization as a means of processing our rage and hurt, we become unintentional collaborators and increase our own likelihood of later injuring others who are innocent. Like our kids, for instance, or future romantic prospects, who might be subjected to unrealistic scrutiny and mistrust, and ultimately pushed away, rendered voiceless by the sheer decibels of our outrage and the, dare I say it, narcissism, that is quite naturally a response to pain. Who can think about much else when they suffer from third-degree burns?
It is in the time of excruciating pain that we must be most diligent to stretch and move about, and keep the scar tissue from making us permanently inflexible. Hurts like hell, but necessary. Black and white thinking resulting from interpersonal injury is no different, if we don't work through the pain to retain our openess and flexibility, we'll be seeing "Ns" under every rock and behind every tree.
But we don't have to.
Thanks for listening.
