spilling

[guest2]

I met my husband over a year ago, through a friend.  He said when he saw my name in an email he knew I was his wife.  We fell deeply in love and had a long distance relationship for eight months.  The whole time I felt overwhelmingly that we were soulmates (as did he).  He proposed, and we eloped.  It was so perfect.

About one month into the marriage his interest in sex virtually disappeared, (drastic change).  He kept telling me that he was just adapting to the change of his 'new life', (leaving his home, etc).  We talked about it many times.  Something felt different, I told myself that I was just being paranoid.  But my intuition is quite strong.  

I found out a few weeks ago that he had been writing his ex girlfriend for the last few months.  In the letters he expresses that he still loves her, thinks about her sexually.  When I first confronted him he denied it all, saying she had created it, that she was crazy.  The truth eventually came out, after days of painful discussions.  I found out that she was not the only one.  I was/am devastated.  Our whole relationship was founded on a deep honesty with each other.

He tells me that she means nothing to him, that he does not/has never loved her.  That it was an addiction.  He admits to a form of 'fantasy addiction' and did cease all contact, also explaining the truth to some friends who he had lied to.  I am unable to trust.

When I have intense scared moments he is at times frustrated and upset by my inability to believe him.  I have huge bouts of paranoia, when he is writing, when he goes out.  I can definitely relate to the feeling of "wallking on eggshells" and have actually mentioned it to him.  He has feelings of guilt and shame, which are heightened when I express my fears.  He expresses fears that I will leave him.  It is a constant battle for me to stay, (there are other problems, money, etc).  He really wants us to move to another country.

I explained to a friend a few months ago that I have always had difficulty sleep in the same bed with him, (the energy is strange).  It feels like I have drank several cups of coffee.  One woman described the feeling of "ants in your head", I think it is the same.  After reading some of these posts I am starting to feel less crazy.  

I have always been strong, happy, courageous, successful and talented.  In the last few months I have felt myself turn into a different person, scared, moody, dark, sad, unhappy.  There are many things that I tell myself,
I am adapting to the changes of a new marriage, I am doing a lot of my own healing (family stuff, hard work), we are still learning about each other and he brings up a lot of my 'stuff' (and i in turn bring up a lot of his), that these 'things' will make us stronger in the long term, that I am being taught all of the things I need to learn.  

I really do love him.  But I will leave if my emotional survival depends on it.  Am I destined for more deception?  How would one ever know?

[Anonymous]

You're right not to trust him. If he is unhappy about your distrust, he needs to get into reality. He deceived you and then lied even after being caught. I wouldn't trust him at all. Have you considered marital therapy? That's like the most helpful thing I can tell you.

bunny

[Anonymous]

I have felt myself turn into a different person, scared, moody, dark, sad, unhappy. There are many things that I tell myself, I am adapting to the changes of a new marriage, I am doing a lot of my own healing (family stuff, hard work), we are still learning about each other and he brings up a lot of my 'stuff' (and i in turn bring up a lot of his), that these 'things' will make us stronger in the long term, that I am being taught all of the things I need to learn.

Guest2,
I am really glad you wrote. Your situation sounds similar to my experience, however, we were engaged - not married. I, too, fell into a dark, sad, unhappy, scary, moody place after we moved in together. Like you, I kept telling myself it was an adjustment period. It was the same rationale, I guess, as one would have about losing weight or quitting smoking (I'll quit or lose weight after I get through this episode in my life).

When the relationship started to deteriortate, I'd tell myself we'd be happy when we figured out how to help our kids; when we got to know some folks in our new community; when we got married; after we went on vacation; when the house was completely unpacked and organized. The list practically went on ad infinitum. You get the idea.

But the strange energy you speak of at night while trying to sleep is TOO familiar. I spent considerable time during my waking hours rationalizing that things weren't so bad. But at night, when my defenses were down and my subconscious kicked in, I couldn't shake it. So I think it's relevant and astute that you are noticing this.

I'm sorry to hear things aren't going well. Most of us probably have some idyllic notion about being newlyweds. Do you have supportive family or friends nearby? It's important not to get isolated or too bogged down with the relationship otherwise we lose our way quickly.

Keep posting and hang in there,

bludie

[Tai Blossom]

Am I destined for more deception? How would one ever know?

Very sorry to hear about what is going on guest2. One problem is that you really don't know this person at all. You had a long distance relationship for 8 months and then got married. And from what you wrote it seems like it has only been approx.  4 months of non long distance togetherness in the marriage now [if you only met him just over a year ago].

You can't go back and get to know him better in person before you get married of course, but I think having done so very quickly as such might
have contributed to leaving you with some problems such as you are
experiencing.    

How will you know if you are in for more deception? There are no guarantees either way but I strongly believe there are some telltale "hints" that could allow for an educated guess at least.

- The fact that he said he knew he would marry you when he merely
 saw your name in the e-mail you sent him is a red flag to his emotional state.

-The fact that he lied to you about both why his sexual interest waned and about contact with the girlfriend is a red flag.

-The fact that he not only denied it but when he finally admitted it he firstly
went as far as to say his ex was crazy and made it all up. He did not have to slam her character and also tell such a far out lie.

-The fact that his ex was not the only one.

-The way you feel when you lie next to him. Intuition is a very powerful information tool.

-Along the same lines, the way you have changed in character. You do not feel this way for nothing.

As someone said already- I'd insist of couples counselling. From everything I have read I don't think you could trust that he will not be full of other "surprises" down the line that would cause you pain, if you left things as they stand right now.

Good luck.

[longtire]

I explained to a friend a few months ago that I have always had difficulty sleep in the same bed with him, (the energy is strange).  It feels like I have drank several cups of coffee.  One woman described the feeling of "ants in your head", I think it is the same.  After reading some of these posts I am starting to feel less crazy.  

Wow, I have had exactly this feeling for many years with my wife, who I believe has strong N traits.  Being neurotic, I always "blamed" myself for having problems falling asleep, racing mind, obsessive thoughts, etc.  I told myself that I just need to learn to relax more, though you'd think I'd know how to do it by now, if that were the case.  Now that I think about it, I don't EVER remember having problems falling asleep when my wife is not going to be in the same bed that night.  The best sleep I get is when she is not there, and I know she's not coming in later.

This reminds me of a fear that I had for a long time.  Even though she has never been directly physically abusive and never made physical threats, I had a fear that she would get a knife from the kitchen and kill me in my sleep.  Maybe that's why I have trouble falling asleep if I know she'll be there, but isn't yet?  This isn't a dream, but more like a worry, or maybe a daydream.  Has anyone else experienced this kind of unreasonable fear/fantasy around this?  It does make sense to me that I might extend the verbal and emotional hostility and threats from her and fear it turning to something physical.

longtire

[bunny not logged in]

This reminds me of a fear that I had for a long time.  Even though she has never been directly physically abusive and never made physical threats, I had a fear that she would get a knife from the kitchen and kill me in my sleep.  Maybe that's why I have trouble falling asleep if I know she'll be there, but isn't yet?  This isn't a dream, but more like a worry, or maybe a daydream.  Has anyone else experienced this kind of unreasonable fear/fantasy around this?  It does make sense to me that I might extend the verbal and emotional hostility and threats from her and fear it turning to something physical.

My feeling is that this fear is your own suppressed rage that emerges when you're too tired to be in total control. I do NOT think you will act on it. But I think this is more about your feelings than hers.

bunny

[Anonymous]

I explained to a friend a few months ago that I have always had difficulty sleep in the same bed with him, (the energy is strange).  It feels like I have drank several cups of coffee.  One woman described the feeling of "ants in your head", I think it is the same.  After reading some of these posts I am starting to feel less crazy.  

Wow, I have had exactly this feeling for many years with my wife, who I believe has strong N traits.  Being neurotic, I always "blamed" myself for having problems falling asleep, racing mind, obsessive thoughts, etc.  I told myself that I just need to learn to relax more, though you'd think I'd know how to do it by now, if that were the case.  Now that I think about it, I don't EVER remember having problems falling asleep when my wife is not going to be in the same bed that night.  The best sleep I get is when she is not there, and I know she's not coming in later.

This reminds me of a fear that I had for a long time.  Even though she has never been directly physically abusive and never made physical threats, I had a fear that she would get a knife from the kitchen and kill me in my sleep.  Maybe that's why I have trouble falling asleep if I know she'll be there, but isn't yet?  This isn't a dream, but more like a worry, or maybe a daydream.  Has anyone else experienced this kind of unreasonable fear/fantasy around this?  It does make sense to me that I might extend the verbal and emotional hostility and threats from her and fear it turning to something physical.

longtire

I live in a tiny two-bedroomed house.  "Our" bedroom is luxurious. loving and safe.  However, I often 'retire' to the spare room if P. snores, if I want to stay up late and read, listen to the radio etc.

If you genuinely have such worries, you should leave.  Even if they are 'figments of your imagination', it screams volumes to me.

Best regards

Serena

[Lara]

Dear Guest2,
I really feel for you. As the others have said, there were red flags.One of them is this immediate expression of very strong feeling from these men;ie him saying he knew he would marry you when he saw your name.
THat also has an echo in my experience with my ex. Like you,I didn't see this as a red flag at the time...I just felt very excited and flattered. I think that this is a common type of behaviour with these men, and that unfortunately our response is also typical. At that point we have already started to lose our souls to them. When we feel that our character is changing, to confused,unhappy,etc,this is also a warning sign...this is not a sign of being in love;it's a sign that somehow our heads are being messed with. (Of course I didn't realise these things at the time.)

I think that the issue of sleep is interesting;it seems to be an indicator of what is truly happening in a relationship. From my own experience, I remember that my ex used to fall asleep easily, anytime or anyplace.I was always surprised that he could do this, because for my part, when I was with him I often felt tense and even hyperactive...it was often very difficult for me to relax and drop off to sleep next to him.

I  hope that you will find a way through this;it's great that you have found your way to this board, where people can understand what you are going through.

Best wishes,
Lara.

[mum]

Wow, I feel for you. Like almost all the stories here, and because of that, I know I am not alone in this: your story is frighteningly familiar.
Perhaps some of these thoughts will help you.
      That crappy/crazy/semi-awful feeling in your body is not love.  Love is the opposite of fear.  "Drama" and the stomache churning and the waiting for the good times between the weird stuff is not love.  Your intuition is talking to you.  Listen.  You get to choose what you want in this life.  You get to claim it.  You can still send this person universal love at some point, but not until you feel it, for real, for and toward yourself.  Then you can do it from a safe long distance and he can do with it what he will (some will never heal).
     I want to scream "get out of there" and "what ever you do, DON'T move to a foreign county!" (isolation is an abuse tactic).  But ultimately, it is your life story, and you may have to walk through more of this, this may be your path.......oh, hell, I wish someone had seen the crap I walked through coming. Oh wait, they did, and I still had kids with the guy!   My path, that's all, and I always learn the hard way.  Still....wish I could spare you.  There always is an easier way.
     Pain is not necessarily a "bad" thing: it is there to teach us something.  Pain is necessary and useful.  It isn't meant to be habitual, though, or something to have as a lifestyle.     It is there to help us heal.  If your relationship is painful, what is that showing you?  
     Everything in your life is ultimately your choice. Pretty powerful, you are! (was that a yoda voice or what).  In all seriousness, though, what is it YOU want in this life?  Find out.  You get to be happy.

[guest 2]

I want badly to write more, but haven't found the time or situation (as I'm sure you will all understand).  So much more to write.  Ideas, thoughts, developments.

I will in time.

thank you for your responses.  they are indeed taken to heart.  I feel more human reading that much of what has happened was/is not about me.  hard lessons.

[guest 2]

though i do believe that we must accept some responsibility for what we attract into our lives.

[mum]

guest 2:    
I think you have some helpful thoughts here.  I believe we are responsible for all of it.  Through our thoughts, feelings and beliefs, we create our lives.  We may not know this while we are asleep/unaware, and thus are surprised at the sometimes horrible packages what we attract comes in.  Still takes me a while to realize this and then not pass judgement on myself (til I see that negativity manifest itself yet again!).  When we step outside our drama/story we have a chance to notice how it all works.  Tough place to get to....but the next stop on this road is:  we get to create whatever we want for our lives. It's quite a distance from victim to creator, and we are taught in so many ways to NOT be powerful, and changing that is pretty challenging.
     Great stuff to contemplate.  I'm not quite there yet, but it's a hell of a lot better than contemplating my pain ad nauseum and then wondering why I keep attracting more of it. Oh, and I will never "get there" as then it will be "now" and I will have a million other things to learn to get "there".  So many teachers, so many experiences. So cool.

[guest 2]

I am a bit overwhelmed but much of what has happened in the last two months.  Understandably so.  The number of N traits in my husband grows, some of them very specific.

-discussions about his betrayal often turn into a discussion about MY problems (resulting in me feeling emotionally abused)

-they often take and angry tone

-I believe he has started looking at internet porn (since cutting off his other 'outlet', his ex)

-he has unreal expectations about success

-I feel like I am not able to share my feelings sometimes.

-he does not want to work at things that don't fulfill him and has a hard time compromising (in terms of jobs)

-he is not good with money

-he has a fascination with "shemales"

-he feels that I am making our "problem" into something much bigger than it really is.  he feels that the betrayal came from an unhealed place within him and that he is willing to do the work to heal (he says he has never had feelings for another woman and that it was just a fantasy addiction).  When I am scared i say "how do I know that you are working on it?"  I don't want to pressure him (which he says I am doing), but I don't see any evidence yet.

-I see how he projected a different image of who he was than the reality. (our relationship was based on honesty from the beginning, which he did not practice).

-he seems to need a LOT of change

traits that may NOT fit the N personality (I am not sure about these as I am still learning about this)

-he is affectionate, and loving
-he says he is very willing to do the work and look at all of these things
-he DOES take criticism from people he cares about if it is constructive
-he loves to laugh
-he likes to do housework
-he appears to be happy most of the time
-he does work very hard at things that he is passionate about


I have talked to him about ALL of these things, even the Narcissim.  I believe his mother is one (which is where he got it).  We are going to start therapy next week, (which he is very willing to do).  Even though I am afraid I do not shy away from any of it.  

I am hesitant to write here about these things for several reasons...

-I don't believe that people are inherently 'bad', I have compassion for my husband's hurt places and want to do the work (without sacrificing my own sanity).  I am trying to determine whether or not we can heal.  I understand that this can be extremely difficult if the other person is not able to feel empathy.
-there is the perception here that people are either "asleep or awake", implying that one has figured it out once they've identified the problem, I am sometimes skeptical when people tell me they can see everything clearly.  Aren't we all learning here?  (I know this subject was brought up in another thread, but I agree with much of what Laura had to say)
-this is one of the most difficult things I have ever dealt with, and I am searching for answers and trying to figure out what meaning this has for my life.  When people make comments telling others what they should do it is making a judgement about someone else's life, (and since we can all only speak from our own experience it results in a rather unbiased opinion.)
-I am also feeling that I may have some N traits myself, and maybe that is why I was drawn to another more extreme version.  I also think my dad may have many N traits as well.  In fact since reading about this I see it EVERYWHERE, in everybody.
-I am afraid of labels (they can be dangerous)
-We all have dark places, who am I to say yours are worse than mine?

Suffice to say I am here because I am searching, and feeling rather alone in it all.  One day I feel o.k. centered, and loved, and the next I am weighed down by fear, doubt, questioning (all hinging on how I perceive the situation).  I am not going to leave the country until I feel confident that he is on the road to healing.  I hope the therapy will help with that.  All I can do is take one step at a time.

I understand that many of you may take offense to what I have written here.  Maybe I will read it later and think I was naive, maybe I am in denial about a lot of things.  Maybe I am unwilling to let go of the idea of the person I fell in love with.  I don't know.

I appreciate all of the words that are offerred in the spirit of kindness and compassion.  And maybe even those that are not.  We are all learning.

[Anonymous]

Hello everybody,

> About one month into the marriage his interest in sex virtually
> disappeared, (drastic change

This says volumes about him and where he does not want to be.  

Dear guest2,  can you have some time on your own? Just to think things through.  I was in such a mess one year ago, not trusting myself, not knowing what to do,  only feeling that my situation was unhealthy and hurting. Solitude, or more precise, being one in a crowd, has helped me.

Please, post when you can and want,
Pearl

[bunny]

He isn't all bad. He may not be a narcissist. But he isn't taking responsibility and he isn't honest with himself or with you. That's a problem.

bunny