Letting Go Of The Past

[phillip]

to Philip and his friend:  I am so grateful to hear your story (not the life circumstance one, but the true self one you have helped each other discover).  I, too, will still work at this life thing.  I still observe that I can conduct my life as an emotional reaction to outside influences.  I just recieved news from my attorney, that we have reached a dead end, as far as the courts go, in my relocation matter.  Long story, but essentially I am not allowed to move where I wish without my ex husband or the court's permission (unless I want to leave my children...yup, I know, I make that choice!).  What I noticed was that it affected me in a very fear based way, and brought up frustration, anger, and fear all over again for me, that I thought I had purged.  
But now I recognize and acknowledge how that all feels, and allow myself to feel it, without judgement, so that I can process this pain....do something with it.  What?  Let it go.  Plain and simple.  Let it go. Choose something else to feel when it's gone. (and let it go again in 10 minutes when it comes back...and again until I am bored of this).
 I am not my life "story".
So thanks for the reminder.  Gonna go play with my dogs.

PASS THROUGH

Do not hide from yourself
that which has hurt you.
This only gives your pain strength
Feel it fully
and pass through

That which you cherish
and cling to
will also change and depart
Feel it fully
and pass through

Commit without judgement,
without remorse or regret
Feel it fully
and pass through

As there is breath in every life
so is there life in every breath
Feel it fully
and pass through

When a way comes to an end,
change.
Having changed,
pass through

Step into the stream
neither you nor the stream
remain unchanged.
Having changed,
pass through

[serena]

Philip, I appreciate the dialogue.  It is always nice to talk to fellow travelers.
Have you read or heard Pema Chodron?  Her work always inspires me, as do most Buddist teachers.  What humans do to other humans to escape/avoid pain is always surprising.  What humans can do help each other heal and transcend is even more profound.

Dear mum,

  I have heard of Pema Chodron.  I have never read any of her work.(I recall that she is female)  My personal interests fall within the reams of human motivation, healing and psychology.  I am a certified hypnotherapist and have studied astrology for over twenty years.  

I am very interested in the holographic nature of reality and the human brain.  My latest readings include Dr. Stephen Wolinsky's "Trances People Live"  and his theories on what he has termed "Quantum Psychology".  

He refers to "false core" issues within each of us with resulting "false core compensators".  He states that psychological issues that cause one to live in reaction rather than deliberately are based on false assumptions that we have adopted, usually as children, in order to maintain some sort of internal stability.  We unconsciously take these "trances" into our adult life, and when our internal integrity is threatened, we automatically flip into the childish loop of defensive response.  Unfortunately, very few adult problems can be solved with childhood resources.  

In some of his more recent work, and as a result of his synthesis of Hindu, Buddhist and western psychology, he states that one can never reach a full understanding of self, since we are a part of the "essence" of all that exists.  We can only approach who and what we are by stripping away the layers of what we are NOT.  He says for some there is peace and wholeness in this direction, but not necessarily.

He says that modern psychology often fails because an assumption is made that the individual is somehow broken.  Once you strip away the layer of  the "False Core" that is disfunctional, the distress goes with it.  

Wolinsky stresses that there is only one essence, that permeates everything.  All else is merely a condensation of that essence, and by definition, to condense is to delete information.  We humans are just not in a position to see the big picture.  He says, whatever one's assessment of self is, it is wrong.  To define self is to limit self, based on faulty and incomplete information.  

So I guess the issue is:  Let go of the false assumptions concerning self, by whatever tools that work, when those assumptions limit your freedom to live as you would choose.  Anyway thanks for letting me share these ideas and get them somewhat straight in my own mind.  Peace.

Philip (and respondants)....

I am moved by your take on life and respect anyone's efforts to 'move on' and 'heal'.

I am the victim / survivor of tyhe archetype of a N mother.  

I spent 9 years in psychoanalysis to get to grips with the phenomenon that is Narcissism.

I went to university at the age of 35 and achieved a 2:1 in Psychology.

I know what I am talking about.........
You quote Wolinsky

Respectfully, this is BS and not helpful to all of us who have been strangled (metaphysically) by Narcissists.

[serena]

Sorry the 'quote' function didn't work at the end of my previous post and the last 'quote' wasn't Wolinsky but my own.......

[mum]

Serena.  RE: the "BS". It is helpful or it is not.  It has no value in and of itself.  It is always a matter of perception and it doesn't matter if it doesn't matter to you.
Philip: Thanks for the poem/contemplation. It was meaningful to me.

[Anonymous]

Serena.  RE: the "BS". It is helpful or it is not.  It has no value in and of itself.  It is always a matter of perception and it doesn't matter if it doesn't matter to you.
Philip: Thanks for the poem/contemplation. It was meaningful to me.

I think the poem was very beautiful and I'm sorry if my previous post seemed harsh...

I probably believe too much in science to be influenced by the metaphysical, and that's probably a bad thing!!

[Anonymous]

We humans are just not in a position to see the big picture. He says, whatever one's assessment of self is, it is wrong. To define self is to limit self, based on faulty and incomplete information.

Hello Phillip. I agree our brains limit our ability to understand pretty much anything outside of them. I don't know if there exists a 'big picture'. I can't see it. Is there one? Who knows? "I think, therefore I am" pretty much sums it up for me. I don't know anything, other than the idea that there is an 'I' that thinks. Everthing else is conjecture. Including anything that anyone says, in a book, any book, any religious script, anything at all. We can only think for ourselves and test what we think with others.

So I guess the issue is: Let go of the false assumptions concerning self, by whatever tools that work, when those assumptions limit your freedom to live as you would choose.

I have a problem with 'live as you would choose'. Because if you strip away all the false selves, all the selves in fact (because each notion of self is wrong?) - what are you left with? A thinking 'I' if you're lucky. A psychotic 'not-I' if you are unlucky. It happens.

It is a 'self' that chooses. When we are at some kind of peace with ourselves, when we are contributing to helping in the world and not harming, it is probably circumspect to stop peeling away the layers. Because we cannot exist without any sense of self.

I guess this is a reminder that we are living beings and we need to retain some sense of self, otherwise we stop functioning. Balance is good. luego

[mum]

Serena (guest?):

 Absolutely no apology needed for there was no offense taken.  We are all entitled to believe what ever we want.  My only intention was to point out the option of choice for all of us.   We get to think, feel and believe whatever we want.                                                                  
     

     Nobody is right and nobody is wrong.  If we take the charge and  emotion out of things for a moment, it is possible to see how we can choose.  Even those Narcissists we all have as part of our stories give us the opporunity to choose how we feel. (I believe this, but that doesn't mean I am necessarily good at remembering it all the time!)  
You said you were (forgive me if I got this part wrong): "metaphysically strangled by a narcissist."  If you looked at my situation, you could say that, also.  But (and yes, this still takes daily work) I choose not to give my power to that knuckledragging control freak or the sexist court system (I know, I don't sound very non judgemental here.... still working at it).  
     

    I get to decide if I want to be hurt, I get to decide how I feel, not him.  I own the pain, regardless of how it came about, or in what form it was delivered in.  It's mine, he can't have it....and when I am done with it and processed it and (hopefully) transformed it, I get to use it to grow.  

     It's hard for good people to see pain as useful, for we never want to cause it for others..and when it is dumped on us we are stunned.  Perhaps ,like me, you were trained to be kind at all costs (even our own)... and being powerful was for "bad" people.  And Pain is BAD. But pain is important.  It shows us things about ourselves.  It can transform us, and teach us that we are indeed good and deserving of love and damnit, we don't HAVE to be victims if we don't want to be.  WE can believe something else for ourselves and work our way out.  The N's may never get it.  I spent long hours last night reminding myself of that (retaliation thoughts are soooo draining).  The bottom line is: I DO have power.  Its MY life.
"Victim" is a label I can choose NOT to put on myself, regardless of what other people might say.  What other people do is not my concern.

      I wish you well.  I am sure you are a good soul, and are finding your way out as well.  Sending you some good energy (even if you don't believe in it!)  We're all in this together (even the knuckledraggers....they just don't know it).

[bunny]

He refers to "false core" issues within each of us with resulting "false core compensators".  He states that psychological issues that cause one to live in reaction rather than deliberately are based on false assumptions that we have adopted, usually as children, in order to maintain some sort of internal stability.  We unconsciously take these "trances" into our adult life, and when our internal integrity is threatened, we automatically flip into the childish loop of defensive response.  Unfortunately, very few adult problems can be solved with childhood resources.

Agreed.
 

He says that modern psychology often fails because an assumption is made that the individual is somehow broken.  Once you strip away the layer of  the "False Core" that is disfunctional, the distress goes with it.

 

Psychology does not assume the individual is broken. It assumes that the person has some problems that can be mitigated and helped by psychotherapy and maybe meds. When some people strip away the "false core" without excellent professional help (and even with it) they get worse (i.e., regressed, psychotic). So that isn't in itself as solution. It's more complicated than merely stripping away layers of false self. The person's ego functions have to be strengthened first.

bunny

[October]

How would you refer to persons who  ...

The individual I refer to above was victimized by family criminals.  They were not punished.  I do not apologize or make excuses for criminals.  Animals care more for their offspring than some humans.

Not ignoring you; I have not been able to visit for a few days.  

I am glad you are finding a way forward.  You are rightly very angry about what has happened to those you love, and I am glad you are helping them to find a way out, and a way to live.

[Naomi]

There are no words to describe how Phillip has helped me, even where the mental health ptrofessionals could not. He shows me how to love myself and I can say with 100% assuredness that is it he who is responsible for my healing and being now, in this moment, as far as I have come. Learning how to love Naomi, something I was not only not taught, but a thing that was destroyed in me from a very early age.

I owe my life to Phillip, I was truthfully dying, and he arrived on the scene and I am so much better for knowing him. He teaches me new things about myself and others evry day.

[Portia]

Welcome Naomi!

Learning how to love Naomi, something I was not only not taught, but a thing that was destroyed in me from a very early age.

You're amongst many people who have suffered in similar ways. We help each other as much as we are able. We're all human and fallible, nobody has the 'right' answers and here we exchange many opinions on what happens to us. Please post some more if you want to! best wishes

[Naomi]

Thank you so much, Portia.

I remember, as a tiny little child, I lapsed into this "fog", unable to understand why I was even born, why I was alive, who I was....it was as though I was so alone in this big huge world, and I didn't connect with anyone, no one was there for me on an emotional level, I felt so insecure and it hurt. Even as a small child, I remember feeling that hurt, it was bigger than I could cope with, so into this fog, I went. I stayed in this fog, being abused, and horribly neglected and I could never concentrate in school, I never stayed in one school for more than 3 months at a time, so I never had a chance to become familiar, I was unable to find comfort. Then I was dumped off at my grandparents, who I stayed with for most of my remaining formative years, and they were very strict and religious, to the point of disastrous consequences for me psychologically. They would ritualistically beat "the demons" out of me. I was the offspring of a man who lead my mother into sin, therefore I was a child of the devil.

I went to this Christian school while I lived with them, and my grandparents even gave the school written permission to take the "Betsy Ann" to me, which was a rather large paddle, a stick with childrens names carved into it. I was beaten by the pastor for being accused of cheating on a test, which I know to this day I never did. Being beaten for something you never EVER did, with your grandparents full endorsement, left a lasting scar on me psychologically.

Today, I have come to terms with my abusive grandparents, who are still alive and still obsessive about their religion, and I"let" them forgive ME.

That was the hardest thing I've ever had to do, but I did it to free myself, and be a bigger person.

Thanks for listening.

~Naomi

[mum]

Naomi:
All due respect to Phillip, your loving friend.  How wonderful, to have another person open that door for you...but YOU passed through.

[Naomi]

THANK YOU, Mum!!!!

[phillip]

All I did was pass on the gift that my mother gave us kids.  She died last year.  She gave us unconditional love.  My sisters and I are in agreement that she alone was responsible for what sanity we have.  There is absolutely no substitute for love.  It makes all things possible. IMHO