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Anonymous:
I am 44 yrs old and went to a counselor yesterday for the first time. I am really struggling with how to handle my mother. She is the most unpleaseant miserable person I have ever known. I have lived my entire life "walking on eggs" around her. She explodes into irrational rages and hates the world. As I was describing her to the Dr yesterday, she said it sounds like your mother in a N....I am sure that I have heard the word before but never really knew what that meant.

Our relationship has been fairly typical of the ones I have read on this board, but she has been fairly subdued the past few years, as she is phyiscally sick, cancer, liver failure,and copd.  I have almost enjoyed being with her during the past two years, until 3 weeks ago when she reverted to her old ways and exploded at my house, in front of my husband, of 3 years, and two of my friends. Since that day we've spoken twice, both times ended with her yelling hateful things at me. My husband is the devil and she doesn't need me in her life and my husband is not welcome at her funeral. The next night she calls, I do not answer the phone, she leaves a message, she's in the hospital and wants me to call her.  

I am so torn between calling her and telling her I am tired of how she has treated me for 40 + yrs and not calling her at all. I have not called her yet and she was admitted into the hospital on Sat night.

No one is my family has ever spoken up on their behalf to my mother. We have all just sat quietly waiting on her to get over her "fit"! If I did this now that she is so sick I am sure that my family would never forgive me.

Anyone out there have any advice?

Anonymous:
I am the original posted ...why did it show as guest? I am not understanding this message board. Help!

Clueless:
Hello,

It sounds like you need to sort out what YOU need most. Your mother is very ill, in more ways than one, and it may be that if you don't tell her what you've felt all these years you will end up with a whole new set of baggage to deal with on your own. Maybe you should just talk to her one last time and try for some sort of closure. Chances are she won't suddenly "see the light" but it's amazing how much better YOU might feel knowing that at least you've said your piece (peace?! :) ) Or maybe you really don't want to see/call her again. Either way, make sure you give yourself the advantage because after all, you've still got your life to lead. Good luck whatever your decision and much strength and love to you.

Anonymous:
Dear Guest, (sorry this is long)

First, to post as a member you will need to do the following:

Click on "Register" to become a member
Then Click on "Log In" - (When you are logged in it will say "log out" at the top with your username in brackets)
Note: If you are not logged on properly every time you visit it will simply post as "guest"


Second,  in response to your original post:

I don't know the age of your N mother.  But mine was 74 years old when I discovered that she was NPD and Borderline.  This is a large part of why I chose not to tell her.  

You have just begun therapy.  Have you discussed this with your therapist?  More importantly, is your therapist capable working with you on with this issue? (please refer to the thread "CLUES that your therapist may be a narcissist" below, very valuable info here.

You are experiencing a whole new set of emotions that you deserve to feel.  You have waited a long time to discover what was wrong.. I would suggest waiting a little longer to gather more information about how to process and proceed.  Your need to vent and rage "at" your mother is highly understandable!!  She has treated you rottenly, expecially lately.   Please though, take some time to reflect and see if it is you "reacting"  in a knee-jerk to your pain, or if it is truly in your best interests.  Perhaps for you, it is.  Clueless said that you may end up with a whole bunch of other baggage if you don't.  I only agree with her to this extent:  you need to process your anger.  But this can be done without directly involving your mom.  And for me, this was better.. because it made for one less feeling I would have to process along with the anger - GUILT.  Do we not already have enough shame from the way our Nparent treated us?  Why add to the pile?

Consider this:  what happened directly before she flew off into a rage about your husband that first time recently?  Was there something that caused her to feel vulnerable and fearful?  Sometimes looking at their reactions and abuse objectively can separate us from the hurt they caused, and help us process what to do next.

Here is a little of my story, take it or leave it. I expressed my rage in counseling, on paper, and alone (or in the presence of my higher power).  I chose to do this because I recognized that my mother would never change, knowledge or no knowledge. This is part of the acceptance that you will eventually need to come to, whatever way you choose... Your mother will most likely never love you the way you needed to be loved (a harsh reality, but written as truth in all the books).  I confirmed this by "hinting" to her a couple of times very carefully during the initial processing to see if she would pick up any clues.  I would do things like suggest to her that she was controlling throughout my life and that it was time for me to make decisions without her approval.. but I would cleverly use humor to suggest it to her.  The hints fell upon deaf ears.  Some of the hints were met with the most typical narcissistic responses - denial, rage, or completed unacknowledgment.  Other times she laughed with me, or suggested I was exaggerating, or would respond with things like "maybe, but look how good you turned out" etc. . and then launch into a narcisstic, authoritarian speech about how children need to be disciplined and she did pretty good, didn't she?

When I realized she was not capable of seeing the can of worms I considered opening, I knew that it would hurt her beyond comprehension were I to unload about how badly she treated me.   Instead, I let my boundary-making decide for me. I set terms and boundaries as too what I expected from her in a relationship as an adult.  In the back of my mind, I decided if she couldn't meet the terms of what I decided was healthy for me, I would have to completely cut off ties with her.   Mind you, I did not do this by making a written list and taking it to her one day. that would have been rejected immediately!   It  was a gradual process.  When I would spend time with her and an incident would arise when I would feel abused or manipulated.. I would confront it (i.e, "I will no longer allow you to speak to me that way"  or "I appreciate that you are concerned about me, but it is a decision I will make on my own with my husband", etc.)

This was a struggle that went on for months.  We still are struggling.  But she is fearful because she is elderly and doesn't have much else, so she attempts to comply with the limits I set.

You may not have this success.  I did this because I want to have a relationship with my mother, and because she is old and lonely.  I feel sorry for her.  She knows not that she hurts herself and others, and she is an N because she was abused.  She unfortunately is not enlightened with the knowledge, but I don't beleive it is my job to punish her for hurting me.   The hardest part of this arrangement though, is when I am in the throes of processing rage toward her (privately), I often have to spend time with her too.  If I think it will be unbearable not to explode at her, I make an excuse that I will be busy and cannot see her that week.  

The woman spent 75 years in self-denied misery.  She is strong and will probably live another 10, but to me, what is the point?  I am a grown woman now.  She cannot harm me if I don't let her.  I have to work on myself and learn how to find my true self.  By telling how terrible she was, what am I accomplishing except hurting "back"?  I can express how terrible she was to my support areas (therapy and here), and to myself.  Self acknowledgement is what really matters.  By stirring up controversy, I have more to risk than to gain.. she will likely retaliate with ferocity in the true nature of narcissism.  She doesn't know any better.. she does it to protect herself from the truth.

Whatever you decide, I wish you peace in your healing.  

[/quote]

CC:
:D Have to laugh... after telling you how to post as a member I forgot to log in - it was CC responding above sorry guest!  :oops:

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