My ex-N called today after more than 3 months of no contact

[bludie]

I was hoping to turn a corner, here, soon and become very circumspect and philosophical about my ex-N. I've written many letters that I'll never send attempting to get emotional closure. This has helped. Also, I blocked him from my e-mail, tried to get an unlisted phone number (long story but he managed to wheedle it out of someone) and told him if he showed up on my doorstep I'd call the police. At the time some of this happened I thought I might be overreacting. But my therapist, friends and family assured me this was not only appropriate but warranted.

Anyway, he must have gotten a new cell phone; a number I didn't recognize. He called in the middle of the afternoon in between a number of business calls I was taking/making. At any rate, my heart stopped upon hearing his voice. Like a patellar (knee-jerk) reaction I hung up without saying a word. He is calling because he's run out of money and feels I owe him. I've taken a long look at both my finances and my ethics and have concluded, for the time being unless I win the lottery or something, that I don't know him a red cent.

After I hung up he immediately called back and left a message using some of the same manipulative tactics and techniques that once pushed my buttons. I didn't pick up the phone and erased the voice mail message immediately. But it's left me irritable, jumpy and feeling like an emotional cripple again. I am thinking about disconnecting my land line and trading it in for cell phones but I also am embarrassed and will be incovenienced from a professional standpoint because I work from home and it would be the second phone number change in 4 months.  Sorry to go on and on but this rattled my cage. I'll get over it. Just another bump in the road. Thanks for listening.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

bludie:  You did the right thing.  I remember shortly after my ex N left, how he tormented with the fax machine, calling at all times.  Just "dropping" by to see how I was doing.  Very traumatic........you must continue to ignore, ignore, ignore.  The more you ignore and give no indication that he is alive..........N's finally get tired of the chase.  It is not about them any more and they move on to the next victim.  However it makes you rattled because you still have the left over trauma of the manipulations, "the crazy making" etc. from the N.  They make you doubt your reality............  I found it useful to focus on what is happening, what is his behavior, what is my response.......it is the only real thing in that moment, space and time.  If you see what you see and hear what you hear......it is real.  He cannot stand the thought that someone has rejected HIM, I mean HIM of all people and he just has to get back.  I think to a large extent after  being exposed to an N for a period of time we all suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome.  The flash backs, the anxious moments when there is no reason to be anxious, doubting our judgement...........Your judgement is just fine........hang up, disconnect, and move on.  Get a restraining order if necessary.  Patz

[Anonymous]

bludie,

He's a classic isn't he? Turns up like a bad penny when you start feeling better. I can understand that you're shaken by the sudden, icky phone call and demand for money. I don't think a phone number change is necessary. He will probably stop calling if you give him no reaction and ignore his messages. (my prediction)

hang in there!

bunny

[Anonymous]

Thanks Patz and bunny.

Patz said:

I think to a large extent after being exposed to an N for a period of time we all suffer from post traumatic stress syndrome. The flash backs, the anxious moments when there is no reason to be anxious, doubting our judgement...........Your judgement is just fine........

Good point. I am tired of having voluntary or involuntary responses to this man. I gave him too much of me in the first place. Enough! I'll breathe through the anxiety. It will pass.

bunny said:

I don't think a phone number change is necessary. He will probably stop calling if you give him no reaction and ignore his messages. (my prediction)

You're right. The knee-jerk reaction is to disconnect my phone which would convey fear. Phooey. The phone stays. Let him call. Let him leave umpteen messages. He's like a papercut on my finger or a gnat flitting about my face -- annoying but insignificant in the grand scheme of things (where is my fly swatter?!)    

Best,

bludie

[onlyrenting1]

Bludie,

I wanted to let you know how much I appreciate you being there for me.
I wish I could help you more to making you feel safe.
I guess you treat him like a bill collector and wait for the beep never to return the call.
Just a suggestion maybe  just for a short time have your clients call you at a specfic time, anyone calling without a call back time would need to leave a message.

I expect sometimes the healing is more painful the the injury.
I think this must be a test to show you just where you are in the recovery.
Focus on what your strong points were, how you delt with it.
The other points should be noted but not a focus.
Sounds like you did all the right things, Bunny, thinks he will go away soon
you are stonger now and know how to deal with this better than ever,right?

Im sorry I know I can't possibly know how you feel. You must have been very upset. When people care about you they want to throw things up in the air to see what sticks. I just want you to know, I believe you're very healing in your words to me and  I hope that I have given you a little of the same......onlyrenting

[Anonymous]

Thank you onlyrenting1. I appreciate your support and understanding. It does help and I'm glad we can continue to help each other in this forum. Hope your situation is going okay this week. Keep us updated.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Hello All:  This is a very good message board isn't it.  I gain a great deal of strength from all of you every day.  Patz

[Anonymous]

He's like a papercut on my finger or a gnat flitting about my face -- annoying but insignificant in the grand scheme of things (where is my fly swatter?!)  

That's a great way of looking at him.  Maybe, if he does accidently get through to you again by phone or otherwise, you will embrace this thought immediately and giggle, as I did, rather than allow the anxiety to begin.

[miaxo]

bludie


Hang in there.  You are doing such a wonderful job of handling this upsetting situation.  Keep telling yourself, "This too will pass."

I wouldn't change your number....just let your machine pick up and continue to ignore him.  Do you have caller ID?  I do and it is such a life saver.

Laugh at your x N's predictibility.  Keep smiling and don't let this minor set back get you down.

[Lara]

Dear Bludie,
Your posts are inspiring,not only for what you say,but because the character that comes across in everything you write is that of a strong,capable woman of integrity.
My feeling is that you should give yourself a couple of days to process the shock of hearing from him,before you decide on any practical changes eg to your phone numbers.
When I had an unexpected call last week from my ex,my feelings about it changed quite drastically after a few days...maybe yours will too.

Be proud of how you are coping with all this;you are doing wonderfully.

With love,
Lara.