Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > What Helps?

telling secrets???

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Anonymous:
Hey everybody
My husband was abusive for the first two years of our marriage... psychologically, somewhat physically and sexually. He definitely displayed N qualities.  I thought he was NPD until when I left for a period of time he reformed. In year three he has radically reformed.  No more put-downs, mind-fucks, or any of that other stuff.  I love him and now I see no reason to leave.

However, recently, as I have been healing, I have been recovering memories that I had blocked.  They are traumatic.  Mostly the sexual abuse, the rape. Recovering these memories was helpful to me.  Finally I could validate my experience.  Finally I understood why part of me still hated him, even though he had reformed.  I was sure without a doubt that I wasn't going crazy, just suffering from trauma.  I have had a good converstaion with him about how I am still suffering the effects of his prior treatment of me.  He said he hated to think about it, but he knew I had to confront the one who did this...  So, I don't want to hold things over his head.  I want to let it go and move on with our lives together.  

If only it were that easy. Inside I'm really pissed off. Sometimes my anger comes to the surface in converstaions with him in which I remind him of how he treated me.  I hate doing that, so casually... It's like those feelings are trying to escape.  It usually hurts him.   I write in a journal... ocasionally talk to a moderately helpful therapist... But really I feel isolated in my experience, namely being raped by my husband, and the rauchy details of the abuse. The effects I have suffered, and am still suffering... the journey I have been on and am on.  

I want some of my closest friends to know.  Part of me doesn't want it to be a secret.  (I have been relatively quiet about this)  I don't want to be traped in this room alone...  But I can hardly type "rape" on an anonymous board without blushing. (there really should be no shame in it, right?) Then there is the matter of his reputation. On the other hand I don't want my friends to feel sorry for me, I don't want them to be sickened by the details... I don't want them to see me differently.

Would you tell your secret? How do you deal with the anger, with the residual symptoms of being abused? How do you get through it?
Part of me thinks maybe it would be a good step for women in general, to tell the story.  If enough people tell, there will be more social action to stop this kind of thing... less shame in admitting you've been raped by an intimate... Maybe less women will feel alone...
I write for fun. So, I'm working on a multi-genre piece that tells the story.

bludie:
Mirror2,
Are you in counseling? IMO this would be an appropriate first-step in dealing with the trauma you've experienced. Your friends -- especially your husband -- will not be able to truly help you. You may also have some PTSD symptoms which would definitely need to be addressed. Taking it to your friends might provide some initial comfort or relief but it could also further traumatize you. If they don't understand or treat you differently because of your situation, that would make things worse. I strongly urge you to investigate counseling. Ask your therapist if including your husband in subsequent sessions would help. As I see it, he  needs to take some responsibility and face the music. You need to pay more attention to your emotional needs right now than worrying about his reputation. Otherwise, I could see your anger and hurt coming out sideways for a long time.

Best,

bludie

Anonymous:
I don't know who mirror2 is, but I am in counseling, which I mentioned, I find moderately helpful.

Anonymous:
Sorry about that....  :shock:


Best,

bludie

Portia:
Very difficult. People will talk about their sex lives, what they do, but they don’t talk about why they do what they do. The motivations, the fantasies, the sadistic or masochistic thoughts they may have and never act on. Some women fantasise about being raped (presumably those who haven’t been raped), about being overpowered etc. Far from the truth of the act, as fantasies usually are. However, in talking to anyone, you can’t be sure of their own inner sexuality and how they will react. They might listen, be empathetic etc but – they won’t admit their deepest sexual thoughts and hang-ups (they might not admit them to themselves). Everyone (in the west?) has problems with sex. Admitting it is still partly taboo I think. We don’t like to admit that we don’t have it figured out.

So, you haven’t told anyone else other than your therapist - you have told your therapist?

Trying to imagine what I would want if it was me. I’d want him to tell me why he did it and how he could have followed it through. And that he knows it was violent and controlling and about the furthest you can get from closeness or love or respect. I’d want to know that he knew he’d treated me as an object for his violent thoughts and impulses. I’d want him to have therapy for this in particular, or work out with me why he acted violently and sexually. Violence and sex don’t naturally go together do they? I don’t know much about rape, the whys. Do you? I’d want to understand.

I wouldn’t tell our mutual closest friends. I wouldn’t colour their view of him. People can be horrified by rape (they may have been abused themselves). People can be very casual about rape (“was it really rape? I mean, he didn’t hold a knife to you did he?” kind of thing).

I’d try and work it through with him. Get joint counselling where you can get your anger out in a safe place. It sounds as though it’s sitting inside you and worming away, like anger does.

Why does typing ‘rape’ cause blushing. Shame? That people won’t like you if you ‘admit’ to it? Why are women shamed by rape? Because they think they could have stopped it? I don’t know. I can type rape without blushing but I haven’t experienced it. What are they going to call it soon – rape in war – systematic rape as a war crime. It’s no blushing matter. Children being born of rape and living with that stigma, their mothers being ostracised because of it. Sick stuff. Rape – by anyone of anyone – is a serious matter.

People have weird views about sex, and about sex and violence. Which is why I’d be circumspect about telling people who you both know. I might tell someone who only I knew but I’d have to trust them as much as I can. Yes, write it out, there are probably story-telling sites on the web where women share these experiences e.g. http://www.storycircle.org/index.html perhaps. But you have to get it straight with him don’t you? Eventually. He did it and he’s still with you so your anger has a daily target, and I can understand why. Your problem is dealing with the effect of his actions. His problem is his actions. He did it, you were the victim. It’s primarily his problem. I’d strongly recommend joint counselling or therapy I think. If you love each other and have a future together, you have nothing to lose by doing this. If you don’t do it, the future is more uncertain. That’s how I’d feel. Hope this helps.

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