Always about them

[October]

Hi October!  I would like to listen to you.  

Thank you.  Now, where do I find the words?  

Self-effacement is a rather weird way they seem to get attention as well.  I wonder if you saw a lot of that growing up.

Mum took all the attention, whenever she was around.  When she wasn't, Dad took the attention by telling us how hard done by he was.

Our job (myself and 2 brothers) was to listen and provide emotional support.  We all grew up to be very (materially) generous people, with no idea what our own (emotional) needs are.  Just like my dad and his siblings, strangely.  I have spent the last few years trying to work out what they are, by looking at how other people manage this rather tricky aspect of life.  Like trying to understand colours when you can only see in  monochrome.  To ask for something you need, you have to see the need first...  but even then you need to put yourself first, when there are a thousand reasons why it is not your turn, and why you should not be selfish.

When we were children, the parents came first because we were children, and adults were more important.  Now we are the adults, they are old and they play the 'elderly frail old people' card, when in fact they are both in reasonable health, give or take smoking and weight issues.   You really do have to laugh.    My mother has been dying to my knowledge for over 40 years, and I am assured by a cousin that it goes back even before that.  One of these days she will be finally diagnosed with a terminal condition, and to be honest, that will be the happiest day of her life.  She will finally get the martyr role she has been looking for since before I can remember.  And of course, then we will all be sorry...

Me?  I don't think any of my family  has the slightest idea who I am.  The sad thing is, neither do I.  Except I am my daughter's mum.  Shame I am not also my mother's daughter.  She has no idea what she is missing.  I do, and it is not easy.

[October]

Tell your t about the almost-reaching-hand-out incident and that you want to know she's real by touching her. Then the two of you to talk about it and come up with some win-win plans of action.

bunny

Sounds like a good idea.  Conjured up very clear image of being shoved away and slapped.  Can't feel it, but can see it.

Maybe not a good idea after all.  

No wonder that child is dead.  Love your thoughts about the Lost City of Atlantis.  Good place to hide!!    

[October]

Thanks for your comments, Serena.

It has taken me seven years - hang on <counts years on fingers>- eight years so far to get where I am now.  Another 9 to recover???  

You are right, the NHS is not ideal, to say the least.  But I started off in the private sector, because I was terrified of NHS psychiatry, after seeing how it treated my ex.  Spent all my money and got nowhere.  Completely misdiagnosed.  

However, now on the right track, I think, with a good t who makes a lot of sense. I am happy to go part of the way with her, and the rest of the way on my own, but so far it is helping.

I started out being called 'very compliant' by doctors.  Now I have stopped that, and I don't take the drugs any more.    I generally say they are too strong for me, and only add another layer onto whatever problems already exist.  Also, my depression is very resilient and normally finds its way through the medication within a few weeks, and I end up on a very high dose, with minimised a/d effect and all the side effects still there.

Recently tried SJW instead, however, and find that helps, but again I have to take a lower than stated dose, or else the side effects are too strong.  But at least it does help.

[guest123]

Dear October,
I can so relate to your story and your pain.....but my experience was with my in-laws. (my ex's parents)  Whenever I was pregnant and had some health concerns it always seemed to turn back to where their health issues were more important and more serious.  I couldn't even have the flue without my mother in law or former husband saying their  flu was worse.  Sheeesh.    My counselor has suggested that not only was I in an abusive relationship but that my ex may be a N.  So I feel like I am not only try to heal from the effects of being in abuse but that suffocating environment where one can not have feelings or thoughts or even opinions.  Kinda like that character from Star Trek....Spock....No emotion allowed.   I was criticized if I showed emotion....and so now I am slowly thawing out and it hurts and is scarey.  

I am sorry to hear what you are going through October and I admire your determination to hold onto what is important such as compassion.  

Someone in the thread mentioned starting a book club to talk about deep and meaningful things.  Could we do it over the internet?  I am interested.

Meadow

[October]

Dear October,
I can so relate to your story and your pain.....but my experience was with my in-laws. (my ex's parents)  Whenever I was pregnant and had some health concerns it always seemed to turn back to where their health issues were more important and more serious.  

I am sorry to hear what you are going through October and I admire your determination to hold onto what is important such as compassion.  

Meadow

My older brother was called Spock at school.  But I think it was because of his pointy ears, rather than his lack of emotion.  

Thanks for being so supportive, Meadow.  Your inlaws sound dreadful.    How did you get to thaw out?

Still very frozen, except I can laugh.  Which is just as well, really.  

[Guest/Meadow]

Dear October

You asked the question....how did I thaw out?  Well I am still in that process....and for me I didn't even know it was happening until I was no longer living with my N....and I am still very much in the process as part of my healing.  I am only getting in touch with that stuff a little at a time.


Hope that makes sense.....but being with a N feels like I have undergone some kind of brainwashing and it has affected my self-esteem and concept.  But I am going to a counselor and working on it.

Meadow

[Anonymous]

Thanks for your comments, Serena.

It has taken me seven years - hang on <counts years on fingers>- eight years so far to get where I am now.  Another 9 to recover???  

You are right, the NHS is not ideal, to say the least.  But I started off in the private sector, because I was terrified of NHS psychiatry, after seeing how it treated my ex.  Spent all my money and got nowhere.  Completely misdiagnosed.  

However, now on the right track, I think, with a good t who makes a lot of sense. I am happy to go part of the way with her, and the rest of the way on my own, but so far it is helping.

I started out being called 'very compliant' by doctors.  Now I have stopped that, and I don't take the drugs any more.    I generally say they are too strong for me, and only add another layer onto whatever problems already exist.  Also, my depression is very resilient and normally finds its way through the medication within a few weeks, and I end up on a very high dose, with minimised a/d effect and all the side effects still there.

Recently tried SJW instead, however, and find that helps, but again I have to take a lower than stated dose, or else the side effects are too strong.  But at least it does help.

Hi October - I am very happy to know you have a good therapist.  One of the things that tormented me for years was my own voice in my head telling me how sh*t I was.  This also made my depression resillient to drugs etc.  Thankfully, through therapy, I realised it wasn't my own voice, but my mothers.  Thank God now, I can ignore that voice both internally and in real life!!  I was talking to a work colleague today who is going through the mill and I said my inner voice now seems kind, maternal and therapeutic.  I really hope you get to this place!!