What's going on?

[Lara]

Hi,and thanks for your encouragement.

Dear Pearl,I felt gratified when you wrote that I could not have reached the place I am at now without doing the 'profound work.' Thank you for that comment.I have been so frustrated with myself,for such a long time,for my inability to get my ex out of my head,and so many times I've thought that while I was suffering,he was probably not giving me a single thought.It's good to think  that the hours upon hours I've been suffering,journalling.etc,have been productive in the long run.
I also love the techniques you passed on,especially the little blue elephant!Have you ever read Eckhart Tolle's books on 'The Power of Now'? They also contain useful techniques for drawing our attention back to the present, at times when we are either reliving the past, or obsessing about ways to use the future to either 'fix' the past,or to get even.
I feel for you when you talk about the longings you still sometimes have for your ex;I know those feelings well,and I hope their power to move us will lessen as time goes on.Please give yourself a hug from me, next time they hit you.

About packing away the relationship reminders in the basement or wherever...I have to tell you that in my new frame of mind last weekend,I got out all the letters my ex used to send me,full of declarations of undying love,' I'll always be here for you,' etc. I tore them into little pieces,took them to the park,and put them in the dog-waste bin! I  still have other stuff from him,but it's a start.

To Bludie And Blue Topaz,this thing about coincidence versus connectedness is an interesting one isn't it? I have read in the past,I think in stuff by Steven Carter,that people with commitment issues almost always get  back in touch,when they can somehow sense that their ex has finally started to 'let go.' (Because even if they couldn't commit to the person,they are relying on the fact that they will always have a place in their lives,however peripheral.)I 've never seen an explanation of how that mechanism  would work though. And if there are 'connections' between us across the universe,wouldn't our exes have got in touch with us at other times,eg when we were suffering intensely?
 And I won't bore you with the details,but on two different occasions,last autumn,when I had dreamed up a new plan for coming to terms with life without my ex,I had loving text messages from him the very next day. Mmmmm........

Thank you also Patz for your encouraging words.
Thinking of you all,and hoping it's going okay for you this weekend.

Sincerely,
Lara.

[bunny]

I believe a bad penny will turn up again (Steven Carter's 'curtain call') to check whether his/her 'supply' is still available. It may be a coincidence that it happens when a person is feeling better. It may be that a lot of time has passed so naturally one is feeling better. Then the creep's call out of the blue 'appears' to be almost psychic. Actually it's just him checking after a period of time to make sure the bait is still hooked. With that said, I believe we can 'send' feeling-messages to other people.

I'm still glad you hung up on him.

bunny

[Anonymous]

> Please give yourself a hug from me

With a great delight, dear Lara  

A nice weekend to everybody,
Pearl

[Lara]

This morning my ex emailed me some photos of his new baby.They were on an attachment so I deleted them without looking.(And I know  that now I'll have to block him from my email...this is the first time he's emailed me for probably about eighteen months.) The email itself said that he hoped I would meet the baby one day!

Can somebody tell me...why hasn't he 'read' my silence in response to his text messages etc over the last year? Why hasn't he reacted to me putting the phone down on him two weeks ago when he called to tell me about the baby? Hasn't the fact that I said our friendship was over a year ago,(a fact which he said he accepted at the time,) and the fact that I've maintained no contact for all that time,registered with him at all? Why doesn't he 'hear' me?

With warm wishes,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Lara,
Why? Because he is more concerned about how he feels (look at me - I'm a Dad) than the impact it would have on you. An arse he is. Please block that e-mail and continue to ignore him. I suspect he'll attempt to get as much mileage (attention) from this new development as is humanly possible. Let him seek it elsewhere.

Don't get me wrong. I think new life is one of the most incredible events in the universe. However, what he is subjecting you to is cruel and unusual (not about the baby; it's about his ego). Protect yourself and stay strong. I am sorry if this is causing you pain.

Best,

bludie

[Anonymous]

Had a similar problem once, Lara.

Here's the short version/solution:

After a ten-week dating experiecne, the "date" pursued me for another 1.5 years via mostly e-mail and a few phone calls. I responded at first, sympathetically but firmly stating that I could not continue any kind of relationship with him, then giving up and going silent after a couple of months of that. But he kept on contacting me every few months, anyway.

What ultimately worked was this:

I responded to an (his last) e-mail in police-language (direct and simple, no explanations or whys or wherfores):

Please stop all communication with me immediately.

Of course, the date was lawyer, so he understood the implications (stalking) and quit immediately. Your ex may not get it, so you could add:

Otherwise, I will be forced to lodge a copmplaint with the local police department, citing harrassment and unwanted communication.

That should put a stop to it, if he has even a little bit of self-preservation skills. If it does not, then really do file a complaint and ask for a restraining order. Even if you don't get the order, your complaint is on record and will be useful if you need to file again, as a pattern will be established. If he contact you after you make a complaint, inform him:

A complaint about your unwanted communication is on file with the (local) police department. I repeat: please cease all further contact immediately.

Although he may not be physically violent/threatening, most jurisdictions take this kind of unwanted pursuit at least a little bit seriously.

It may sound harsh, but it's better than having to deal with this crapola every so often.

I wish you luck and hope this helps.

T

[bunny]

Lara,

Why doesn't he get it? Because it's all about him. You're just a shadowy figure to whom he can brag about his baby. Please block him from sending email. Otherwise he'll be sending a photo of his grandchild when it's born!

bunny

[Lara]

Thank you again, Bludie,T and Bunny for your understanding. I have been asking myself,which course of action ie.to continue to ignore him,or to tell him never to contact me again,would make me feel more powerful?
 I've been thinking things through and I've realised that when I broke off our friendship,and then when I did  not respond to his text messages etc, I did at least feel that I had done something to take back my power from him.(Compared with during the relationship when I was TOTALLY under his control.)
As he doesn't seem to have registered any of my non-contact decisions,(and thanks for pointing out again why this is) I now feel powerless again.
I feel that nothing I have struggled to do has made any impression on him,and meanwhile he is having a lovey-dovey time with the girlfriend and new baby.(I hesitate to post that last part as I feel very childish for thinking about it,but I'm trying to be honest with myself and you.)

Once again,thank you for keeping me on the right path!
Sincerely,
Lara.

[Anonymous]

Laura:

Ignore, Ignore, Ignore, Ignore, Ignore.............all communication with this N.  It is indeed all about him.  Go on with your life.   I like the comment "cease all communication at once".   Continue to ignore.  This communication only serves HIS best interests and not yours.  Many hugs Patz